Elbows to his knees, he looked out at the water and asked, “Do you like it?”
“Yeah. It’s good for me. It keeps me busy, and the time goes by fast. It’s a job, pay’s decent, and there is great insurance for Remy and me. A major plus. The hours aren’t that great, but they allow me to do three twelve-hour shifts like the nurses do a week. So even though the shift is long, it goes by quickly. And another bonus is I get to spend more time with Remy. Somehow it all worked out well.”
I did love my job for those reasons. Of course, getting the three twelves wasn’t easy. I had to go to the board and state my case. Ryker showed up for each one of those meetings, and something told me he had just a bit to do with getting it passed. I never asked him, though. If he wanted to tell me, he would. It was best for me to be in the dark.
“Speaking of that, I have money that is yours and Remy’s. Whatever you need, I’ve got it.”
I felt my back go ram rod straight, my nose flared out, and fire threatened to come from my lips. Money. Seriously? Did he think I wanted a sugar daddy? “I didn’t tell you about Remy to get money out of you.” My bark was as big as my bite, at least on this issue. I’d worked hard to put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. We weren’t rolling in it, but we were doing just fine. Living paycheck to paycheck was how most people lived.
There was a lot of pride in building this life, coming from nothing but a black garbage bag over my shoulder. He couldn’t darken that. I wouldn’t let him.
He reached over and touched my knee softly, letting it rest there. Instantly, with his touch, I was able to breathe for a moment; the fire was still there, but it knocked back a few notches. “Know that. I respect that so damn much, Ensley. Just want you to know I’m paying my share of Remy’s expenses, whatever those may be. That includes where you live, insurance, diapers or whatever a little girl needs. What I have can give you a savings now for what you’ve covered all this time.”
This was too much. Remy and I were doing just fine. My head shook, but he kept talking, already knowing what I was going to say.
“Please. Let me do this. I’ve already missed her being a baby and growing for two years; please let me do this. Let me make up for the time I wasn’t here. It’s not much, but it’s the only thing I can do to make up for that time. And even this doesn’t feel like enough.”
A sigh escaped me as my heart hurt for the man. I could tell by his tone that he was completely genuine, and it made me feel bad that he missed those parts of Remy. He missed the late-night feeds and the colic. He missed the first smiles and when she grabbed on to my finger. He even missed seeing her in my stomach moving around. That would’ve creeped him the hell out. It looked like there was a little alien in there.
“You do whatever you feel you need to do.” He also missed her first steps, first tooth, first bottle, first night in her crib, first everything. It made me sad that he did, but there was no way to turn back time and fix it. Time was all we had in the end, and it seemed to go fast no matter how much you wanted to stop it. If this was his way of coping with that loss, who was I to stop him? Not that I’d spend the money. It would go in a savings account, for now, but I wanted to respect his wishes on this.
“Thank you.”
He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a squeeze, then released me. Instantly the loss of his heat hit me somewhere deep. I liked it. A lot. It also got my mind swirling, and where it took me wasn’t the best headspace.
Katie loved watching those shows where they did paternity tests and the ‘you are not the father’ or the opposite reveals in this big dramatic way. People would storm off screen to find out their baby wasn’t theirs, or they’d cry when the baby was.
This kind of felt like one of those moments. It plagued me, and now was as good a time as any to ask him. “How do you know Remy’s yours?” For all he knew I could be some floozy who slept with everyone and not know who my baby daddy was. He met me at a club, for God’s sakes, and I’d fucked him without thinking twice. Sure, we’d used condoms, but I could be lying through my teeth to get his… Hell, I didn’t even know what he had, but you get the point.
“Your eyes,” he said, mysteriously confusing me.
What the hell did my eyes have to do with anything?
“Huh?”
He gazed at me, his focus so intense I forgot to breathe.
“They don’t lie. You have this spark in your green eyes that isn’t cold, damp, gray or negative. It’s light, sunshine and honest.” My heart stopped a beat as he continued.
“Been to a lot of places over the last four years and picked up some good skills. One is reading people, and the easiest way to do that is through their eyes.” He paused. “And the fact that if it wasn’t true you wouldn’t put your little girl through meeting a stranger. You love her. That much is absolute. I have a feeling you’d do absolutely anything to protect her. Just like you leaving your home to keep her. You wouldn’t lie about something of this magnitude. You’re not that kind of girl.”
Relief flooded me. I didn’t realize until he answered the question how much that answer would mean to me. “No. I wouldn’t, but know that you were the only one I slept with during that time.”
“During that time?” His brow quirked. “What are we talking here?”
My head shook as I let out a chuckle. “I’m not getting into my sexual history right now. Just know that you were the only option to be Remy’s father.”
Truth was, I’d only had one guy before him. It was years before, and it was horrible beyond belief. Everything else I learned through the books I hid in my room. Proving once again I was not cut out for the life my parents wanted me to have. All these glaring signs, and it took my baby to get me the hell away from there.
“Good to know,” he said on a slight grin. “So you’ve been here in Sumner for a while then?”
“Yeah. We moved here when Remy was only twelve weeks inside of me and haven’t looked back.”
“Do you miss your folks?” he asked, turning to look at me.
That was a loaded question with so many different answers that it made my head spin. I didn’t know if I could answer it completely. “Yes and no.”
His brow quirked. He had a serious thing with the brow quirk, and it was becoming very cute. Knock it off, Ens. He’s just getting to know you for Remy!!
I continued, “I mean, I miss the idea of a mother and father. I miss the idea of a family unit. I miss having a group of people around to help. But that’s the thing—they were all ideas to me. Never a reality. My father had seven wives and so many kids it was crazy. I’d look around at times and wonder how this was my life. Wondered how I could have seven mothers and more half siblings than a football team. It was unreal to me. Even being born into it didn’t change my thoughts on the matter.”
“Isn’t that what the religion states?” he asked, surprising me. I wondered if he knew about us.
“That’s what we’re taught from the time we’re born. Men need to spread their seed and make as many children as possible to keep God’s word going. Women are there to procreate and take whatever the husband gives them and isn’t to complain. It was a very strange way to grow up. Me? I’d always been the oddball but learned very early not to question anything out loud only to do it in private.”