Eli gets up and stalks back to the front of the cabin, leaving me to sit in the solitude I sought in the first place. Clearly, I think I’m mostly responsible for everything that’s happened to Hayley, but the things Eli said were not my initial reasons why. Now I can’t stop thinking about them.
Chapter 19
Hayley
I have this constant flutter in my stomach. It’s not the good kind when you go over the top of the hill on a roller coaster or when you see the one you love walking toward you from the other end of the block. It’s this nagging sick feeling that never goes away. It makes me want to puke, hide, and run all at the same time.
The feeling has grown and grown over the past few weeks. In the beginning, I was able to run it away, will it away, sleep it away, even sex it away. Now nothing makes it go away. It’s always there, ever present. I’d hoped now that things I tried to keep secret were out in the open, it would help. It doesn’t.
Wes has his hand on my back from the moment Eli and Dylan drop us off. It used to be a gesture I loved, now I don’t. It makes me feel weaker than I already am. He’s totally overcompensating by carrying my bags, waiting on me hand and foot, and what’s worse, everything we do is small talk. I hate it.
He sets the bags down so he can open the door. I could have done that, but it’s yet again another thing I’m not allowed to participate in. I felt safe inside these walls once. We get on the other side of the door and my gym bag is still on the counter, files from the office are all over the coffee table, my computer desk is filled with half-done designs.
I stand still in the middle of the apartment as he starts breaking into routine. He puts the bags in the bedroom, turns on the speaker so the room is filled with nineties grunge, and slides the balcony door open so we can hear the city.
My arms are pinned to my side. I have to freeze my thoughts, or I will freak out. I jump a little when Wes wraps his arms around me from behind. His chin rests softly on the top of my head. “It feels good to have you home. Did you want me to make us something? Hell, even a bowl of cereal sounds good.”
“I can do cereal. Let me get it, okay?”
“No. It was a long couple of days. Why don’t you go chill in bed, and I’ll bring you a bowl?”
“I can still do things myself you know,” I huff.
“I know. I just want to take care of you.”
“Oh. So now you want to take care of me?”
His hands freeze on my arms. I can feel the slow rise of his head off mine. “Hayley. I always have.”
“I’m sorry. I’m still tired. I’ll wait for the Coco Puffs in bed like you said.”
“All right, Babe. I’ll be right there. Get comfortable.”
His lips leave an imprint on the top of my head. I’m the one who peels them away by moving toward the bedroom. The bed is sort of made and sort of not… just how we left it. Just before Eli and Dylan picked us up for California, we had our bags waiting at the door and we did what we do best, a quickie before we leave the house. It’s sort of become a ritual for us.
The clothes I had on before we left are still in a pile on the floor. My favorite jeans of Wes’s are lying over the corner of the bed. It feels like no time but all the time in the world has passed. I pick up our clothes from the floor and take them to the hamper in the closet. Wes’s Minnesota Wild sweatshirt is on top of the clothes basket on the floor. I don’t know why, but it’s what I want to wear.
I slide it on over my head before I ditch my sweatpants, T-shirt, and bra from the flight. As I turn around and the too big for me fleece falls, I catch a glimpse of my body for the first time in a full-length mirror on the back of the closet door. My curves used to be my weapon. Everything looks… less. I look less.
I hate it.
“Merlin? Babe?”
“I’m here. I just wanted something else to wear.” I emerge from behind the door to Wes’s half smile, half shock at my body. “What?”
“Nothing. It’s really nothing. I didn’t imagine you having that on is all. Not that I mind in the least. I thought your cereal sounded good too. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No. Not at all. Sharing isn’t a problem for me.” Unless it’s my feelings lately.
“Do you want to watch a movie? Talk? Play a game?”
“I’m not a child you need to amuse. We can just sit and eat.” I walk past him more abruptly than I intended, but I’m here now.
“I know you’re not a child. Why is this so hard? I’m really trying here, Hayley. I just want to make you feel better.”
He hands me my bowl as I cross my legs with my back firmly against my pillows. I look down into the crackling bowl of chocolatey goodness and yet I want so much to just set it aside. I need to listen to the half who knows better and at least have some. “This actually looks good to me.”
“I know I’m not supposed to bring it up, but I’m glad you’re having something. I want you to know I’m going to support however you need to sort this out. If you lead meal time, that’s more than okay. If you ever want me to go with you to therapy, I can do that too.”
“So… you’re planning on sticking around town for a while?” I ask.
“Of course I am. I was supposed to go out of town on a couple of overnighters next week, but I moved them. They will have to wait for a few weeks. I can do things by video.”
“Video? Won’t that hurt you in the long run? I mean, personal attention is better, right?”
“Yes, it is. That’s why I’m staying here. I’ll make it work.” I watch him slide into bed beside me, much like he did last night. The mattress takes a dip at my side as I pull the covers up and over any skin I have showing. “May I ask you something?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Why are you hiding your body from me?” Wes keeps on eating like he just asked me what my favorite color is or if the weather is nice. “You don’t have to answer. I just wanted to know.”
This tightrope I always walk with not knowing what the right thing is to say or do is a shit ton of the problem I have. He’s either intentionally or unintentionally made my feelings irrelevant for too long. Now he’s asking and it scares me just as much.
“The honest answer is… I guess I’m ashamed of myself.”
Wes lets his spoon drop to his bowl and, just as quickly, puts it aside. “Hayley, I hate that for you. I fucking hate it. I want to erase that feeling clean away from you.”
“I don’t know if you can.”
He turns to face me just as I place another spoonful in my mouth. I’m scared to look at him. I don’t want him to be able to see what I’m thinking. Wes hooks my chin with his index finger, pulling it slowly toward him. He takes my bowl from me and sets it next to his. “Those can wait for a few minutes.”
With a reach behind his back, he pulls on the center of his T-shirt and tugs it over his head. He folds the covers back so he can see my legs. “I’m not ashamed of you.”