Mom grasps at my hands and Everton’s. And then my brother begins speaking with silent tears. “Mick was all bluster because on the inside, he knew that Harmony was the woman for him.” My brother looks to me with desperation. So I continue.
I tell her about their love and the life they built. How adversity was nothing they couldn’t tackle if they had each other. My heart turns over in my chest as I think about how I felt the same before a voicemail. How I believed my love with Bryce was all I needed, and now it’s gone.
My mother’s chest rises and falls, and I see the struggle. I bring my head back to hers, tears falling, leaving droplets on the pillow beside her, and I know what she needs—permission to stop fighting. “It’s okay, Mom. You can let go, we’ll take care of Daddy.”
She takes two more shallow breaths, and then nothing else comes.
Everton sinks into the chair and I cry quietly, already feeling the loss of the woman who made me who I am.
I vow right now that I will fight cancer and ensure that as few people as possible will ever suffer loss like I just felt.
Chapter 21
Mrs. Whitley is gone. She’s gone and my world feels as though it’s crumbling around me. Bryce, Westin, Allison, my family, my beliefs . . . they all seem to dissolve around me as I stare at the woman I cared for so deeply.
If I stand here, I’ll break down. I don’t say a word as I rush out of the room, feeling disoriented and confused. Patients die. That is my reality. I’ve spent the greater part of my career keeping them at a distance, but never being cruel. Why did I let her in? Why did I have to lose her today? She should’ve been surrounded by her son and grandchildren. She was a beautiful woman who should’ve been loved by everyone. Cancer once again claimed someone and robbed them.
I’m supposed to be the one who stops it.
I’m the doctor that should’ve saved her. I did everything, and I still failed.
My feet move, but I can’t see anything through the tears.
I failed her.
I failed me.
I failed my mother again.
People move around me, but I don’t pay any attention, too lost in my own world and drifting away. That’s what the last few weeks have felt like. My anchor has broken and I’m lost at sea.
I hear someone laugh and I glance up to see Allison and Bryce huddled together in her room. He’s lying on the bed, arms wrapped around her and she’s staring up at him like he’s the reason she’s on this earth. I don’t know how long I stand here, watching them, but it’s like a movie in front of me.
“You love me?” she asks him.
“A little,” Bryce teases her.
It’s clear he loves her. His natural smile, the way his eyes are tender and his voice is soft. She means the world to him, and I see it all now. Bryce stares at Allison like my father saw my mother, and I realize it’s nothing like how he once looked at me. We were in love, yes, but it was young and wistful. We didn’t know the cruelties of life outside of college. Neither of us knew the strains of working, stress, finances, and true trials of the world. We failed our very first test, they haven’t.
She is who he is meant to be with.
“You know you love me more than a little,” Allison touches his face. “Besides, no one else would put up with your shit.”
She loves him the way I never could—enough to fight.
He laughs. “Is that so? Well, how much do you love me?”
He needs her like he never needed me.
Allison pretends to ponder. “I’m not sure. You’re kind of a pain in my ass.”
They’re meant to be together.
“That’s part of my charm.”
We were kids when we loved, but what they share is a true, honest, and beautiful love. As adults.
She shakes her head, and suddenly her mood shifts. Her fingers move softly against his stubble. “Who will take care of you if I’m gone?”
Bryce’s voice is full of determination as he takes her face in his hands. “You’re not going anywhere. Do you hear me? Say it. I won’t let you because I won’t survive it, Ali.”
“Okay, okay, I’m not going anywhere. Relax,” she smiles. “I love you, and our love will keep us strong. Besides, I’m getting the medication to make it better. I can feel it working.”
I take two steps back, hitting the wall and feeling the breath leave my chest in a huff. The remaining parts of my heart shatter and I know I can’t watch this. He could lose the happiness and future they deserve and I could be the one to stop that. One less loss in the world.
One less person in pain because of cancer.
Giving a patient what they truly need shouldn’t be this difficult of a choice.
I’m a doctor. I took an oath to help people. I’m a woman who has watched the people around me suffer when I didn’t have a way to help, but now I have a way. I believe it deep in my bones. It’s a risk, but I don’t care, because I’ll be the only one ruined. Allison will be happy. Bryce will be happy, and by the time anyone finds out, all my patients will have gotten the meds.
I have to do this. It’s the right thing.
Without another thought, I walk to the lab, determined to not allow one more person I love to suffer. Fourteen years ago, Bryce made a choice to push me away to save my mother and my schooling. Now, I’m going to help someone he loves.
There’s a doctor walking out of the lab as I get there, and I catch the door before it closes so I don’t have to put my code in.
“Hello?” I call out.
No one answers.
I walk to the locked cabinet where the trial information is kept, and I dig through the folders. There’s one folder that I know has the medication that was meant for Lindsay, the patient that dropped out. This drug is just sitting here while Allison got the placebo. I stand here, holding the one thing in my hand that can destroy me to save another.
All I have to do is change the number on this folder and the number on Allison’s.
One swipe of the pen and no one will know except for me.
I close my eyes and hear my mother’s voice. “You have a gift Serenity, a beautiful gift and the ability to heal those around you, don’t ever squander that. Push past your own fears my beautiful girl. Don’t fear what you know is right.”
But can I do it? Can I actually go through with it? What if this isn’t right?
There’s no what if.
I know what I’m doing is wrong on a professional level. I’ll lose my job, respect, Westin, my family, and everything could go up in flames, but . . .
It’s wrong to not do it.
I can help someone. I can give them what they want, I know it. I know this trial is the right combination of meds, and while I may lose everything, I can give something to someone else. I can save her. This is the right thing. Allison will die otherwise and I will never forgive myself. Yes, I can do this.
I grip the pen and write the number, grab the vial, and stick it in my pocket. Tomorrow, Allison will be given the next dose of the actual medication and I pray this will be the cure she needs, keeping Bryce from ever feeling the pain of losing anything else. I look back down at the vial, memorizing the numbers so I can adjust her chart, peel the label on the vial she actually received and swap it with this one. It’ll look like they were always this way now.