How could he be so okay when I was gone?
How?
Fucking how?
I started choking on my sobs.
Well, fine. He could have my happily ever after with someone new. I didn’t want it anymore. Not with Matt. Not here. I didn’t want any of it.
But…I didn’t move. I just kept staring at him betraying me.
He was supposed to wait for me.
I'd waited for him. I’d wait a lifetime for him.
I’d had temptation and I didn’t give in. He’d given in. Who knew how many times. And despite what he said, he was the liar. Not me. I meant every promise I’d made to him. I meant it. I was here because I loved him. When did he stop loving me?
Was it after the pudding prank?
Was he relieved I was dead?
How could he be? I still fucking loved him.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks.
Good for him. He never had to hurt like I did. He never had to suffer. Because he was Empire High’s golden boy. He got everything he wanted handed to him on a silver platter. And he didn’t want me anymore. Maybe he never did. That’s how it felt. Like he never cared at all.
I heard her start moaning again.
Again? Seriously? They’d just banged. I couldn’t look. I couldn’t listen.
Yes, I’d been torn for the last nine months. But I’d kept Miller at arm’s length. Because I couldn’t move on so easily. My feelings for Matt had been real. I loved him. I loved that boy so much it hurt. It really fucking hurt right now. Like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
It had been a while since I’d had a panic attack.
Because Miller made me feel safe.
There was no need to panic when he was by my side.
But now? I had nothing. And no one. I have no one. I’d put all my faith in Matt. All of it. But he was perfectly okay with me being gone. Blissful even. Fucking some random girl in his pool without a care in the world.
I should have walked out of those bushes and fucking slapped him. Confronted him for not keeping his promises to me. But what was the point? There was nothing he could say to fix this. Nothing.
I needed out of this yard. Out of this city.
Matt thought I was dead. And he was happy with that. And even though I was mad at him…I did want him to be happy. Of course I did. Because I still fucking loved him. He was happy without me. So it was better than I stayed dead. It’s what he wanted.
I pushed myself up off the ground. And I ran. I ran away and I didn’t look back. My tears blurred my vision.
I didn’t even know where I was going. I couldn’t think about anything but getting away from him.
He didn’t want me.
He’d moved on.
He thinks you’re dead.
But what did that matter? Based on the pictures my dad showed me, he hadn’t even mourned at all. He was happy I was gone. Blissfully happy with someone new.
I stopped running when I realized I was standing beneath James’ treehouse. I looked both ways to make sure no one was looking and climbed up the ladder. I slowly peeked my head inside to see if it was empty. The coast was clear. So I climbed up the rest of the way.
I curled into a ball and cried.
I cried until my lung hurt.
And my whole body was exhausted.
I hated that I was mad. It was selfish. I told myself I wanted Matt to be happy. But maybe he was right about me the whole time…I was a liar. Because I was fucking pissed that he was so happy without me.
I hated him.
I loved him.
And I cried because I hated myself. I hated myself for wanting him to be miserable. But if he’d just waited…
Stop.
It didn’t matter. He hadn’t waited. I couldn’t undo what he’d done. And I wasn’t going to mess up his life any more than I had.
I sniffed and sat up. I stared at the photos tacked to the wall.
All the Untouchables smiling and happy.
They were happy again now. My dad had shown me pictures. He’d shown pictures of Kennedy and Felix happy too. Everyone was happier with me gone. Happier that I was dead.
I hadn’t wanted to believe it.
But I did now.
Everyone’s glad you’re dead.
Everyone was better off without me.
I needed to get out of this treehouse before someone saw me. The last thing I needed was to be recognized and make everyone miserable again.
I took a deep breath. Matt doesn’t want you anymore. He doesn’t love you anymore. You need to leave.
But my body didn’t crawl back out of the treehouse. Instead I moved closer to the wall of pictures. I found one of Matt smiling at the camera. He was younger in it. He looked so happy. It was before he met me. Before I messed up his life.
Yeah, I needed to leave. And this time I’d leave it all behind. I’d leave and never come back. Ever again.
It hurt to think of what life would be like without him. But he was already living his life without me. I had to let him go. I had to let him be happy.
I was dead to Matthew Caldwell. I traced my fingertips across the picture of his perfect face. And he was dead to me too.
Chapter 23
Monday
I pressed my foot down harder on the gas. But it didn’t matter how fast I drove. I couldn’t get the scene of Matt in the pool out of my head. It just kept playing on repeat.
Who was that girl?
How was I so easily replaced?
I actually felt…dead.
I wanted to be back on the beach screaming at the ocean at the top of my lungs. But I wasn’t at the beach. I’d left that life behind. Just because I’d held on to some stupid hope.
I drove as fast as I could away from Matt. And out of the city that had only ever caused me pain.
My music blared and for a long time I felt numb. Until suddenly I didn’t anymore. I pulled over to the side of the road and screamed at the top of my lungs in my car. And screamed and screamed. Until my voice was hoarse and the tears had dried on my cheeks.
I thought about just abandoning my car and running off into the woods. I could just run until my legs gave out. Until I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do this anymore. It hurt too much. Every time I thought I overcame something, I kept getting knocked back down. I couldn’t keep doing this. I just wanted to…
What?
I stared at the woods.
Did I want to die? Was that really what I wanted? My body was running on empty right now. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I knew that. And yet the running until I died in the middle of the woods option felt like my best one. Literally running from the pain. Running until I couldn’t run anymore.
Everyone already thought I was dead. I put my head down on the steering wheel and started to cry again. I didn’t want to be dead. I just wanted to stop hurting so much.
It would hurt less the farther away I got from Matt. It would. I had to believe that. I lifted my head and pulled back out onto the highway. I drove farther and farther, waiting for my chest to stop hurting.
Matt and I were over. We’d been over for nine months. What had I been thinking? He was a player. Of course he was going to move on. Maybe he did love me back then. But love was fleeting for some people.
I didn’t even know where I was driving. I just…drove. It was like my body was working without my mind.
And when I pulled into the cemetery, I wasn’t at all surprised this was where it had taken me. I climbed out of the car and walked through the cemetery until I reached my mother’s grave. And then my body gave out. It was like it had gotten me to this point and couldn’t function anymore.