“Ok thanks Annett, I just wanted to check in so I’m going to go now. Take care.” She senses my urgency and takes the hint.
“OK Luci you take all the time you need and hurry back to us. This place isn’t the same without you, my mornings are boring now.” I physically am unable to say anything other than “bye” before hanging up. That was harder then I imagined but I’m glad that I did it.
I make a silent pact with myself not to do it again until I have my head together. Once again I retire to my room not wanting to face my parents. I spend the entire evening in there, not even bothering with dinner, I later regret this decision as my stomach has no problem reminding me that I have missed a meal.
Lying in bed I eventually fall asleep dreaming about Kenni and wondering if he’s missing me as much as I’m missing him.
Waking up the next morning I feel a sense of peace. I’m feeling a lot better and I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad about my decision. I’m a grown adult after all and it is up to me what I do.
With this resolve in mind I head downstairs to face my mum and dad with my head held high and I’m determined to not let anyone bring me down.
When I reach the kitchen everyone is already in there eating breakfast. They all raise their head as I walk in but only Caleb and Ruby acknowledge me vocally. Time to deal with this direct I think.
“For the record, I’m capable of making my own decisions and living with the consequences. I do not need my family judging me and making me feel bad. I have my reasons and I ask you to respect them.” Storming out of the kitchen, I grab my car keys and head out of the front door, slamming it behind me.
Driving down towards the lighthouse that is located in the village where I live, I feel the calm instantly wash over me, it is one of the only places that I ever find solace. Parking up in the car park, I wander towards the cliffs, taking in the waves and the expanse of the ocean.
Looking out, straight across to the horizon, I know America is situated somewhere out there and my thoughts drift off to the short amount of time I had with Kenni.
Thinking of the memories we made, I smile, acknowledging I have come to terms with my decision. I will go back sometime and face the music but not in the immediate future. I spend about two hours down there gathering my thoughts before heading back home.
When I return home both of my parents have left for work, which I am relieved about. Flicking the T.V on, I load up Netflix through it and start watching Sons of Anarchy.
Before I realise the time my family are starting to arrive back from work for the day and looking up at the clock, I realise I have spent about six hours watching T.V.
My mum gives me a concerned look as she walks in and my dad surprises me by kissing me on top of the head as he walks by, maybe we have turned a corner? I help my mum set up for dinner and we all sit down to our first family meal in a long time. I’m lost in thought when I realise my dad is talking to me.
“Sorry what was that dad?” He smiles up at me and repeats what he said.
“I said tell us about your wedding, we missed it, so I’d like to know what it was like.” I instantly freeze, can I do this? Come on Luci pull yourself together.
“I have a few pictures on my tablet if you want to see them?” It’s my parents turn to freeze before they quickly collect themselves.
“Yes that would be lovely.” I head to my room to retrieve my tablet before heading back to the kitchen. All of my family seem very interested in my pictures and they spend ages going through them all.
They begin with me in New York and then Canada, Vegas and our wedding and then end with me and Ruby on the ranch.
“I must say Luci you both look very happy and in love in these pictures.” My dad says and I know he means me and Kenni and all I can do is nod my head in agreement.
“You look beautiful in your dress Luci and Kenni looks very handsome, I can see why you fell for him.” I’m frozen in time, back at the chapel in Vegas, when we said our vowels.
At the time I meant them, every word. I feel tears falling down my cheeks and I can no longer hold it in, I sob my heart out, drawing strength from my family.
I can’t bring myself to look at the pictures because then I would have to deal with reality. My mum comes and wraps her arms around me and I can feel my body trembling.
I feel physically sick and push away from my mums embrace and run towards the downstairs toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach into it. Eventually the sickness passes over and I wipe my hands and face before once again facing my family. Walking out all I see is pity on all their faces.
“Please don’t look at me like that, I’m big enough and ugly enough to know that I made a mistake and I take full responsibility for that mistake. You all know about it now and I beg you all to let it go, the guilt alone is killing me. I really don’t need your pity on top of that.” Everyone once again goes quiet, before my dad pipes up.
“Luci thank you for sharing your pictures and your true feelings with us. I think we all understand a lot more now. I see both sides of the argument and I apologise for being pig headed and giving you grief.
As far as we’re concerned the topic is closed in this house, unless you bring it up, ok darling?” Tears are still leaking out of my eyes as I nod my head and my dad changes the subject, I join in on conversation and the atmosphere that has been present since I returned, has now finally lifted.
Going to bed later that night, I find myself looking through the picture from my time with Kenni that I have, I have so many mixed feelings and I know I have to let it all go if I am to stand any chance of moving on and building a life for myself here.
I briefly get the urge to delete the photos but there is no way in hell I could ever allow myself to do that. Instead, I end up emailing them to myself in case anything happens to my tablet, this also allows me to look at them from my phone.
When I get up the next morning, not on word is spoken about my situation and everyone choses to focus on my new job, which officially starts today. My brother decides to tease me and suddenly I become very nervous, which upsets my stomach and I once again make a mad rush to the toilet to empty the contents of my stomach. Walking back into the kitchen I glare at my brother.
“Caleb you arsehole, why did you do that?” My brother doubles up laughing and continues to tease me, until my dad steps in.
“Caleb enough of that, your sister is going to be just fine.” He looks at me full of pride and I can’t help but beam at the knowledge I am once again in my dad’s favour.
Like I’m a child my mum hands me a packed lunch on the way out the door, she leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek and whispers in my ear.
“You’ll always be my baby, you’re never too old for kisses of your mother.” I kiss her back and drive the short distance to work.
Although the term hasn’t officially started, we have a couple of teacher training days planned and I also need to arrange my classroom the way I want it and see what resources I have at my disposal. I did notice an interactive board, which I am very happy about.
I meet everyone in the staffroom. I sit back for a little bit, listening to some of the horror stories fellow teachers are telling, I gather, from about two minutes in that year 8 are a nightmare, great, just what I need.
The head of English comes over to me and re-introduces herself, she is called Beth. We met when I was interviewed, she is probably about 30ish and I can imagine being friends with her.