“Are you sure? Is that the only reason he pursued me? Doesn’t he care about me?” I try to hold my sob in, but it seeps out into my voice, at least I’m not crying, yet.
“In the beginning, that was all it was. But honestly, I think he does care about you, Luna. He may even love you. I have no real ties to him, we’re not exactly close, but I ask you to give him a chance to tell you himself. Let him explain it in his own words. Please, Lu, keep this to yourself.” He grips my shoulders, as his head rests against mine.
I have no words. I can’t compartmentalize this, it’s too much.
Maddox pulls back and heads for the door. I need to call out to him, to ask him to stay, to see how he’s doing, but my tongue feels too thick in my mouth. I couldn’t get the words out if I tried.
“I’m sorry, Luna. You deserve so much more than this. I wish I could look into the future and say that your life will get easier, and all your dreams will come true. I can’t, but I’ll keep everything crossed that it will.” He steps out, and the door closes. It’s quiet, but it sounds like a slam to my ears.
I look at my kitchen area, I could bake, I won’t. The urge isn’t there. The one thing that calms me and keeps me level headed is out of my reach for today. All I can really do is take a bath, try to relax the tight muscles in my body, and wait for Tucker. Hopefully, he’ll have better news, but seeing how my return is going so far, I seriously doubt it.
I turn the whirlpool on and wait for the water to heat up enough, before climbing in. I bring my knees up to my chest, hugging them to me, as my tears fall silently. I don’t know if I’m crying because of what Maddie told me or not. It is helping though, surprising how much a good cry can help sometimes.
I stay in until my skin wrinkles, then I get out, slip on my robe, and sit down on my bed. I peer around my room, a place that has never really felt like mine, then again, I’ve only been in here for four months, since Thallon claimed me. Soon, it will belong to another girl, the only thing we’ll have in common is our number.
Damn, look at me getting real. There is barely any time left until I leave here. I’m supposed to say goodbye, isn’t that what it always comes back to? I just don’t think I can. The way my heart raced the moment I saw Tucker again. The love I feel for Emmet, and the deep connection that I share with Aeron. Maybe this was never about me having to say goodbye one last time, maybe it was about me discovering my own worth. The thing is, even though I know I can’t make demands, the time is coming where I will have to. I’ll have to stand tall and tell them exactly what I think of their rules. How I wish this could be, and let them know that if they truly want to keep me, if I am more than just a toy or a piece on some messed up chess board, then they need to show me. They have to start seeing me as more than an academy girl. I am Luna fucking Carter, and I deserve to know how they really feel.
I may not deserve anything here, but despite my feelings, if they can’t stop hiding behind their surname, then I’ll let them go. It will hurt, no, it will slay me. But I know I’m strong enough now.
I lie back, stare up at the ceiling, and wait for Tucker.
I open my eyes, and blink rapidly, trying to clear the sleep, I didn’t even realize I was tired. A hand brushes the hair of my face, and I blink up at Tucker.
“I didn’t mean to wake you, actually I did, but I’m trying not to sound like an asshole,” he smirks, and a smile spreads across my face.
“You don’t have to change for me.” That sounded so much better in my head.
“Nice to know what you think, come on. Let’s get some coffee in you and then I can tell you why I’m back.” He holds out his hand and pulls me up.
We walk over to the coffee machine, and get it brewing. Neither of us say anything, I don’t really know what to say in all honesty. I still don’t know if he’s engaged, shit. What if he’s married?
“Are you married?” I blurt it out, and his eyes darken, as his face falls. No more smirk, his shoulders pull forward, as his hands clench at his sides. He is, why else would he react like this?
“There won’t be any wedding, you can’t marry someone who isn’t around.” His words are vague, does this mean that she walked out on him? Did she take Isabelle?
“What about Isabelle? Please, tell me she didn’t take her.” I grip his shirt, and his eyes soften slightly.
“No, baby, she didn’t run off. Rachel died.”
Fuck, what the hell? How? When? Is he okay? Is Isabelle okay?
“Tucker, I…”
“God, please, don’t tell me you’re sorry. The only one I’m sorry for is my baby girl, I can’t care less about her. It worked out for the best, if you ask me.” He’s so, composed, cavalier, about the fact his baby mama is dead.
“When did it happen? How did it happen?”
“Well, today’s the twenty-eighth, so that would have made it the third of December. I wasn’t going to come back this soon, but Arthur forced my hand. My mom is up here with Belle. I’m allowed to leave every evening, and on the weekend. He said he needs a replacement for Ashley, so it may as well be me. Happy fucking Christmas and a crappy new year, by the way.” He slams two mugs on the side as he scowls at them. Oh yeah, he’s just peachy.
“What happened, Tucker? How did she…” I can’t finish the sentence.
“We had a ‘disagreement’ and I decided to take Isabelle out. To get away from her, and the way she was acting and talking. I’d had enough. We went to a theme park, and on all the kid friendly rides. She had so much fun, kept talking about you.” He laughs this dark sound that both enthrals and repels me. “When we got back, the house was quiet. Her car was out front, and she is, was, too lazy to walk anywhere. I searched around the house, sensing a trap of some kind, and the last room was the bathroom.” He grips onto the counter, I don’t dare reach out to him, in case he stops. “I opened the door and she was under the water, I pulled her out, tried to do that CPR bullshit while the paramedics were on the line, but it was too late. Turns out, she took some strong pills and fell asleep, must have slipped under the water, I didn’t even know she was taking anything. That isn’t unusual, I didn't know anything about her. Never wanted to. I know I wanted her gone, but not like this.” His shoulders touch his ears, and I place my hand between his shoulder blades. I rest my head on his shoulder, and just try to be here for him.
“I’m sorry, Tuck, for you and for Isabelle. I’m here for you, it doesn’t mean much I know, but…”
He turns suddenly and pulls me into him, cutting my words off. He breathes in deep as my head leans against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat, I thought it would be racing.
“It means everything. Thank you, Tiny One. Still want me to show you how much I missed you?” His voice is downright sinful, but his body tells a different story.
“Of course I do, but not right now. Will you just hold me? Maybe we both just need a good old hug.” I tilt my head up to kiss his pulse in his neck, and he hums in my ear.
“Okay, baby, whatever you want.” He picks me up and carries me back to bed. We haven’t even touched the coffee. Not that it matters, this is all I want.