Fi squeals and kisses him on the cheek. Josh looks behind him, to where the bouncer was standing, but he’s no longer there – he’s half inside, arguing with some kid who looks about twelve trying to get into the club. He pats Chris on the shoulder. ‘Nice one!’ he says. ‘Let’s go round the corner.’
I frown at Josh. Since when has he been into smoking weed? Is this Fi’s influence too? Did they maybe even smoke together that last time they went drinking without me? But I don’t want to look like the only uncool one so I quickly smile instead and try to look enthusiastic. But drugs are really not something I want to do – not after … everything.
Tonight’s already feeling overwhelming and we’re not even in the club yet.
‘Isn’t there somewhere nicer than Club 22?’ I whisper to Fi as we make our way round the corner.
‘Whaaaat? No! Don’t worry, you’re going to love it,’ Fi says, her arm round my shoulders. ‘It’s the best! SO much fun! And, by the way, you look ah-may-zing!’
I feel briefly reassured, lifted even, but the alleyway we’re now in is even seedier than the one before. Bits of rubbish – empty crisp packets and beer cans, cigarette butts, a dirty nappy – are strewn on the ground. It’s starting to get really dark. I get away from Fi and hold on to Josh’s arm. We all huddle in close, against the wall, as Chris lights the spliff. He takes a couple of drags and passes it to Josh. ‘Mind out, it’s good stuff,’ he says.
‘Yes, mate,’ Josh says, grinning.
Whether I like it or not, I’m going to stink of this stuff, and I’m going to breathe some in. There’s nothing I can do about it. Although I guess I don’t need to worry about that with Mum and Dad at the hospital. Raheela probably doesn’t even know what weed smells like.
I wonder how Mum’s doing, and quite a big part of me wishes I’d gone to the hospital after school. I want to see for myself that she’s OK. I’d rather be there than in this alleyway.
But Mum’s having a baby. The baby is coming.
Josh takes a few drags and then passes it to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to look stupid – I just want to fit in. I don’t want Fi to be the cool one and me to be uncool.
I feel like I’m thirteen again, and the only one who isn’t allowed to go on the school trip to France. Only I’m not thirteen and there’s nothing stopping me from fitting in now … I think of my brother. I know he’d have some.
‘Have a bit,’ Chris says. ‘It’ll relax you.’
Fi frowns at him and for a moment I think she’s going to stop me. She doesn’t want me to relax! She doesn’t want me to have a good time.
I take it. I watch my fingers carefully pinch the end, and I’m so pleased my hands aren’t shaking because everything’s vibrating like crazy inside me. It looks so small and harmless. Neat. Just a home-made cigarette.
Akash smoked cigarettes. Jay said he smoked spliffs too. He probably still does. Where is he? Is he inside the club already?
They’re all looking at me. I swallow.
Just take a drag, Neena. Just one drag. It will relax you.
I definitely need to relax. I take a drag. Inhale. It’s strong and stings my throat. I try not to cough. Instead, I blow out the smoke as slowly as I can. It comes out smoothly. I can’t believe how easy it is. I smile at Josh and wait to feel something. Nothing happens. Fi looks annoyed but doesn’t say anything. Her look urges me to have some more before I pass it to her.
It’s weird, us all sharing it. Like we’re taking Holy Communion in church or something. All of us united. I think I like it.
Josh puts his arms round my shoulders. He looks up at the sky and sighs. I lean into him and follow his gaze.
‘They really are beautiful, aren’t they?’ I whisper, pressing my head against his chest as we peer at the bright stars. I can hear his heart beating and, for a moment, everything is just perfect. His arms are warm round me. It’s like we’re alone.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘They are. I wish I had my telescope.’
I close my eyes. Breathe in Josh’s soapy smell. But the moment doesn’t last.
‘We should get going soon,’ Fi says, her voice too loud, too demanding.
I glare at her. She obviously didn’t like me and Josh getting close.
Josh doesn’t notice. ‘Sure,’ he says. ‘My friend had a word with one of the bouncers so we should be fine getting in.’
Fi clutches Chris’s arm as he hands Josh the spliff again. ‘Oh, don’t worry about that. Chris will get us in. He’s nineteen.’ She’s such a show-off. Look at how she’s poking out her boobs. Urgh. I can’t believe Akash ever liked her. I can’t believe I ever trusted her.
‘Just be cool, guys,’ Chris says, stretching. His muscly arms flex and relax. He yawns. ‘It’s no biggie.’
Suddenly my focus is no longer on Fi. I’m thinking about the club. My stomach flips. It’s easy for Chris to be cool about it all: he’s legal. I glance at Josh. What happens if we get caught underage drinking? What if someone catches us right now, smoking DRUGS!
‘Of course, yeah, no biggie,’ Josh says, passing me the spliff again. I take some more quickly, before someone sees. I really do need to relax! Everyone is relaxed apart from me. Still nothing happens. I must be immune to it. I take one more drag, inhaling extra deep this time. I feel a bit sick but that’s about it.
‘Hey, leave some for me!’ Fi says, stealing it from my hand. She shows off again as she blows the smoke out in perfect rings.
‘Like a piece of art,’ I think I hear my brother whisper. My eyes dart from side to side, peering through the darkness. But I still can’t see him. Did I imagine it?
‘How do you do that?’ Josh asks, gazing at Fi.
I put my arm round him tightly. She shrugs and passes the joint back to Chris. ‘Don’t know really. Just sort of do it.’
She doesn’t mention that Akash taught her. Instead, she flicks her hair. She’s flirting now, not just showing off. I need to be extra careful.
‘Let’s go to the club,’ I say, wanting to get out of this stinky alleyway and away from Fi.
Chris chucks the end bit of the spliff on to the ground. Stubs it out, grinding it down with his beige suede shoe.
‘Yeah, let’s get out of here before someone sees us,’ Josh says, looking down the alleyway.
Before Mum and Dad catch me, I think, suddenly worried that they’re somehow watching me. They’re always watching!
A familiar, strong, metallic taste fills my mouth. My skin prickles all over.
‘Yeah,’ Chris says, clapping his hands together. ‘Club 22, here we come!’
All I can taste is metal.
Blood. It tastes like blood. I swallow and swallow but can’t get rid of the taste.
My skin is prickling all over and I wonder if anyone else can see it twitching. But no one says anything.
Josh grabs my hand. Holds it tight. This makes me feel better as we follow Chris and Fi through the arched doorway of the club into a dimly lit passage. ‘Don’t look so worried,’ Josh whispers, squeezing my hand.
I smile at him nervously. We walk past the bouncer and Josh buries his face in my hair; he kisses my neck. As I turn into him, I realize his hair smells of sharp lemons. It’s a new smell. A brand-new shower gel? I laugh as his lips tickle my neck.