But so had Miller. Miller had also been there for me when Matt didn’t have my back. Miller let me hang out with him when I was scared of my dad. And he’d held me together for the past nine months.
I hadn’t even known Matt nine months.
I slowly breathed in and out. None of the particulars mattered. The truth was that Miller held me tight every night. And I dreamed of Matt. I dreamed of Matt coming to save me.
But that was the thing. I hadn’t really needed him to save me. I just needed him to not forget. That wasn’t asking too much.
Matt still loved me. I felt it in my bones. Because I still loved him too.
I was making the right choice. And I was proud of myself. I was going to New York. And I was going to live happily ever after with the first boy I ever fell in love with.
Chapter 22
Monday
I rolled down the windows of the car, happy to have the fresh air in my hair. When my dad told me I couldn’t go outside anymore, Miller had been wonderful about letting me open a window to let the breeze in. As long as we were watching the window at all times. Which meant not at night, which made it hard to sleep.
After all, one never knew when Isabella might crawl through the window with a machete. I wouldn’t put it past her. She had killed a cute dog and painted a threat in Matt’s room with the little guy’s blood. She was crazy. I truly hoped she was getting the help she needed. But I wasn’t going to wait around for her to be sane. That could be a lifetime.
Maybe that’s why my stomach twisted into more knots the closer I drove toward NYC. I didn’t know where the institute Isabella was staying was located. And it felt like I was driving toward danger just as much as it felt like I was driving home.
It was possible that Isabella was already out. My dad hadn’t visited in a couple weeks. And I had a suspicion he wasn’t going to make her miss her first semester of college. So…she could be free. Out there thinking I was alive.
I tried to shake away the thought. I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t even feel like myself anymore. And I didn’t want to waste another second of my life thinking about Isabella.
I wondered if Miller had reached his new place yet. Did he like it? I’d spent a lot of time searching for what I thought would make him happy. That’s what I wanted. For him to be happy. It’s all I wanted. Miller deserved the whole world.
I smiled as the breeze went through my hair. It reminded me of running on the beach with Miller. It was strange. I’d spent the fall, winter, spring, and summer with Miller. I’d only ever spent one fall with Matt. The summer breeze didn’t remind me of Matt at all. And it was weird that something that didn’t remind me of him could make me so happy.
I knew Miller in every season. I loved him in every season.
Stop.
God, what was I doing?
I wanted to turn the car around. I wanted to press down on the gas harder to get to Matt faster. I didn’t know what I wanted at all.
I took the first exit I could and pulled into the rest stop. I wished my mom was here. She’d know what to do. She always had the best advice. And she hadn’t lived long enough for me to ask her advice about boys.
But I knew her well enough to know what she’d suggest at this moment. Ice cream. I smiled. Yup, she definitely would have recommended ice cream. Ice cream was a cure-all at our house. I climbed out of the car and wandered into the rest stop. I kept my sunglasses on. My hair was still nothing like it used to be, but I wanted to make sure no one recognized me. I wouldn’t put it past Isabella to run me off the side of the highway and kill me road rage style.
I ordered some mint chocolate chip ice cream and sat down in a plastic seat, as far away from anyone else as possible. I picked up my spoon and was just about to take a bite when my stomach twisted further into knots.
Miller would have suggested ice cream too. Whenever I was upset, it was like he knew I needed a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. He kept the freezer stocked full of it. Did Matt even know I liked mint chocolate chip ice cream? I couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t I remember? It suddenly seemed like a very important thing he should know about me.
And now I was sitting here wondering if I was craving ice cream because my mom would have suggested it or because Miller would have.
I missed my mom.
I stared into my bowl. I missed Miller too.
And I wasn’t hungry anymore. I set the bowl down on the table.
Maybe I shouldn’t be going to Matt or Miller. When Miller first drove me to the beach house, I’d told him we should head west instead. I’d always wanted to touch the Pacific Ocean. I wondered if it was the same as the beaches here. The same salty smell in the air. I could just drive away from all of this. Start over completely. I had a new passport in the car. A new identity. A fresh start where no one knew me.
But…I didn’t really want to disappear. I loved the life I’d made with Matt. And I loved the life I had with Miller. I didn’t want to start over. I just didn’t know where I wanted to keep going.
I sat in the rest stop until my ice cream melted. I was frozen. I was frozen in time. It was like I’d stopped living. Which was a crime in and of itself. I knew better than that. Life was short. And I knew why I was frozen.
I needed to see Matt. I dumped my melted ice cream and headed back out to my car. I couldn’t move forward until I had answers. I’d made up my mind about this. And I was only second guessing everything because I didn’t know what I wanted to see. Matt mourning me? Matt being happy? Even though that last one felt like a knife in my heart, I still wanted that for him. I just wanted him to be happy.
Just like I wanted Miller to be happy.
It was time to rip the Band-Aid off. I needed to know the truth. I needed Matt to know the truth. I couldn’t run away from this. Or hide on the west coast because I was scared.
I pulled back onto I-95. I was a Sanders. And Sanderses were brave. My mom was brave as she faced death. My uncle was brave too. And if they were brave facing the unknown, I could be brave facing the unknown too. I’m a Sanders. Not a Pruitt.
***
I parked the car down the street from Matt’s, right in front of James and Rob’s place. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because I was scared about what I was about to see. And if I needed a pick me up, Rob could make me laugh. Or James could sit with me while I cried. I wondered if they really were all friends again. I also wondered why I was thinking about the Hunters at all. I was here for Matt.
I didn’t need Rob to make me laugh. Or to drown in sorrow with James. I needed Matt. My heart was racing so hard in my chest that it actually hurt.
Now that I was parked here, staring at his house down the street, I knew I’d made the right decision. This place had become my home. I never thought I would fit into his world…but I did. We fit. It was as simple as that.
I pulled on a baseball cap to hide my identity even more. I checked my reflection in the mirror. Sunglasses, a hat, and hair that wasn’t mine. No one would know. And Isabella was locked up. Probably. I was fine.
But what if she really was out? It wouldn’t be out of the question for her to be in one of the houses on this street. She was friends with the Untouchables. Kind of. She could easily be staring at me from the Hunter’s mansion.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I climbed out of the car. I kept my eyes trained on the ground, hoping no one would try to talk to me. Not that there was anything to worry about. The neighborhood seemed deserted. School was going to start up in a couple weeks. I wondered if everyone was on vacation. Maybe all these people had houses in the Hamptons like my dad. They were off vacationing. Living life. Not remembering the girl who died last fall.