“Mom,” I croaked. My voice was hoarse from screaming and crying. “Mom.” I lay down on top of her grave and somehow managed to cry even more. “Mom I’m so tired. I don’t know how to keep going.”
She didn’t respond. Of course she didn’t. She was dead. And it wasn’t lost on me that even though she was dead I still loved her fiercely. Whereas when Matt thought I was dead he filled his days with other women.
“I fucked everything up,” I said into the silence. “Everything. I’m just so tired.”
I tried to picture her smile. Her voice. Her laughter.
But every day that passed without her made it harder for me to remember.
“I miss you so much.”
Silence.
“I thought I found a new family.” I thought about how accepting all the Caldwells had been. They’d embraced me like I was one of them. “I thought I had a home again.”
Silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me about my dad? Why didn’t you let me visit Uncle Jim more when I was little? Why did you keep a whole part of your life a secret from me?”
Silence.
“I was stronger than you realized. I could have handled the truth. I needed the truth from you.”
Silence.
I wasn’t sure why, but I was mad at her too. I was mad at her for leaving me all alone, knowing that the vultures were circling. Knowing I might wind up with my dad. Knowing I’d have no one. But I didn’t want to be mad. I just wanted to…I stared at the grass. I don’t know what I wanted. A piece of me wished I would actually stop breathing. That I’d die right here. Everyone else already thought I was dead.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.”
Silence.
“Does it stop hurting? Loving someone and them not choosing you back?”
Silence.
But my mom had lived through this pain. My father had chosen Isabella’s mom instead of mine. My mom had loved him. And she’d spent the rest of her life alone.
Matt chose someone else. And I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life missing someone who wasn’t missing me.
I pulled my knees into my chest. “Matt made missing you easier. He made breathing easier. And I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.”
I pictured Miller waiting for me at his new house. It would be easy to go to him. To tell him I was choosing him. But it would be a lie. This didn’t feel like a choice. This decision wasn’t in my hands.
Maybe I should have confronted Matt. Instead, I’d hid. Why hadn’t I come out? He might have been happy to see me.
But he already looked happy.
I lay here missing Matt. Missing Miller. Missing my mom. “What am I going to do?”
Silence.
I wasn’t even sure why I thought she’d be able to give me good advice here. She had terrible taste in men. My father was the worst.
“Please tell me it stops hurting.” I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to stop hurting. My heart? My head? All I wanted to do was climb in my car and drive to Miller. But it wouldn’t be fair to him. I couldn’t go there unless I knew for sure he was what I wanted. And right now my heart was broken.
I closed my eyes. I thought coming here would make me feel closer to my mom. But it didn’t. She felt…dead. The cold, hard ground felt nothing like a hug from my mother. But I couldn’t move. I didn’t have anywhere to go.
I pictured dancing with her in our yellow kitchen.
I pictured dancing with Matt in our Halloween costumes.
I pictured dancing with Miller on Christmas morning with his silly Santa hat.
I’d had so much love in my life and I’d lost it all.
I was cursed.
But then my mom’s words came back to me. Words I’d heard her say all the time. The best thing I’d ever learned from her. Time is precious. Don’t waste it.
How had I forgotten that? My mom’s life had been cut short. And I refused to waste a second of mine. I’d been wasting mine for nine months, letting myself be held captive. What was I doing?
I exhaled slowly. Or maybe I hadn’t been wasting it at all. Maybe I’d been falling in love with Miller. Slowly going from friends to more. The kind of love that was strong. And lasting. And real.
Honestly it was hard to know what was real at this point. I just needed some time to myself. Time to grieve my mother’s loss on my own. And my uncle’s loss. And losing Matt too. I needed to sort through this mess in my head before I figured out what I truly wanted. But right now I just wanted to lay here and talk to my mom.
“I have a lot to catch you up on,” I said.
Silence.
“I fell in love with a boy who was way out of my league. And for a little while he loved me too.”
Chapter 24
Thursday
The Pacific Ocean was colder than the Atlantic. And it didn’t smell the same at all. I couldn’t really explain it, but it was all wrong.
I was hoping standing here would give me clarity. But all it did was make me miss the beach house. Or was it Miller I missed? It was both. It was definitely both.
The more days that passed, the more I realized that I kind of loved the cage my father had put me in. I loved my routine there. I loved running on the beach with Miller and the lazy days swimming in the ocean. I loved reading next to him, sprawled out on the couch. And I loved dancing with him as we cooked. I loved my cage.
And I didn’t know what that said about me.
I needed to figure out how to be happy without being in isolation.
I wasn’t really sure I knew how to be happy on my own.
I needed to learn what it meant to be…me. Because I wasn’t dead. I was here, breathing, staring at an ocean I hated.
But it was still the beach. I’d loved being at the beach with Miller. I needed to see if I liked it on my own just as much. I needed to figure out my shit.
I sat down in the sand and stared at the crashing waves in the distance.
I needed clarity.
But right now everything just hurt.
Chapter 25
3 Months Later - Thursday
I liked waiting tables. I observed happy couples and families on vacation. They reminded me that happiness was possible. And I needed that reminder most days.
But the best part? Patrons treated me like I was invisible. And I liked being invisible. When I’d first stepped foot into Empire High, I was completely invisible to the other students. I kind of wondered what would have happened if I’d stayed that way. If I’d never stared at Matt. If I’d never made my way onto Isabella’s shit list. Would I still be going there? Would I be happier?
I shook away the thought. I was perfectly fine here. I’d come to the conclusion that happiness was just a bonus in life. Living was the real gift. And I was living. I didn’t need to smile and laugh all the time. I just didn’t. I’d take being invisible-and-okay over visible-and-in-pain any day. And I felt pretty okay here.
I refilled one tables’ drinks. They didn’t even look up to thank me. Which was fine. The less people that bothered to look me in the eye, the better. Isabella was probably off at some prestigious college now. Hopefully she wasn’t thinking at all about me. But…it was better to be safe.