But Mama wanted me to come, and I did all this just to please her and hopefully not be bothered by her any longer afterward.
“Those dreams you had…how many times did they occur?”
I shrugged, looking down at my hands and picking at the skin around my fingernails.
“When I first went to live with Papa and Fennec, that’s when they happened more often than before. Fennec also told me I sleepwalked a lot more than I did at home.”
“And what happened in those dreams? Do you remember certain things better than others?”
“No, I remember them all the same. Some things were…” I stopped myself because I knew where this conversation was headed.
I didn’t want her to know about Fennec and me.
“Unexpected?” she asked.
“Well, yeah. But aren’t dreams supposed to be unexpected? You can’t tell your mind what to dream when you’re asleep.”
Mrs. Irvine smiled. “Your mind has the ability to control your dreams. It’s called lucid dreaming, and I think that’s what’s happened to you. Though, it is very possible for you to have had different experiences that made you think you were dreaming.”
I frowned at her. “Yes, probably when I sleepwalk,” I stated.
“Sleepwalking occurs while in a state of sleep. What I’m thinking of is something else.”
I watched her check something on her clipboard, which she had been doing ever since starting this session, and when she looked up again, she narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. “Ever heard of schizophrenia?”
“In school,” I replied.
“It’s a little early for me to diagnose you, but I’m more than ninety percent sure that this is what you’re dealing with. Schizophrenia can make you hallucinate or delusional, and from what you’ve told me about those dreams, I don’t think you’ve ever sleepwalked.”
What the hell was she talking about?
“Are there other symptoms?” I asked, wanting to know if anything else felt familiar to me.
Just because I had lucid dreams, didn’t mean she could diagnose me with schizophrenia.
“Some symptoms are disturbances of emotions or disorganized speech,” she replied.
“I’ve never had those things.”
“You don’t have to have all symptoms to have a mental illness, Vespyr.” She was calm while my body started to shake.
I wasn’t mentally ill.
I was fine.
I’ve always been fine.
“If it’s okay with you, I’d like to ask you about Fennec. You’re very close to him, is that true?”
“He’s my everything,” I told her, starting to feel anger toward her.
She was just doing her job, but I wasn’t prepared to be labeled as schizophrenic.
“I understand the love a sister can have for her brother, but I hope you understand that some lines should never be crossed.”
“That’s none of your business,” I spat, crossing my arms over my chest to protect myself from her words. “I thought people come here to feel better.”
“I’m here to understand you better, and to help you. And I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me, Vespyr. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I would like for you to accept my advice. What you do with it isn’t in my power, and I surely won’t make you change your mind. But after talking with you for the first time, I know there’s something I can do to help you stop having those lucid dreams. There’s treatment, and talking to me is the best way to start.”
Mrs. Irvine was a sweet woman, but I had trouble letting her help me and accept it when I couldn’t see that I actually needed it.
I looked back at my hands and nodded, and to my luck, the hour was slowly coming to an end.
“You did great, Vespyr, and I’d be happy to see you again this week. Coming here twice a week will help us speed up the process, and if your brother agrees to come again too, I can make sure you two can have sessions back to back. How does that sound?”
I wondered how Fennec would take these sessions.
Would he open up to her enough to let her help him?
“Okay,” I whispered. “I’d like to go now.”
“I’ll walk you back to the waiting room.”
We both got up, and before turning to walk over to the door, I looked down at the clipboard with all her notes and checks on it.
Seemed like she used a checklist to find out what was wrong with me, and who was I to say if that was enough to diagnose someone you only just met?
Hell, I barely graduated high school.
I didn’t have a say in this at all.
As we got back to the waiting room, Fennec was still sitting in the same spot, staring straight ahead while Mama read some fashion magazine.
“How did it go?” Mama asked Mrs. Irvine as she noticed us.
“We’ll see each other again soon. Vespyr and I have a lot to talk about still,” she said with a smile in my direction.
I didn’t react but looked back at Fennec whose facial expression I couldn’t read.
“Fennec, you can follow me.”
He got up and took off the beanie he was wearing, then handed it to me with his eyes locked on mine.
“It’s cold in there. You should keep it just in case,” I whispered.
He studied me for a moment, then took the beanie back and nodded. “Thanks.”
I watched him leave with Mrs. Irvine, then I looked at Mama who was expecting me to talk.
I pointed back toward the entrance, not going into what happened in that room. “I’m gonna grab a snack.”
She took the hint and pulled her wallet out, handing me some money. “Did you decide to come back for another session?” she asked as I was about to turn away.
I shrugged, looking at her again. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”
There was no response, and I was slowly starting to realize that all those dreams I had about Fennec weren’t just my imagination.
Those dreams were real, but my mind chose to ignore that fact.
Hallucinations.
Shit…I really do need help.
41
“Your mother told me that you’ve been to a therapist when you were younger, is that true?”
I had made myself comfortable on the couch, with my feet propped up and crossed at the ankles and my arms behind my head.
“Didn’t know you had the right to talk with my mother about my past.”
Mrs. Irvine smiled and sat down on her chair, picking up the clipboard she had written notes on when she was talking to Vespyr.
“If I understood correctly, you never actually had a real session with that therapist. She didn’t get to the bottom of your problems.”
I raised a brow at her. “What problems?”
She studied me for a moment, keeping that smug smile on her face the whole damn time. “I understand that it’s hard to admit to the things you’ve done to your father and sister, but that’s why you’re here, right? Why don’t we start at the very beginning? Tell me about your childhood.”
“No.”
“Fennec,” she sighed, then cleared her throat. “Your sister did well telling me about her childhood and she mentioned a few things I know you remember too. It would help me figure things out, knowing your side of the story.”