I stopped on the street outside Matt’s house. There weren’t any cars in the driveway, but that wasn’t unusual. They had a five-car garage. I stared at the gargoyles on either side of the front steps. I remembered how haunting they’d looked the first time I came here. But I actually thought they were kind of cute now. The house didn’t look nearly as menacing. Maybe I’d just lost my mind. I didn’t find the beach house menacing either. It had been my prison and I…kind of liked it. I didn’t know what menacing was anymore.
I tried to shake away the thought. I didn’t need to be second guessing myself anymore. I’d made my choice. I was here. For Matt. I stood up a little straighter. This was my home. This was where I belonged.
I looked up at the second story. Was Matt in his room? Was he thinking of me?
My heart started racing even more at the thought. I remembered our first kiss in the auditorium. The one he stole. I thought about how he’d sung to me on the homecoming float. I could almost smell his cinnamon exhales.
And just like that…I wasn’t scared anymore. I was excited. I was so excited to see him. I hurried up the long driveway and up the front steps.
I knocked before I lost my nerve. There were a million thoughts circling around in my head. The first being that I probably should have thought of what to say. If his butler answered, should I pretend to be a salesperson or something? Or confess everything to him so he’d let me in? What if Matt’s mom answered? Would she recognize me? God, I missed her hugs. And I could really use a hug right now.
Or maybe Mason would answer and pick me up and twirl me around in a big hug. Or maybe Matt himself would answer. My heart beat even faster. It felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I’d dreamt of being reunited with him. Countless times.
He’d be upset at first. Then relieved. Then he’d be on me. I imagined him not even being able to wait to have me again. Pressing my back against the door.
But I didn’t have to think about any of their reactions. Because no one answered the door. I lifted the heavy knocker and knocked again.
No answer.
Damn it. They were probably off vacationing somewhere extravagant. Not thinking about me at all. Stop. I knocked again.
No answer.
But I heard…laughter? Maybe? From somewhere. I tried to peer into one of the big windows, but the curtains were drawn tight.
I heard the noise again.
Oh. The Caldwells had a pool. They were probably all out back hanging out and relaxing. I remembered seeing the closed pool, looking forward to the summer when it would open.
I made my way back down the front steps and across the lawn. Even though I’d missed a lot of seasons with Matt, I had dreamt of a lot of them. All of them. I’d dreamt of our fairytale wedding in the winter. Lazy spring days when he didn’t have football practice. And summer fun in his backyard in the pool. I’d wanted all those things. I’d been looking forward to all of it with him.
I heard another laugh. It was like I was walking back into happiness. And each step I took…I knew it was right. This was the right choice.
I’d made Matt promises for a reason. When I reached the side of the house I started running. I wanted back in his arms. Back in his heart. Back in his life. It felt like I was falling in love all over again.
And I almost did fall when I reached the backyard. I certainly froze.
Because Matt was there. With a girl. They were too close.
She moaned and her fingers tightened on his shoulder.
I ducked behind a bush. No. No, no, no. That wasn’t…they were just…it couldn’t be. I peered out from my hiding spot.
Matt pulled her hair so she’d tilt her head back. For just a second I thought it was Isabella. It was like all I could focus on was her dark hair. Maybe because I couldn’t even believe the rest of what was happening. I blinked. But the scene in front of me didn’t stop. Matt didn’t push her away and say he was engaged. He didn’t stop her at all. Or more accurately…he didn’t stop himself. Because he was the one initiating this. He was the one with his hands all over her. His lips all over someone that wasn’t me.
I watched him kiss her neck. I watched his hands wander to her breasts. I heard her moans. I listened to her beg for more. I listened to him groan.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. I blinked. Again. And again. Trying to rid the image from my eyes.
But they just kept going.
“Matt,” she moaned. “Oh, God, yes, Matt!”
He buried his face in her breasts.
I was going to be sick. I remembered when he kissed my neck like that. Touched me like that. Groaned like that when he was inside of me.
I was definitely falling. But not back in love. I was just…falling. And no one was there to catch me when I landed anymore.
I closed my eyes tight. And as their moaning got louder I covered my ears. I felt my body trembling. I heard myself crying. But I wasn’t worried about them hearing me. They were being plenty loud enough.
How could he touch her like that?
Kiss her like that?
Fuck her?
She wasn’t me.
She’s not…me.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat in the dirt crying. But eventually I thought the sounds had stopped. I peered back out from the bush.
The girl was sitting on the edge of the pool now, splashing water at Matt.
Matt was still in the pool, smiling up at her. And I wasn’t close enough to know for sure. But I was pretty sure that was a real smile. And it was real when he kissed her ankle. And slowly traced his lips up her thigh. And pulled her back into the water to her screams of protests. It was all real. The kiss they shared was real.
The pictures my father showed me weren’t fake. And they weren’t even the worst of it.
Which meant…my dad was telling the truth.
All the Untouchables were friends again.
Kennedy and Felix were happy.
And Matt? He really hadn’t said a word at my funeral.
The knife in my chest twisted.
He really had asked for my ring back.
The knife twisted again.
He really had moved on.
The knife tore my heart in two.
It was all true.
All of it.
I sat here staring at him, missing him, hating him, loving him. I never knew I could feel so alone when I wasn’t. But watching Matt with that girl? I’d never felt more alone in my life. Like my solitude was strangling me.
I watched her kiss away his laughter. My replacement. A better version, really. She wasn’t Isabella. She looked oddly familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Maybe she’d gone to Empire High. I had no idea. All I knew was that she was prettier than me. And had bigger breasts. Her bathing suit was expensive. She clearly fit better into his world than I did. Not that it was a competition. Matt certainly seemed to prefer her.
He thought I was dead.
And he’d moved on. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.
I wanted to be happy for him. But it was like he’d just forgotten me. Had he ever hurt as much as I did? Did he even care that I was gone?
He’d said things to me that I didn’t think would be easily transferable to someone else. But was anything he said ever true?
Screw him.
Screw his new girlfriend.
I hoped they were happy together. I hoped they had a winter wedding and a honeymoon at the beach. I hoped they had four kids and spent summers out by the pool. I hoped they lived happily ever after. My happily ever after. I felt like it had been stolen from me. Like Matt had stolen my dreams and put in a substitute.