“I don’t know if I can let her go.” Hayley holds on to me for another moment before I feel her change. Her body goes a little rigid then rolls away from me.
“It’s okay, Eli. Go talk to Colton and sit with Dylan. I’ll be okay.”
She’s far from okay. I know I can’t crowd her, so I let her go. “I’ll also call Mom and Dad. I’ll be just down the hall, Kiddo.”
“I know.”
She fakes a smile for me until I leave the room and close the door.
Hayley
My brother passes Wes with a look and a hand on his shoulder before he closes the door behind him. I don’t know or understand the look in his eyes. Is he looking at me with pity? Love? Concern? Fear? All of it? He looks as confused as I am.
I’m not sure what to say or do. To this point, since we went public, it has been mostly easy. Hannah has been our main issue. There have been little things, but everything else we’ve been able to sort out if we had to. Loving him has been the easiest decision of my life. I also know that loving him has partially put me here. I see the hands I want wrapped around me to make me feel safe, but I also know, especially lately, they often don’t.
“Hey, Babe. How do you feel? You scared the shit out of me.”
“I scared the shit out of me. I’m still a little dizzy, my head hurts, and I feel kind of weak.”
“I’m sure you do. Can you talk about what happened?”
“I don’t know what I would say. I don’t have many answers, Wes. I just don’t.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to. We just need to get you better, stronger. I…uh… I want to hold you. May I?”
I struggle with how to respond. I don’t want him to feel bad and I don’t want to feel bad anymore either. “Come over on the side Eli was on. I don’t want to tug on my IV.”
“No. Of course not.” My heart pounds harder and harder the closer he gets to me. I want to be held. I want to feel like everything is going to be okay. I just don’t know if that person should be him. His hand starts at my foot and slides its way up my leg. I feel a tremor in my body that wasn’t there before. It used to be how I felt every time he touched me. Is it different now? “You’re shaking. Is that normal? Should I call the doctor?”
“No. Don’t. It will stop once you’re next to me.”
At least I hope it will.
He slides his sneakers off and pulls the blanket back to crawl in at my side. Wes always has a roughness to his touch. He doesn’t do it intentionally. It’s just part of who he is. I think that’s part of what’s putting me off. He’s touching me like I’m going to break. I know I might. I don’t want him to know it though.
Wes cocoons me in his arms. His right slides under my body as I shakily hold my IV line up and his left rests over my hip as he rolls me toward him. I was right, my shivering did slow with him next to me. I hear him sigh a few times in the uneasy silence between us. I don’t have the energy or the words to start speaking first.
“I’m sorry, Hayley. I’m so sorry.” Those are the words that break the ice. “I should have paid closer attention. I should have seen and felt you were different.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t. Do you understand that?”
He holds me tighter and presses his lips to the top of my head. “Yeah. Yes. Of course. There’s plenty of time to talk. We’ll let the doctors to their thing and once you’re sprung from this joint, we’ll get you home. Things will be better, I promise. I’ll reschedule my next couple of trips. I’ll stay home with you. I’ll be by your side every minute.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” I bark.
“I… I know. I just want to take care of you. Let me.”
Arguing with him now won’t do any good. I don’t even know what I’d be arguing for or against. I do know one thing, he’s right. I need to get out of here and go home. I thought California would be a chance for things to get better. It seems to be falling more apart. I’m trying to remember what Eli said. One thought at a time. One minute at a time. His cologne seems to soothe me. He’s always made a good pillow. In this moment, I’m comforted, and I feel safe. Under Eli’s rules, I need to go with it for as long as it lasts.
Chapter 17
Dylan
Colton’s smile and a pair of soft hands around my shoulders tell me my husband is back. Eli lifts my leg from the couch and pulls it into his lap as he sits. When he’s as settled as he’s going to get, he cups the sides of his neck with his fingers and digs in, with hopes of relieving the tension I can feel shedding off him.
Colton asks the question I know we’re both thinking. “How is she, Eli?”
“Well, she’s edgy, tired, scared, and as small as I’ve ever seen her. She’s asking some of the same questions we are. How did we get here? Why did this happen? What’s going to happen now?”
“I’ve heard that’s pretty common, Eli. It sounds like she’s got a lot on her mind. So what’s the official plan? When can we take her home?”
“Like they hinted, they are going to keep her overnight for observation.”
“I know I don’t have the right to ask, but what happened to her? Do they know what’s wrong?” Eli and I both look at each other, both of us wanting to fill Colton in and not in the same breath. “Shit. What?”
“They aren’t one-hundred-percent sure, but they are leaning toward an eating disorder.” Eli’s face falls with every single word. I know saying it out loud makes it real. It makes everything real.
“Jesus Christ. This is a new thing, right? I mean, I don’t remember you ever telling me this before. Sorry. Fuck if I’m not stumbling over my every word.”
I pat Eli’s hand to let him know I’ve got this. “I’ve suspected it but only recently. I’ve had it happen to a few friends in the past. We didn’t know, no.”
“I can only imagine what this feels like for you, man. I know if it was Quinlan I’d be ripped apart. What’s the plan, like Dylan said? What comes after an overnight stay?”
“Well, we need to get her home. Then I’d suppose therapy. The doctor on her case said they’re going to have someone from the psychiatric service come by and talk to us. I’m sure we can ask questions about the path then. I’ve got to call our parents and let her boss know she’ll need some time off.”
“Let me call and put my jet on standby again. You can take it whenever you need to, and it will be more private for Hayley.”
“Thanks, Wood. That would be great.”
“I’ll make sure the plane is ready tomorrow morning and you can go right to the airport from here, no matter what time. Do you want me to check with Ryles to see if she has any recommendations for you? I don’t know if she’s had any experience with this, but it’s worth a shot.”