Introduction
Hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed of the woman that I am today, how did I ever let a man hurt me to this degree? I promised myself that I would not go through another pregnancy by myself, but here I am three months pregnant and alone.
Lord knows I tried on numerous occasions to make my relationship work but the sad part is, I was never in a relationship. I can never claim the fifteen plus years that I spent with this man. He has always denied our relationship and cheated on me countless times that even I have lost count now. Sometimes I laugh at my situation because I’m tired of crying and asking, ‘God, why me? I am not a good person.’
How did I ever manage to stay with a man that has caused me so much pain and disrespect? Sometimes I really have to ask myself, ‘Do I love myself? Do I value my self-worth?’
A man will have you questioning your sanity and your morals and beliefs. I’m not insecure so why did I allow this behaviour! What examples am I setting for my daughter? Love will make you do the dumbest things. I was young and in love, he was my first, my only relationship that I have ever had. These are the excuses that I have made for the last fifteen years.
As I stand here looking over the flowing water reflecting back on my life, the poor decisions I’ve made over and over again. Death seems like the best option to end this misery.
My head hurts, my emotions are running high. Would death be so bad? What about my loved ones that I would leave behind? Am I being selfish? Why are all my emotions governed by Simon’s actions. Simon wouldn’t miss me or regret how he treated me.
My dear child, this world is cruel. Peace and serenity are all we need.
Time is ticking and I have a decision to make. Tick tock tick tock…
So, let’s embark together on my journey and understand why I’m here today!
Davina Simpson
My name is Davina Simpson, age thirty-two and I was in an abusive relationship that lasted fifteen years. He left me for another woman. I would describe myself as outspoken, opinionated, caring, always taking other people’s feelings into consideration. I love the way I look. I refuse to conform to what society says is attractive. I am not a size eight with a slender figure. I am a beautiful black woman 5’6”, size twelve, with a curvaceous figure. I wear my hair short and natural. I’m all about embracing my natural beauty. My skin tone is caramel with dark brown eyes. My parents are from the Caribbean — well my mum is mixed, her father is Italian and her mother is Caribbean Chinese. I am mixed of both my parents. I love it, and some of my features I see in my daughter.
I have a beautiful daughter age thirteen. Her name is Lisa Simpson-Patterson. She is my world. One of the main reasons I tried to build a family unit with her dad. Lisa adores and resembles her dad in her looks and behaviour at times; you can basically call them twins.
My daughter is very pale like her father. She is of mixed heritage. Her father, Simon Patterson, is Irish and has deep blue eyes, 6’1” and muscular. He hits the gym at least five times a week, twice a day. Lisa has her dad’s eyes, absolutely hypnotizing. Lisa is tall and not the average size for a thirteen-year-old. Lisa is experiencing puberty therefore, her figure is now developing, which is scary. She has a cute little bottom and breasts. Her father can’t deal with the hormonal changes that are occurring at present.
My relationship with Simon has never been smooth. I met Simon when I was sixteen years old, fresh out of secondary school. I had just left home and was living in a hostel in Birmingham near Arlington Estate, just near my best friend’s house, Chanel, which was brilliant. This meant that I could still spend most of my time with Chanel.
Home life was rough. I was raised by my father and grandmother after my parents spilt. To be honest, I do not remember my parents being together. My father decided to raise me because he did not want me being raised by my mother and her new boyfriend because he was white. My father will tell you he is not a racist. However he cannot explain his actions. I believe that this is the reason why my mother and I do not have a strong relationship and I know she feels guilty and tries to make amends through my daughter.
My father is my rock. He has been my sole provider and has always treated me like a princess. I can do no wrong in my father’s eyes. My father’s downfall is he is very inconsistent and I can’t rely on him. However, growing up, my father was there to take me to school and pick me up until he went to prison for burglary for seven years, when I was ten. This was when life changed. I had to learn to do things for myself. My nan could only do so much. However, she taught me a valuable lesson: ‘Always depend on yourself, never depend on anyone else. Your destiny is in your own hands.’ Somewhere along the line I forgot this and lost myself in a toxic relationship that would have no benefits to me.
Living with my nan was a full-time circus. My nan would often have different people in the house. My nan had a three-bedroom house. However, at any given time there were at least eight people living in the house. I was fortunate that I did not have to share a room with anyone. I was very aware that some of the people that lived with us had a drug addiction. I watched their behaviour and how they would bring random objects into the house trying to sell to get their next fix. I witnessed at the age of eight a person in withdrawal. At the time I just thought that they were sick. Looking back, I now understand.
Life was crazy but that was my reality which was normal to me. After my father was incarcerated, I felt so alone. I was about to make the transition from primary school to secondary school. I had to go to open days by myself. I went to one and decided that would be the school that I would attend — Ashley Brown Girl’s Secondary School. There was no one to take me to the open days and my nan had arthritis. My nan tried her best but there was only so much she could do. I do blame my dad for not being there when I needed him the most in life.
The good thing that came from attending Ashley Brown Girl’s Secondary School was that my best friend, Chanel Witton, had decided to attend the same school. Chanel and I have been friends since we were five years old. Chanel is the only person that I confide in. Chanel is very blunt and calls me indecisive and believes in only giving people two chances and then cutting them off.
Chanel and I are the complete opposites. I guess that is why our friendship works. As much as we are opposite, we respect each other’s boundaries and choices, even if we disagree with it.
Chanel and I have a strong connection; we share a strong passion for poems. One of our favourite poems is by an author called:
‘Wisdom of Pearls’
If I had a penny for every time I was asked what I was thinking, I would be rich!
If I had a penny for the different emotions I experience in a day, I would be rich!
If I had a penny for the countless days I spent crying, I would be rich!
If I had a penny for all the hurt that I have experienced, I would be rich!
I guess I would be a rich motherfucker!
However, life is a bitch and the moral of the story is stop complaining!
Be a savage and get yours by all means!
Learning that life is cruel at such a young age has made me emotionless. I find it hard to show emotions.
The day I met Simon Patterson