We’d stay away from the sexual side because he wouldn’t want that from me. But we were definitely going to talk about it at some point. I didn’t want him going into an unsafe situation and he’d admitted that he didn’t have anyone else to talk to about this kind of stuff.
Realizing that I wasn’t asking about his dirty fantasies seemed to make things easier, but he simply shrugged which wasn’t much help. I cleared my throat which made him giggle and then force some words out. “I don’t know.”
That was better than silence but not by much.
“When you think about doing things with your Daddy, is he doing things like cutting up your food and taking care of you or are you too old for that?” I wasn’t sure where the internet and his imagination had taken him, but I figured that was a good starting point.
“I’ve seen a couple online where the Daddy does that and my friend online says his Daddy does all kinds of things for him.” Again, it wasn’t specific, but it filled in some of the blanks.
“What about toys? Would coloring or things like blocks be fun?” When he nodded, I was back to being frustrated that I didn’t have anything for him to play with.
“My online friend has a sandbox.”
I could only assume that the online friend was a real person, but the way Joseph kept answering questions had me second-guessing that. If the guy was real, it was probably easier for Joseph to point to a stranger than to himself.
“I bet he has fun with that.” That earned me another nod. “What else does he like to do?”
“He likes playing with toys and he’s got a dinosaur outfit that he loves.” Joseph giggled. “I don’t get the dress-up thing, but he loves it.”
Okay, toys yes, dress-up no.
I was going to have a lot more questions tomorrow, but for now, searching for some toys was top on the to-do list before bed. “How about we look through the cabin and see if we can find some toys or crayons?”
When he nodded but made no move to get up, I chuckled. “Then we can find another movie to watch or maybe dig up some cartoons.”
“Okay.” His teasing half-smile said that had been his goal the whole time. Someone had a lot of cuddles to make up for. “We had some younger cousins on my mother’s side who used to come visit when they were kids, so maybe there’s some of that stuff left.”
With that as our starting point, Joseph climbed off me and didn’t bat an eyelash when I reached for his hand and stood. I didn’t think either of us wanted space. I liked holding him and I had a feeling he wasn’t ready for the real world to intrude just yet.
“Start upstairs?” I glanced up at the ceiling. “That seemed to be set up for kids.”
“Yeah.” Joseph shrugged, but his smile seemed a bit off. “I think there’s some stuff in the closet in there.”
“We don’t have to look if you don’t want to.” Tugging on his hand, I wrapped my arm around him and hugged him close. “This is supposed to be fun and a way for you to explore things you’ve been curious about. There’s no reason to be nervous.”
His head rested against my shoulder. He wasn’t short, but I had a good few inches on him in height and I was a bit broader too. When I was a kid, my father had called us farm stock, and he’d always teased that he wasn’t sure where my brains had come from.
“I’m not nervous…just…well, not exactly.” His fingers started absently stroking my shirt and I could almost hear the wheels in his head turning. “It just seems weird to do that…especially with someone else around.”
Yeah, I could understand that.
“But I’m not just someone. I’m a Daddy and I can’t wait to see what we find for you to play with.” I found myself kissing his head, but again, he didn’t pull away or tell me I’d crossed boundaries. “One step at a time and we’ll see what part of being little you have the most fun with and what feels right.”
He nodded but was slow to pull away. Finally, he took a long breath and straightened, but reached down to take my hand. “Let’s go look.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant look for the toys or just look at the toys we might find, but either way, it would work. “Perfect.”
He led the way upstairs, still keeping his fingers laced through mine as I followed closely behind him. When we got upstairs, I saw the bed he’d been sleeping in and his bags tossed haphazardly on the floor. Going to the other end of the room, he pointed to a closet and another small door that looked like a crawl space.
Since the closet seemed easier, I headed in that direction. “Let’s see what we can find.”
He reached for the door, reluctantly dropping my hand as it opened. It was full of odds and ends, board games that had seen better days and stacks of sheets and towels. As we started digging through the piles, we found a few things that would work. “These are cute.”
The twin sheets were soft and decorated in colorful race cars. They clearly weren’t new but looked to be in good shape. Turning, I pointed to the first queen bed. “I think there’s a twin tucked under that bed. I saw it the first time I came in to look around. We might not need it, but it could be interesting. I think your little side might find a blanket fort to be a fun place to play.”
When Joseph just stared at the sheets, I reached out and squeezed his shoulder. Was it all just catching up to him or had the blanket fort been too much?
Chapter 8
Joseph
I was standing there looking like an idiot, but he was so relaxed it was like I’d fallen into another dimension. Swallowing, I forced a deep breath and nodded. I could do this. If he wasn’t uncomfortable talking about blanket forts and toys, I wasn’t going to be either.
This was Forest.
“That sounds like fun.” And it did…even if the tone of my voice probably had him questioning my sincerity.
I’d pushed away so many thoughts about what I wanted over the past few years that I wasn’t sure who my little side was any longer, but I wanted to get to know him again. Before everything had fallen apart, I’d had a list of things I was curious about.
And some of it hadn’t even been sexual.
I know, the hormonal eternally aroused gremlin that lived inside teenage boys had been just as surprised as the rest of me.
For a long time after my life had exploded, the idea of being little and having a Daddy had a taint to it that I couldn’t ignore. It had been easier to push away the desire than deal with my emotions. Maybe it had just been time or maybe it was Forest, but the old scars seemed to be fading.
Leaning close, because cuddling made everything better, I rested my head on his shoulder and took a deep breath. “What else looks like it might be fun?”
I wasn’t ready to go digging in and declaring toys perfect for my little side yet, but if Forest was willing to give me a push, I’d try. I’d let my father take away something I loved just because of his own fears.
Whatever the hell they were.
Because really, in this day and age, who thought Daddy and father were the same thing?
Not wanting thoughts of him to ruin the mood, I mentally cleared my head and focused on Forest. Everything was easier when I just let him take the lead. Was that a copout or just part of being submissive?