“Ah,” he replied. “So, what do you think that means?”
Jacob chuckled, trying not to scoff at the notion that his dream had to have some deep, hidden meaning. “I don’t know,” he shook his head. “Probably just that I’ve been thinking about her too much lately.”
“So, you’ve been thinking about her more than usual? Why do you think that is?”
Jacob cursed himself again for initiating the conversation he had been so carefully avoiding over the past several weeks leading up to his release. “I guess... I don’t know. I guess, since I’m leaving, I’ve been wondering if maybe I should go see her.”
“Have you come to a conclusion on that, yet?” the doctor asked.
He rolled his eyes. “Nope.”
“Why not?”
He took in a breath, preparing to admit the fears he had been so carefully suppressing. “I don’t know if she would want me to see her. I mean, if she wanted to see me...,” he trailed off, not wanting to put into words the question that had been looming in his mind for the past several years.
“If she wanted to see you...?” Doctor Yang spurred.
Jacob leaned forward in his chair, looking at his hands. “If she wanted to see me, then why hasn’t she visited me in eight years?” A lump rose in his throat as he finally voiced the unspoken question. Jacob had spent a lot of time over the past eight years wondering when – or if – he was ever going to see Sarah again. They had no contact since the trial, apart from the package he received a few months after he arrived at Bellevue.
When he was handed the bubble-wrap lined manila envelope, he read the return address with hope. The sticker was typed up in cold, professional lettering, addressed from the “New York Police Department.” He opened the envelope and carefully slid out its contents. There was no note, no letter, nothing in the pouch aside from his sister’s worn, leather journal. When he was arrested, all he had were the clothes on his back and his wallet. The rest of his personal belongings – what little he had to begin with – remained in the duffle bag he and Sarah had taken from the farmhouse to her apartment.
His heart pounded when he thought about her bringing it to the station and insisting it be sent to him, but he was confused as to why she wouldn’t have written anything to him in the process. Opening the journal, a piece of paper fell into his lap, and he smiled. Upon inspection, however, he found that it wasn’t a letter, but the photo he kept of his mother, removed from its frame. Skimming through the pages of the journal, he flipped to the end of the book, thinking perhaps she had written something to him on one of the blank pages in the back, but there was nothing.
Coming back to the present, Jacob let out a breath after laying that insecurity on the table, and his frustrations continued to pour out. “She promised that goodbye wouldn’t be forever. I mean, I know I said I needed some time, but eight years?” He shook his head, frustrated. “I don’t know why she hasn’t come to see me.”
“Well,” Doctor Yang began, “what’s the worst-case scenario?”
Jacob looked up from his hands. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s possible that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for Sarah not coming to visit you, but clearly that’s not what you’re worried about,” he explained. “So, what are you worried about?” He leaned forward for effect. “What’s your biggest fear, Jacob?”
It was a familiar question. Doctor Yang had started asking him this question years ago. The first, he instructed Jacob to take three deep breaths before answering. It gave him time to think, really dissect his feelings before blurting out whatever answer came to mind first. Over the years, it proved to be an enlightening experience every time. Such a simple question often yielded a great deal of self-reflection.
This time, however, Jacob knew his answer immediately. He had already thought about this question a lot, went over every possible situation in his mind that could explain Sarah’s absence over the years. He considered that perhaps she had a new boyfriend and didn’t want to hurt him by flaunting their love in his face, or maybe she thought he still needed more time to grow on his own before she re-entered his life. But none of those reasons weighed on his heart more than his biggest fear.
He took his three deep breaths anyway, leaned back in his chair and began.
“I’m afraid things have changed. That… over the years, she’s finally started to see our time together for what it really was.”
“And what was that?” Doctor Yang asked.
Jacob sighed. “I kidnapped her,” he stated. “We weren’t friends. Or… anything more. She was with me because she didn’t have a choice.”
The doctor pursed his lips. “Is that how you see it?”
“No,” Jacob answered with a scoff. “But I haven’t spent the last eight years surrounded by cops who do see it that way.”
“So, you’re worried that Sarah’s memories of your time together have been influenced by her co-workers?” Doctor Yang asked. “That she hasn’t come to see you because she no longer sees you as an ally?”
Jacob could have simply shrugged in passive agreement, but it wasn’t the truth. And if he had been so open with Doctor Yang thus far, what was the point in holding back on his last day?
“No, I’m worried she hasn’t come because she hates me,” he stated blankly.
The doctor responded with his typical “hm.”
“Well,” he began again, setting his pen down, “do you want to hear my advice?”
“Isn’t that why I’m here?” Jacob asked. With a smirk, he added, “I mean, you know, aside from the whole ‘court mandated’ part.”
Doctor Yang returned his chuckle. “Well, my advice is to give it some time,” he said. “You’re about to begin a whole new journey, and I think it would behoove you to see how you fair on your own.”
Jacob turned his eyes back to his hands. He didn’t realize until the words were spoken that it wasn’t the advice he had been hoping for. He knew the man was right, but he was searching for a reason to abandon all logic and track her down, demanding answers.
“You said, yourself, that you’ve never been on your own. I think learning how to be alone, how to be comfortable with your own independence, will be an exciting and valuable experience for you.”
Jacob nodded, his anxiety creeping up on him at the idea.
“And after some time, if you still feel the desire to reconnect with Sarah, you’ll be more prepared to handle whatever that might entail,” the doctor continued, smiling at his own insightfulness.
“Yeah,” Jacob nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“And remember, you won’t be entirely alone,” Doctor Yang reminded. “We’ve set you up with a wonderful therapist in Ohio. You’ll have weekly meetings with her, along with the weekly meetings with your parole officer, to keep you accountable.”
“Right,” Jacob agreed, his nerves easing slightly.
“Now, are you sure you’re comfortable with a female therapist?” Doctor Yang inquired. “I know we’ve discussed this before, but I want to make sure everything is squared away before you leave.”