‘One day, we will see.’
There was no denying it, I had hurt Chanel and it would take her some time to forgive me. The truth Chanel spoke really struck a chord with me. Had I really changed? I still acted and behaved the same, so why was I accepting this bullshit from Simon? Something had to change, fast.
The first year of uni literally went like the speed of lightning and things between Chanel and I hadn’t improved. If anything, we were two strangers now. Chanel spent most of her time with Malachi whilst I spent mine at uni and in my room. I felt so alone — nothing was going right.
The one good thing that had happen was that Trina had a miscarriage. I know I shouldn’t be happy but that baby would have ended my relationship. Simon was really devastated and was finding it hard to cope with the loss. He was excited about being a dad. It was a boy. There were complications with the pregnancy and Trina lost the baby at twenty-eight weeks. Simon didn’t tell me what the complications were and I decided not to pry.
I remember the night he told me. He had come to see me at home and broke down in tears.
‘Simon what’s wrong?’
‘Trina lost the baby.’
‘How?’
‘I don’t even know. She just told me.’
‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’
‘Fuck, fuck, this shit ain’t fair.’
‘I know, babe, I’m here for you.’
‘Babe, thanks, I love you. You’re my rock, my ride and die.’
And just like that, Trina was finally out of the picture, I think that was karma coming back to hit the both of them for the hurt that they caused me. Simon and I spent the night cuddled up, reminiscing on when we first met. I remembered the days he treated me like a true princess before the abuse started.
The next morning Simon had the craziest idea.
‘Babe, let’s have a baby.’
‘Pardon?’
‘I said, let’s have a baby.’
‘Simon, this is crazy. I’m in uni, what about that?’
‘Babe, you have finished your first year. You can still go to uni in the second year and take the third year out.’
‘Simon, I’m not sure about a baby. Our relationship hasn’t exactly been perfect lately.’
‘Babe, I know, but a baby will bring us closer together.’
‘Babe, let me think about it.’
‘OK, babe, I love you Davina.’
I was torn. Did I really want to have a baby with this man and all the bullshit he had recently put me through? I do love him and I want him to be happy and maybe this will bring us closer. Technically, I should be his one and only baby mother. My reasoning at times was just ludicrous and I wanted to keep my man at all cost.
I would normal speak to Chanel about what Simon said. Chanel and I had become distant friends because of my relationship and Chanel feeling like I was hating on her relationship. Plus, Chanel was pregnant and happy with Malachi. Deep down I envied her and had acted like a bitch towards her. Chanel kept me out of the loop of her pregnancy because of the way I reacted. I missed my friend and felt like such a fraud for betraying her and not being loyal to her when she needed me the most. I had to put my feelings to one side and speak to Chanel about the situation. I decided to go and see after my lecturer. I called first to see if she was in. The reception when I arrived was bit frosty due to the lack of communication.
‘Hey, Chanel, how are you and the baby?’
‘We’re good, you?’
‘I’m OK.’
‘So, what brings you here?’
‘I didn’t know I needed a reason to come and see my best friend.’
‘Pardon? Best friend? I have to laugh at that statement.’
‘Chanel, I’m not here to argue. I’m just trying to reconnect with you again.’
‘OK, Dee, whatever you say.’
‘So how is Malachi?’
‘He’s good.’
It was going to be hard to reconnect. Chanel was not going to make it easy for me. Her answers were short with attitude but I ignored it because the bigger picture was that I missed our friendship so I just confessed my true feelings to her.
‘Chanel, I know your still pissed off with me but I truly miss our friendship and I just want to put this crap in the past and reconnect back with you. I want to be there for you and your pregnancy.’
Chanel sat there quiet for five minutes. I assumed that she was absorbing what I had said.
‘Dee, thank you for coming round and expressing how you feel. I do feel that a lot has been said and done. I’m not sure if we will ever get back to where we were before. However I am willing to take baby steps with you.’
I guess she was right and maybe I had been a bit naïve to think that we could just pick up from where we left off.
‘OK, Chanel. I completely understand where you are coming from and will respect your wishes and hopefully with time we can get back to normal.’
‘Hopefully we can, Dee.’
I decided at that point that it would be best for me to leave before it became awkward. My plan initially was to tell her about what Simon suggested but now was not the right time.
‘OK, Chanel. I will message you later., I’m going to go. Take care of yourself and the baby.’
‘OK, Dee, thanks for coming and I will speak to you soon.’
I guess this was a dilemma that I would have to figure out for myself. My mind was made up eighty per cent. There was just that twenty per cent of doubt that was going round in the head.
That night Simon came round to chill. Recently things between us had been good like the good old days. Simon stopped seeing his side bitches, most evening he was with me. He was still dealing that part of him wouldn’t change. Life at the moment was normal and this was all that I wanted. Simon brought up the topic again about having a baby. He wanted to know if I had made a decision.
‘Babe did you decide?’
‘Decide on what?’
‘On if we are going to have a baby.’
‘Babe, do you promise that things will remain the same? I like when things are normal, when we’re not fighting.’
‘Babe, I promise. I’ve changed. No more bitches, just you. You’re my family, my world.’
‘I guess, OK, we can have a baby.’
‘Are you sure, babe? I promise you won’t regret that decision.’
‘I hope I won’t.’
See, any normal man would have known that I was not one hundred per cent sure. Simon was caught up in his selfish ways as usual and I had to cater to his needs and wants. When will I stick up for myself and say no, that this is not what I want out of life? To be honest, I was not ready for a baby. I still wanted to be young and carefree. I felt pressured into making this decision. Simon was excited and couldn’t contain himself.
‘So, babe, we should throw out your pills you’re not gonna need them any more.’
‘OK.’
‘OK. Where do you keep them so I can get rid of them for you?’
‘In my top drawer.’
‘OK, I’m gonna dispose of them now.’
Arrraaaaghhhh, he is so controlling. Why couldn’t he let me dispose of my contraceptive pills? Why must he do it? Does he not trust me? He shouldn’t, because my plan was to continue taking them and pretend that I was trying with him. I guess that plan was out the window now, but a trip to the clinic would be happening soon for me to get my pills back.