This wasn’t about Vespyr.
She shouldn’t even bring her and what she had told her up.
But to get this over with, I decided to just cooperate.
“My childhood was normal. It was fun and Vespyr was with me no matter what.”
“And is she someone that makes you feel better or worse when she’s around?”
What kind of question was that?
“I feel like shit when she’s not around.”
“And how do you think she feels like when you’re around?”
I laughed. “She feels best when I’m with her. She adores me, and I can’t let anyone else get too close to her. She’d be lost without me.”
Mrs. Irvine was already noting some things on her board, and while she did, I looked out the window to watch the snow fall.
It was almost mid-January, but the snow would keep falling.
“Have you ever been mad at her? Has there ever been moments you two fought about something?”
“Never.”
“Never?”
I shook my head. “But she’s been mad at me before.”
“When?”
Shrugging, I kept my eyes on the big window. “That day I pushed Papa.”
No need to keep it a secret.
Mama had told her anyway.
Probably to warn her about her sick children.
“And how did it make you feel when she was mad at you?”
“Depends.”
“On what, Fennec?”
“On many things. My mood. My emotions. One day I was upset about her being angry, the other I couldn’t care less about her feelings.”
She was noting things again, and after turning the page, she leaned back, crossed her legs, and tilted her head.
“Do you often have those kinds of mood swings?”
“Sometimes.”
“And do they change drastically? Going from feeling happy and energetic to suddenly feeling sad, lost and pessimistic?”
“Yeah. That happens often.”
I tried to think back at how many times that happened in the past, but there were too many times that counting them was impossible.
“Are there times you feel normal? Moments in which you felt as if nothing was ever wrong?”
“Yeah. A few times.”
Mrs. Irvine continued to ask me questions. More about me rather than Vespyr, and as long as the focus was on myself, I felt comfortable enough to open up to her more.
Our conversation flowed, and I didn’t realize how fast time went by until I heard the church bells from the outside.
“If it’s okay with you, I would like to continue our conversation soon. I told Vespyr that I can make sure you two have sessions back to back on the same days. How’s that?”
I sat up on the couch and adjusted my beanie. “Fine with me.”
“Perfect. I know it’s hard to accept certain things, especially when it comes to our minds and own well-being, but I can promise you that we’re already on the right track.”
“So you don’t know what’s wrong with me yet?”
“I would like to read through my notes until we meet again later this week. There are a few things I need to go over and rethink, but I’m headed in the right direction to diagnose you.”
“And what’s the conclusion for today’s session?” I asked, wanting to know what she thought was wrong with me.
She looked down at her clipboard and puckered her lips before smiling back up at me again.
“Considering your extreme mood swings, I suspect you’re bipolar. It can cause a person to feel extremely sad, which are periods of depression, but also could make you have elevated moods, which we call periods of mania.”
I watched her get up and walk to her desk where she pulled out two flyers, then she handed them to me.
“There’s some information on here. You can also go on the internet or find books in a library, but these flyers have been written by psychiatrists I know personally, and they have put the most important information on there to help understand the disorder better.”
“Did Vespyr get one of those flyers too?”
“No.”
“Why not? Is nothing wrong with her?”
She studied my face again, and with a smile that had gotten on my nerves even before I entered this room, she turned back to her desk and pulled out another flyer.
“I’m giving this one to her.”
I couldn’t read what the title on it was, but I would soon find out when we got back home.
Vespyr wouldn’t hide it from me.
We walked back out and to the waiting room where Vespyr was snacking on a Milky Way, with two other wrappers on her lap.
“All done?” Mama asked.
“Yes. Vespyr, this is for you,” Mrs. Irvine said, handing her the flyer.
She read what was written on it, then she held it close to her chest, hiding it from me. “Thank you.”
“So, I’d say we’ll make appointments for both of you. Twice a week would be a good number of visits, so we can work quickly but efficiently.”
We all walked over to the front desk, and while Mama talked to Mrs. Irvine about the appointments, I stepped closer to Vespyr and grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently.
“You feeling okay?”
“Yes, you?”
Her eyes were bright, and I could tell she’s had enough and wanted to go home.
It’s been a long afternoon just sitting and talking.
“I feel best when you’re next to me.”
She smiled at my words and interlocked her fingers with mine, and I leaned in to kiss her forehead, not caring who’d see.
“See you on Friday then,” Mrs. Irvine said, handing Mama two appointment reminder cards.
We said goodbye and left the building to get to Mama’s car, and once she was inside, I stopped Vespyr from opening the door.
“Show me,” I told her, nodding to the flyer she was holding.
She looked down, then slowly lifted it so I could read what was written on the front.
Schizophrenia.
I frowned, taking it out of her hand. “Did she diagnose you already?”
“No. She…thinks that’s what’s wrong with me.”
I looked back into her eyes, smiling to hopefully cheer her up a little. “It’ll be okay. Today wasn’t so bad, right? We’ll figure things out, sweet girl.”
She smiled back at me and nodded, then I gave her back the flyer and showed her the two Mrs. Irvine gave me.
“Bipolar. At least that’s one of the however many things that are wrong with me,” I said quietly.
Vespyr looked at the flyers, studying them closely before lifting her gaze again. “I know it’s hard for you, but I’m happy you’re doing this with me. And one day when we’re all better, we can start figuring out our future together. You and me.”
I didn’t have much hope about healing from something so complex and intense, but with her by my side, it felt like anything could happen.
“You and me,” I whispered. “Forever.”
42
Two months later
After weeks of talking to Mrs. Irvine, there were three things she diagnosed me with.
Bipolar.
Psychopathic.