I’m such a mess. I look into his beautiful green eyes, wishing he could repair all that I’ve done. The wrongs that need to be righted. But I know he can’t. If only I had just been a little stronger and trusted in him before I went stupid and lost my mind . . . but I didn’t.
I realize how many moments we’ve lost because I was too afraid he might leave me.
“I’m so sorry, Westin,” my lip trembles.
“For what?” he asks as he moves my hair back.
I’m sorry for much more than I can admit to. I hate that I’m seeking comfort from the man I just betrayed. He sees the good in me, but will he still want the ugly?
“I . . . was so . . . stupid,” I start to confess. I need to be honest with him. Give him the truth so he can tell me what to do.
“Serenity, if this is about before, I don’t need to know. Just don’t get involved with a patient’s husband.”
“No,” I cut him off. “It’s not like that. I swear, it’s not like that at all, nothing even close to what you’re insinuating. You’re the only man I care about in that way.”
“Then whatever is going on, I really don’t want to know. I trust you and I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Guilt slams into me like a freight train, crushing me under its weight. If he ever finds out what I did, he’ll suffer as well. Because of Westin’s surgery, I was able to switch the medications easily. No one ever saw the original vials or signed off on the trial paperwork. If they look back on the records, someone could figure it out, but since they didn’t sign the daily log, their asses are on the line as well.
He trusts me, and I’m a fraud.
I can’t do this to him. I was selfish and not thinking.
“Westin,” I plead for him to listen to me. “I have to tell you.”
“No!” he raises his voice, dropping his hands. “Right now, you’re emotional and whatever you say can’t ever be taken back. You have to sleep. You have to get through tonight, and then tomorrow you’ll understand what I’m telling you. You have to shut your mouth. I’m not just your boyfriend, I’m also an advisor and hospital board member, and I will have no choice but to report whatever it is you say. Let me protect you, please.”
It’s me who has to protect him, I realize. If this comes out, it’ll ruin his chances at chief. He’s made an error and it’s my turn now to protect him. I can’t hurt him. I’ve done enough of that.
“Okay,” I acquiesce. Telling him ties his hands and if I can keep him out of it, if anyone ever finds out, I’ll be the one to take the fall. Not Westin.
He lies down, pulling me tight against him, and I don’t say another word. After a few minutes, Westin’s breathing evens out as I stare at the wall. Tomorrow maybe this will all be a dream. I can wake up, realize none of this was real, and relax because I didn’t just single-handedly fuck up my entire life. Maybe.
But I know the truth, this was all real, and the nightmare has just begun.
Westin and I walk hand in hand to work. I woke up with a promise to act normal. I made my choice to keep this from him, and now I have to do everything in my power to ensure those around me don’t pay the price.
“Do you have surgery planned today?” Westin asks.
“Yeah, I have one early this morning, but after that it’s just rounds. I’ll check on my trial patients, visit with . . .” I stop myself. I can’t visit with Mrs. Whitley, she’s gone.
Wes squeezes my hand. “I’ve got a full caseload today.”
“Okay, so maybe we’ll see each other later?”
He winks with a grin. “I sure hope so.”
Last night was a real turning point for me. I realized just how much Westin means to me. I want him to succeed and become chief, or whatever he wants to be.
Now that I’ve done something to jeopardize that, it’s tearing me up inside.
“I’ll text you when I’m done, okay?” I ask.
“Of course, have a good day.” He gives me a chaste kiss as we head in opposite directions.
My day is pretty easy. I get through my first surgery without any issues. I’m able to push all my shit down and just focus on what I’m good at. Martina watches me as I lean against the sink with a sigh. I’m exhausted.
“I’m sorry again about Mrs. Whitley,” she says as she tosses her surgical gown into the bin.
“I’m glad she’s not suffering.”
“I’m sure that wasn’t easy for you,” she notes.
“No, it wasn’t,” I admit. It made me snap and have a complete lapse in judgment, but I can’t tell her that.
She moves toward me, leans in, then pulls back, and repeats the movement again. “What are you doing?” I ask her.
“Deciding whether or not I should hug you.”
I laugh and shake my head. “You’re insane.”
“I just know she became family to you, Ren. I also know how personally you take not being able to save the world.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to save anyone when I can’t even save myself. “I’d rather not talk about it.” Honestly, it’s making me nervous to think about anything that happened yesterday.
“I understand,” Martina says. “So, things are going well with you and Dr. Grant?”
Another topic I’d rather avoid. No doubt Julie and Martina have been gossiping. They’re roommates and they don’t believe in secrets.
“They are.” I nudge her. “He’s a good guy.”
“Finally!” she giggles.
“Dr. Adams,” Dr. Pascoe calls my name as he enters the scrub room. “Can I have a minute?”
“I’ll just go check on the OR and make sure it’s cleaned up,” Martina says looking between us and then hurries out with an apologetic smile.
Panic fills my stomach as the door closes. The air is sucked out of the room while he stands there in silence. This can’t be good. He knows something or maybe someone saw me last night. I wasn’t thinking clearly and probably fucked something up.
“How are you?” he asks.
Ready to shit myself. “I’m fine. You?”
Keep it cool, Ren. Just breathe and act normal.
“I’m doing well. Is the trial going well?”
“So far,” I almost choke on the lie. I need to do better than this. “How’s Monica?”
“Good, she’s doing good. I wanted to talk to you because I have it on good authority that the current chief of surgery will be stepping down in the next month. Do you think you’ll put in for it?”
If I could let out a huge sigh, I would. The tension in my body loosens as I realize this has nothing to do with yesterday.
“I don’t think so. I really haven’t thought about it.” Which is partially true. I had wanted the position years ago. It was what I was working toward, until I realized I’d never get to work on patients other than when I pushed my way into the operating room. There’s also an insane amount of paperwork, politics, and listening to doctors bitch, and I’d rather avoid that.
“Really? I figured you would be one of the top candidates.”