I’m hit with a rush of anxiety as I pull open the door that leads to a vestibule entryway stationed with a doorman.
“Can I help you?” he asks as I look around and debate how I should approach this.
“I’m looking for Nora Mills,” I say quickly and he shakes his head and gives me a look that says he’s sorry.
“You just missed her,” he says with a smile. “Would you like to leave a message? I can let her know you stopped by,” he adds kindly, but I regard him with a quick shake of my head and let him know I’ll try back later.
And that’s exactly what I do two hours later and once again right before midnight, but as I walk in, the same doorman is sitting at the desk and this time, he isn’t as friendly as he has been.
“She hasn’t returned,” he says tersely when he sees my face, and I know my returning three different times is bordering on stalking and is probably creepy as fuck. “You want to leave your name?” he says, but it comes across as more of a demand.
It’s now that I’m realizing this was obviously a mistake. I’ve gone about this all wrong. I never should’ve just shown up here, but when I turn to leave I see her standing a few feet from the entrance to the building.
My heart begins to race, pounding against my ribs making it hard to breathe. I’d recognize her no matter what. The memory of her face is seared into my brain. Every memory of her is stronger than anything else. I watch her walk toward the building but she doesn’t see me and that’s when I see him. He takes her face in his hands and kisses her. I watch her body fold into his and he wraps his arms around her. She smiles at him as she pulls away and my entire body tenses with jealousy, with anger and with hurt. I don’t have any right to feel this way, but I can’t stop the emotions from ripping through my body. My fists are clenched at my sides and I have an irrational need to punch this asshole in the face, but then reality hits me.
She has a life that doesn’t include me. She was never mine to begin with and seeing her with another guy makes that boldly obvious. I’m not here to ruin anyone’s life. I’m here to find her and that’s just what I did, and from what I’m looking at, she’s happy. I shouldn’t be here.
Without her noticing me, I walk out the door and back to my hotel. I’m so fucking grateful I booked my flight home for early tomorrow morning.
After all this time, after all the searching, after the fucking mess this shit created, I now have my answer.
She’s moved on without me.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Nora
The next morning while Ryan is still sleeping, I slip out of bed and toss on some sweats. I stop before leaving the room and take in Ryan. He’s beautiful and for some reason he wants to be with me, despite my inability to commit to him fully. His face is peaceful and content as the sheets lay loosely over his muscled chest. Everything about him is practically perfect, except the fact that he’s with me.
Sleepily, I take myself downstairs, set on hitting up the coffee shop down the street that Ryan loves. It’s early, far earlier than I would get up after being out as late as I was last night. Ryan took the day off work and given my new career, I no longer report to an office at a set time, so I should be sleeping in.
The doorman hasn’t changed shifts yet and we greet each other in the same manner as we did last night. A nod of the head and a quick wave, but just before I’m about to step out the door, he calls my name, “Miss Mills?” he says with a curious tone to his voice.
“Yes?” I answer, turning to look at him. I know all the doormen who work in the building and while I’m always friendly, I’ve never personally carried on a conversation with them. I’ve lived here for six years, so I’m not surprised he knows my name, but I’ve never been addressed formally by any of them.
“A gentleman came by last night looking for you,” he says and I stop dead in my tracks. “Several times and the last time was quite late…” He trails off, stopping to watch my face fall. I’m a few feet from the reception desk, but I can’t make myself walk any closer. I feel my stomach clench and a rush of air escapes my lungs. It’s suddenly incredibly warm in the lobby and I can’t seem to get enough air. I suck in deep breath but it does nothing to ease the tightness that has taken hold of my body.
“You okay, Miss Mills?” the doorman asks. I nod but say nothing, and instead of waiting to hear what he has to say, I leave the building without a clue as to where I’m going. I just know I can’t be here.
It was him.
It was Elliot.
I have nothing but a twenty-dollar bill in my hand and the keys to my apartment. I have no idea where I’m going to go, but I sure as hell can’t go back to my apartment with my boyfriend sleeping in my bed and the look of holy-fucking-shit written all over my face.
I left my phone on the nightstand so I can’t call Alice and I’m not even sure what I would say to her if I did.
“I think I saw Elliot but I can’t be sure. It was just a guy leaving my apartment, but I felt weird and then the doorman told me someone came by to see me but didn’t leave his name.” Yeah, all of that sounds totally logical. Not that anything in my life that has had to do with Elliot has ever sounded logical.
Fuck me.
There’s no way it was him. The disbelief is hitting me hard. Denial being the only way to explain what I’m feeling, because at this moment nothing else makes sense. Sometimes it’s the best way to explain away something you just don’t fully understand. How could it possibly be him after all this time and why would he be trying to find me now?
I have to get home and talk to Alice. She’s the only one who understands all of this and trying to explain this to Ryan will only drive a wedge between us. Being hung up on someone you barely know and trying to rationalize it with your current boyfriend isn’t exactly ideal for a growing relationship.
I head to the coffee shop determined to keep things normal until I can get in touch with Alice, then I’ll fall apart.
I feel like I’m walking through a drug-induced haze. I order coffee, pay and collect the cups without ever remembering I’ve done it. I make my way back to my apartment and when I enter the lobby, it feels surreal, like I’ve done it all in a dream rather than real life. My mind is somewhere else, but my body is going through the movements.
“There you are,” Ryan says as I enter the apartment and his voice nearly knocks me on my ass. Startled and still really confused as to what is even going on, I smile at him, but it’s weak.
I can feel his eyes on me, so I say the first thing I can think of. “I don’t feel good,” I mutter, setting the coffee down on the kitchen table. I can almost feel his unease radiating through the room and it makes what I’m feeling magnified.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, but his voice is unsteady, like he can read what I’m thinking.
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel well,” I respond and it’s a terrible excuse. I don’t know what else to tell him. All I know is I need him to leave because I can’t lose my shit with him sitting in my living room.
“Okay,” Ryan says. “I’ll get going, but I’ll check on you later.” He says his last line as if he’s stating a fact, but I know there is more of a question posed. He wants to know if I’m insensitive enough to end it here and never speak to him again. He’s not stupid. He can sense my hesitation and my uneasiness.