“Well, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I obviously can’t tell him what I’m feeling because I don’t really understand it myself to be honest. I thought I was happy until Ruby’s words come back to me.
“Nothing is going on, I’m tired that’s all.” He looks at me doubtfully but doesn’t challenge me and I’m thankful because I really am tired. I jump in the bed as does Kenni, he pulls me into his front and I hear him drift off to sleep as I lay awake thinking about my future.
Kenni
Something is wrong, very wrong. I couldn’t push the issue last night because I have a feeling I would have come across as a dick, so I didn’t challenge it. I need to get to the bottom of whatever it is though and fast.
It hurts me to think of her hurting. I think other people have picked up on it as well, even her sister seemed a little off.
Talking of her sister I finally dragged it out of Jed what his deal was, he and Ruby slept together the other night, he said it was just a fuck in one of the barns and that it was just sex, I’m not so sure though, yet more complications for us. I don’t think Luci is aware though, more secrets.
I need to get her to agree to tell our parents at least, but I’ve been so busy with the ranch I haven’t really pushed her on it. I wish we had more time together but in all honesty, when I married her, I started feeling more passionate about the ranch and my daddy says he’s noticed a difference in how I am.
She hasn’t said any more on working at the high school and I am certainly not going to willingly bring it up, I’m still trying to find ways to broach the birth control issue, I want kids with her and I want them yesterday.
Chapter Nine
After two hours of listening to Kenni’s soft snoring I give up on sleep and tiptoe downstairs to sit on the wrap around porch, opting for the swing seat, which still has a blanket on it, probably from Annett sitting on it earlier.
I lose myself in thought as reality comes crashing down on me. What the fuck have I done? I married a man who I see for about two hours a day, he’s already gone from the bed before I wake up in the morning and I see him briefly at lunch, but am I really happy with that.
Truth be told, when I think about it I am bored and lonely during the day, even if I speak up that isn’t going to change, I’ll just sound like a whiney wife. But what should I do?
I should never have married him in the first place, we rushed into it before I really knew him. I love him, but is that love enough to keep me here, living a lonely and miserable life, waiting for him to come home from work. I need to speak to Ruby.
Heading back inside, I quietly make my way back upstairs and slip back into the bed. Kenni is still sleeping and I’m surprised to see I was outside for two hours. It won’t be long before Kenni has to get up for work.
Shutting my eyes, I drift off to sleep, only to be woken what feels like minutes later by Ruby poking me.
“Come on lazy bones, its 10 o’clock.” I can’t believe it’s that late, it didn’t feel like I’d slept for that long, grumbling loudly, I get up and use the toilet and brush my teeth before heading downstairs for some much needed coffee.
I don’t say anything to Ruby or Annett about my lack of sleeping and they mistake my extreme tiredness for being hungover. I sit at the table and quietly drink my coffee, Ruby comes and sits next to me.
“Hey, don’t say anything for now but me and you need to speak later, I don’t know what’s happened since last night but there is something going on.” She whispers to me and I’m glad my sister suggested it, because I have the same request for her.
Annett is looking at us with suspicion in her eyes and I plaster a smile on my face, she walks off into the utility room, leaving me and Ruby alone.
“I was going to ask you the same thing, after lunch ok?” She accepts this and we talk with Annett when she comes back in about last night and it’s not long before the men arrive looking for lunch.
Kenni seems to be quiet, assessing me from a distance, obviously knowing that something is not right. After lunch Ruby and I head outside for a walk around the ranch.
“Spill it Luci, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Taking a deep breath I try to explain things to her in a way that she will understand, so she sees it from my point of view.
“Well miss mouth all mighty, after what you said last night, about settling for seeing Kenni for only a couple of hours a night. I have been thinking about it, quite a lot for the record and I don’t think I’m as happy with that situation as I led myself to believe before. Ruby I think I’ve made a huge mistake marrying him. It’s not just the lack of being home, it’s like the whole situation has hit me, smack bang in the face and realisation has sunk in.” To her credit she thinks before she speaks and I relish in the silence.
“Of course you should never have married him as quick as what you did, whether you love him or not, as for the rest, only you can answer any of that. Just ask yourself one question, in the long run, will you still be unhappy about this in a year or two?” Thinking about what she said the truth is yes, I will be, but what should I do about it?
“Ruby when I think about our future, I think about bringing children into the world to a father that will only see them for maybe an hour or two a day and I don’t think that’s fair on them. I want a marriage like our parents have, where dad is around at the weekend and evenings. I’m not going to get that with him because this ranch will take up all his time. I’m not going to have my family as a support network, my children will not know my side of the family and that terrifies me. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think I’m going to go home with you.” I say it with an air of finality, but I feel my heart splinter.
“Shit Luci, you can’t say those things lightly, you’re married now for shit’s sake. I think you’re overreacting, clearly you love him and he loves you, you just need to talk to him and figure the rest out. Running away is not going to help.” Logically I know she’s right, but I know I need breathing space and I’m not going to get that on the ranch.
“I’ve decided I’m going home, not permanently, just long enough to think things through. I honestly didn’t think of the bigger picture when I married him. I’m scared Ruby, scared of giving my whole life up for him and getting not a lot back in return. I love him but I don’t know if I love him enough to give up everything and that makes me sad. I owe it to myself to consider my options.” God it feels good to get that of my chest.
“Have you thought how much you’re going to hurt him by leaving him? He has given himself to you 100% and I think this could really break him.” Of course I’ve thought about it, I think of nothing else.
I’m going to break my own heart in the process but I know in my heart of hearts that I need to do this for myself.
“I’ll make the travel arrangements, you just make sure you’re packed and ready to go. I’m going to pretend I have a headache this afternoon so I can get ready, we’re going to be on the earliest flight I can get out of here.” This shit is really happening, saying it all out loud is scaring the crap out of me.
“Luci for the record I want it known, I really, really do not approve of this, you’re not even going to tell him you’re leaving are you?” The look of disappointment in my sisters eyes does not go un-noticed by me, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that look before, especially aimed at me.