A sick feeling takes over as Ryan gathers his things and opens the door to my apartment. He didn’t ask for this and he doesn’t deserve this, but I can’t make myself ask him to stay.
I’m a complete hypocrite and I’ve done nothing but string him along for the last eight months. I let him get close, and then I pull away. Each time giving him hope that we can be something more than just on the edge of a relationship. I’ve never hated myself so much in my life.
As soon as the door closes I’m crying. Not just crying, sobbing and when I finally pull it together to call Alice, it starts all over again.
“Jesus fuck,” Alice yells when all she hears is me sobbing into the phone. “What is going on, Nora? For fuck’s sake say something.”
“Can you come over? I think I saw Elliot yesterday and I think he’s looking for me,” I stutter out choking back the ragged breaths.
“What?” Alice says and the shock in her voice is apparent. “Are you sure?”
“No, I’m not sure.”
“Then why the hell are you so worked up?”
“Can you just come over so I can explain to you what happened? Right now I’m a fucking mess.” I sound entirely too demanding for a person who should be begging for help. After everything that has happened over the last year, I should be over this shit, but this incident has just sent me into a tailspin.
“I’ll be over in a few,” Alice says, but she lets out a long exhale. I can tell she’s growing tired of my bullshit and I want to tell her she owes me after years of dealing with her crap, but the thought must cross her mind at the same time. “I’m sorry this is happening, Nora. You know I’m always here to help.”
“Thanks, Alice,” I respond with the tears starting up again.
An hour later Alice and I are sitting on the couch as I dish out exactly what happened. There is really nothing that says the person looking for me was Elliot, but who else could it possibly be. What I don’t understand is why, after all this time, he would be looking for me now.
“The book, Nora,” Alice says sternly. “It’s the book.”
“You think?” I ask, wondering if Elliot would even realize it was me.
My book is fiction and although the names have been changed, the story is completely autobiographical with some parts added. Writing a book entirely about my experience was not conducive to fiction writing seeing as some parts were just plain boring. But in the end, the heart of the story is there. The premise of how I met Elliot and what happened on that beach were very much honest and real and written straight from my heart. And my dedication page even uses his name.
“Nora, the synopsis of your book is the perfect summary of your search for Elliot and if he’s been looking for you too, then it was certain to catch his attention.”
I stop for a moment to think about what Alice has said. Who meets someone and falls in love immediately, spends a total of twelve hours together and then proceeds to search for this person for twelve years? Not many, I imagine. And with my book hitting the bestseller list and the hype surrounding it, I guess it’s not unfathomable that it could’ve somehow found its way into his hands. Maybe directly or indirectly.
“So you think it’s him too?” I ask, almost hopeful she agrees, because it will make me feel less like I’m losing my mind.
“I do. The story is beholden to yours and Elliot’s relationship and if he felt even half of what you feel for him, then he’s been looking for you, too.”
“Do you think he’ll come back? I have no idea how to find him. He didn’t leave any information with the doorman other than the fact that he was looking for me and he came by more than once.” I start to panic not even sure where I go from here. “Oh my god, Alice. What if I missed my opportunity again? What if he’s on a plane back to wherever it is that he lives now and because I wasn’t home, he left? Or what if he came to tell me he’s fucking pissed and he’s suing me for writing our story and selling it to the world without his permission? Oh shit fuck.”
Alice laughs and quells it quickly when she realizes I’m dead serious. She rests her hand on my knee and chuckles a little before she shakes her head at me.
“Nora, you’re being insane right now. Completely fucking irrational.” She’s right, but for some reason I can’t make it stop. “Now, listen,” she says, drawing my attention to her. “You didn’t miss anything. He knows your first and last name now and where you live. If he wants to contact you, it won’t be too hard. He’s not pissed at you for writing your story. That’s just stupid. And if you don’t pull yourself together, I’m going to throw a cup of water in your face like Mom used to do to me when I was throwing a tantrum.” Alice stomps her foot a little for effect before adding, “Fuck, things have really changed around here.”
Suddenly there’s a knock at the door and I nearly scream out loud, even though I know it couldn’t possibly be Elliot. The building is like Fort Knox. No one’s getting in without being buzzed up. The only people who have keys are Alice and Ryan.
Ryan
“It’s Ryan,” I say and Alice gives me a pitiful look.
“How do you know?”
“He’s the only one who has a key besides you. And I sent him away rather rudely this morning. I know he wants an explanation.” I shake my head at my stupidity. “Why am I pushing him away, Alice?” I ask, running a hand through my hair as I get up to answer the door.
“I don’t know, Nora, but you better figure out what you want or he’s going to disappear and you’re going to be left with nothing.” She says it so matter-of-factly, like she’s been there before and I’m sure she has. “Ryan’s here with you right now and there may come a time when you find Elliot, but he might not be all you remember. You have a tough call to make, especially if Elliot shows back up. It could be everything you’ve dreamed of, or you could find that with Ryan.”
“Alice, you aren’t making this any easier,” I say, as I grow annoyed with her lack of advice.
“I’m not going to tell you what to do, Nora. Fuck, I told you to write the book, write what you love and you did that. Figure out what that all means to you. And for fuck’s sake answer the door before Ryan has a shit fit.”
I laugh at her and open the door to find Ryan standing there with a stoic expression on his face. It crushes me. I can’t keep doing this to him.
“Hey Ryan,” I say, stepping aside so he can come in.
“Alice,” he says, greeting her but saying nothing to me. Why should he after the way I disregarded his feelings and left him in the dark?
“I’m gonna go, Nora,” Alice says and tells Ryan goodbye as she slips around him and out the door.
“I’m sorry,” I say before the door even closes.
“Care to elaborate?” Ryan scoffs and I cringe at his tone.
“I think that guy I saw last night was Elliot and I think he’s looking for me,” I blurt out not even concerned about how idiotic it sounds or whether the news will hurt his feelings.
“I assumed that,” Ryan responds. “I don’t know what exactly happened between you two and I’m not sure I really want to know. All I know is, I’m not going to compete with someone you fell in love with thirteen years ago. I’m also not going to get into this with you debating it, because it will cause me to say something I’ll regret.” He pauses and swallows hard. I watch him chew his bottom lip. “You need to choose,” he says and I feel my stomach clench at his words. “I won’t be second to someone else.”