“Move your fuckin’ hand before I break that hoe,” I warned, and he immediately snatched that shit back. One thing about me – if I said I was gonna do something, you better believe I was going to do it. I wrapped my arm around her, and she wasted no time putting her hand on my chest and tilting her head for a kiss. Even though her eyes were the window to her soul, I didn’t need to look into them to know that something was wrong with her – I felt it.
I led her back to my table after checking to see if she wanted something to eat. She said no, and that was even more confirmation that something was wrong.
“Why you ain’t been answerin’ ya phone, Paradise?”
Still hiding her eyes, she released a shaky breath through partially open lips. She scratched her cheek and lowered her head.
“I can’t see you anymore,” Rosalyn damn near whispered.
It was such an unexpected statement that I couldn’t reply right away. Rosalyn looked up briefly, but to avoid me looking at her, her head turned to the right.
“Why not?”
Her lips trembled as soon as she opened them, so she snapped her mouth quickly. It was clear that she didn’t want to cut ties with me, so I couldn’t understand why she was doing it. No matter what excuse she gave – the pain that she was exhibiting made me believe it wouldn’t be worth it. Rosalyn licked her lips and swallowed as she readjusted the glasses on her face.
“I can’t say.” She cleared her throat and swallowed again before sighing. “Something from my past has caught up to me and I can’t handle it with you in my life.”
The protector in me immediately wanted to go to war for her, but the King in me wouldn’t allow me to go to war with her for her. If she couldn’t give me more than this, as much as I would hate it, I wouldn’t have a choice but to let her go.
“Is it me? Us?”
“No. God no.” Rosalyn reached across the table for my hand, but I couldn’t pull myself to put my hand inside. When she realized I wasn’t going to put my hand in hers, she pulled it back and hung her head again. “It has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s… something that I did that I shouldn’t have done. And now I have to face it.”
I thought about what she’d said for a while before deciding, “Nah. I’m good on that.”
She stared at me as I refocused on my food. I had gotten through one of my fried pieces of chicken before she showed up. Rosalyn stared at me blankly as I grabbed the bottle of hot sauce and poured it over my chicken and green beans.
“What do you mean you’re good on that?”
“I mean I ain’t letting you cut me off ‘cause you got some personal shit going on that has nothin’ to do with me. I ain’t finna suffer for it and be without you.”
Her fists slammed on the table gently as she swallowed a quiet scream. “Now is not the time for you to try and be in control, Ishmael! This is one thing you can’t fix or force. I have to take care of this myself.”
After taking a bite of my chicken leg, I put it back on the plate and tilted my head as I looked at her. “Do you really want me to let you go?”
Her tongue ran across the corner of her mouth before she massaged her temples and shook her head. “It’s not what I want, at all, but it’s what I need.”
Her confession felt like a machete ripping through my heart – wouldn’t let her know that, though. The last thing I would do was give a woman the power to know that she’d hurt me – twice. It was fucked up enough to have fallen for her to begin with after losing Jessica. Grieving for her was one thing because she was gone physically. I didn’t have to worry about seeing her again, and that gave me a bit of peace and an easier ability to release her.
But Rosalyn? Rosalyn would have me walking around grieving a living ghost. Every time I’d see her that shit would fuck with me. It would be like a piece of me damn near died every time.
“Aight,” was all I could get out without exploding and saying some shit I would regret.
Rosalyn sat there for a few seconds, as if there was something she wanted to say or expected me to say. When I remained silent and continued to eat, she stood and walked over to my side of the table. She tried to kiss my lips, but I gave her my cheek instead. After kissing it, she wiped the remnants of her away and mumbled a quick sorry before she left. When she did, I stopped eating and sat back in my seat, trying to figure out mentally how in the fuck I got to this point in my life.
I’d gone from fiending for her ass for years to having her for months, and now, I wouldn’t have her at all.
Chapter 12
Rosalyn
I’d been staying with my mother even though she told me hiding wouldn’t help or change the situation. That was the thing – I wasn’t hiding from Ishmael or Jeremy. Truthfully, I was hiding from myself. I missed my baby’s actual birthday, even though a part of me wanted to see her. For the past five nights, all I’ve done was lay in bed and weep. The only thing I made the effort to do was meet Ishmael and reschedule with my clients.
Other than that, I did nothing. No bathing. No eating. Couldn’t even stomach looking at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t feeling depressed like I was when I found out I was pregnant. No. This was straight up guilt and regret. The moment I looked into Willow’s eyes, literally every moment of her life that I’d missed flashed right before me. I was so disgusted with myself that I got sick to my stomach before I could even find the bathroom.
His housekeeper helped me get cleaned up and offered me some Ginger Ale and crackers, but after that, I just wanted to leave.
It took everything I had left to get up and ready for her birthday party. Jeremy had texted me the time and let me know it would be at his place. Guilt had me feeling like this wasn’t the time or place to speak with her for the first time, but selfishly, I wanted to see my baby girl again.
As I sat in my car, I watched the kids tug on their parents hands to quicken their pace as they walked to the front door. The conversation I had with my mother before I left kept replaying within my mind. I told her about how I’d broken up with Ishmael for two reasons – because I didn’t know what Jeremy had up his sleeve and because I was ashamed of what I’d done. She tried to assure me by reminding me that if Ishmael wanted me while I was an escort that he would want me now, too.
But it was different.
She told me also that she was worried about JD. My mother didn’t want to tell me, but he’d stopped by her place when he first came back to Memphis. She said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to worry me, but I wished she would have so I could have been prepared. I could agree with her when she said Jeremy was different now. More powerful, richer. Angrier.
He had a chain of restaurants now and had leveled up something serious. That didn’t impress me, though. If I couldn’t have Ishmael, I didn’t want JD or anyone else.
Deciding I shouldn’t hide in my car any longer, I got out and grabbed the gift bag from the backseat. The door was closed but unlocked, so I opened it and made my way inside. While there were a few people seated inside, it was clear that the party was outside. Music was playing there, and through the back door I could see one of those large bouncy things. After looking around and making sure Jeremy or Willow weren’t inside, I headed towards the back door.