I’ve . . . done it.
My heart pounds as I rush out of the lab before anyone sees me and head down the hall. I need to change out the scan code on the bag in the machine to match the vial that I’m holding now. That’s the only loose end.
Now that I’ve gone this far, I can’t stop. I have to make sure that I do my best to cover my tracks.
My mind is racing, my stomach in knots as I knock on the door to finish the goal I have.
“Dr. Adams,” Allison says as I enter the room.
“I just need to check your machine,” I say with a strangled smile. My throat is tight and I feel out of control. The ground isn’t the same as it always was. Now it has cracks, flaws, and uneven edges that I’m tripping on.
“Are you okay?” she asks as she glances at Bryce.
No. I’m not okay. I’m not even sure what I’m doing, other than following my heart. I’ve come this far, I can’t go back now.
“I’m fine. I just have to make sure there are no errors on the paperwork,” I say, looking at Bryce for the first time. I see the panic in his eyes, but I nod, hoping he’ll understand to trust me.
I walk over to her chart and look at the code, it’s two numbers off. If I make it too obvious, it’ll be suspicious. One of the zeroes could be made into a six. It’s the easiest to change, and something that could have been a simple mistake. I strike a line through it, initial, and rewrite it with the six as though the new vial is what she received today. If anyone asks, I can say I wrote the wrong number the first time and needed to fix it.
“Everything looks great,” I say as I close her chart. “I’ll be back tomorrow and then you’ll have a few days off.”
Allison smiles. “At least I’ll have this week before the fun really starts.”
“Yeah,” I twist my hands as my adrenaline starts to ebb. “Have a good night.”
Bryce rises from the chair and extends his hand. “Thank you, Dr. Adams.”
I shake his hand and then pull back. “Don’t thank me. I’m doing my job.”
My legs are like jelly as I walk out the door and I grip the edge of the counter outside to keep myself from falling.
Holy fucking shit, what did I just do?
Chapter 22
I open the door to Westin’s apartment, unsure how I even got here. I’m in a haze, things are going on around me, but I don’t register anything.
I did something potentially stupid, and now I can’t undo it. The time on the clock says eleven forty, and I grip the back of the chair for support. Where have I been the last few hours?
I remove my coat and boots, and make my way to the bedroom. Westin lies there, snoring lightly. I strip down to my underwear and climb into bed. He doesn’t move, and the tears I’ve fought back all night finally fall, soaking the pillow.
I miss my mother.
All the years of grief I’ve stuffed down deep rises to the top, spilling over and leaving me raw. She should be alive right now. If I never lost her, none of this would’ve happened. The course of my life would have been very different.
How can it hurt so much this many years later?
Westin rolls over, his eyes meet mine and he shifts up on his elbow. “Are you crying?”
I’ve only cried once in front of him, and it was two years ago when I thought my father had cancer.
“I lost Mrs. Whitley,” I say as a sob escapes my throat. Saying the words out loud brings it all forward. “I lost her, Wes. She died and it was like going back in time.”
“What do you mean?”
I look at him, wanting to say everything and nothing at the same time. “My mom. It was like . . . just . . . I-I’m a doctor. I should be used to this. I d-don’t know why I’m crying.”
Westin doesn’t say a word, he just pulls me to his chest. I wrap my arms around him, holding on because he’s the only thing I know is safe right now. “You loved her,” he says as he rubs his fingers in my hair. “That’s why you’re crying.”
The sounds that fill the air terrify me. I cry for the patients I’ve lost, for my father, my mother, the mess that is my life, for Bryce and his wife, and for a woman I never should’ve allowed myself to get so close to. There’s no stopping the tears, I have no control over my body in this moment. “I’m so weak,” I admit.
“No, baby. You’re not weak, you’re human and have a lot of shit going on. Mrs. Whitley was a wonderful woman.”
I nod. “She was like my mother in so many ways.” I turn my head to look at him through the tears.
“Yeah?”
“She met her husband when she was a young girl, like my parents. They struggled to make ends meet, but it never broke them.”
He wipes a tear falling down my face. “You’ve never told me about your family.”
How could Westin be so important in my daily life but know nothing about me? Oh, because I wouldn’t let him in. I’ve fought against feeling more than friendship because of fear.
“They were hippies who smoked a lot of pot,” I sigh. “A lot. They loved each other more than anything else in the world. We grew up poor, but Everton and I had no idea because we wanted for nothing. Mom had ovarian cancer and her clinical trial helped, but not enough. There are so many things I didn’t know that I would’ve done differently if I was her doctor.”
His lips turn up into a sad smile. “You couldn’t save her, Ren. I see the look in your eyes, it’s the same one I had when my brother died. It’s not your fault, and you can’t save everyone.”
Six years ago, Westin’s brother was in a horrible accident, one that left Westin watching another neurosurgeon operating on him, but he was too far gone. We were both interns at the time and I’ll never forget the way he looked that day.
“Isn’t that my job?” I ask with so much pain in my voice even I can hear it. “Our job is to save everyone! I didn’t save Mrs. Whitley!”
He sits up, pulling me with him. “You’re not God. You can’t save everyone and you’d be a fool to think you can.”
“Then I’m a fucking fool!” I scream. “We’re supposed to do more.”
He takes my face in his hands, holding me so we’re nose to nose. “Do you not think you did enough? Seriously? You were there for her when her son wasn’t. You made her smile, laugh, and gave her hope. Fuck, Ren, you did more for her than most doctors would. You never gave up on her. You care more about your patients than anyone I know. You don’t see it, do you?”
I shake my head.
“You’re an exceptional doctor because your patients become a part of you. Watching you, and the way you treat your patients, has made me a better doctor. You give them everything.”
My body is trembling, but Westin holds on tight. He has no idea what I’ve given, and it could just take everything I’ve worked for. Westin is a far better doctor than me.
“So do you,” I say as tears fall. I think about the man he is, the man who learned to flash mob just for his patient. The doctor who is so broken down at the end of the day, but gets up ready to fight the next.
“Which is what makes me drawn to you. I see you, all of you, and I know that you struggle, but I’m here. I’ve been here for two years whether you wanted me or not.”