My uncle had been the janitor at Empire High. I knew people made fun of him behind his back for picking up after them all day. But this was hard work. Good work. And it wasn’t beneath me. It was in my blood.
I felt closer to him when I was working.
Like a little piece of him was here with me.
I plopped the sponge in the bucket and sat back on the floor. I remembered being on the bathroom floor in my uncle’s small apartment. I’d gotten sick after drinking too much. He’d been there to help me through it. He’d cared about me. He’d had my back. I didn’t realize how rare of a quality that was. And I missed him.
It was one of the reasons why thinking about Miller a lot didn’t make me run back to him. Because I thought of Uncle Jim a lot too. And my mom. I loved them all. Of course I thought about them.
The only difference was that Miller was still alive. It wasn’t the same. I could go be with him. We could be happy together. I knew that deep down. And yet…I didn’t run back to him.
I didn’t know if I could promise someone else forever right now. I honestly wasn’t sure I ever could. So I needed to stay here. I needed to stay here and figure out what I really wanted. Because if I ever saw Miller again, it had to be because I really wanted him. And only him. Forever.
I pulled the sponge back out of the bucket and got back to work.
But there was a nagging thought in the back of my head now. I was okay with just being okay. I was fine with my conclusion that happiness was just a bonus. And yet…I’d been happy with Miller. Even in a cage I was happier with him than I was right now. I was free and…fine.
I knew for a fact that the last time I truly smiled, it had been with him. The last time I really laughed? The belly aching kind? It was with Miller.
Was our situation perfect? No. We weren’t even allowed to leave the house the last couple months we were together. But…I still smiled and laughed.
I could remember it clearly.
I could barely remember laughing with Matt anymore. And honestly looking back at our relationship? He may have made me cry a lot more than he made me laugh. I shed so many tears over that boy. I still shed tears over him. When he did make an appearance in my dreams, I’d wake up devastated. Like I’d just lost him all over again. It was still hard to believe that he’d moved on so easily. That I was truly so forgettable. But…I guess I was.
I wondered if Miller was okay with me gone too? If he was happily kissing some other girl. If he never really loved me either.
Those were the questions that made me stay here. Yes, I was trying to figure out what I wanted. But I think I was mostly scared that Miller had moved on easily too.
And my heart couldn’t take that.
I scrubbed the floor harder. Trying to rid the annoying thoughts from my mind.
I could have fun on my own. I was going to have fun tonight. With new friends. I nodded to myself as I scrubbed harder. I could be happy here on my own.
Chapter 26
Thursday
I stopped by a Goodwill on the way home from work. It took a little while, but I found something passable as chic on a budget.
I pulled on the summer dress and stared at my reflection in the chipped mirror in my bathroom. It wasn’t the right season for a summer dress, but I didn’t really care about that. I did care that it was a little shorter than I meant for it to be though. My legs were still tanned from summer and toned from my runs. And I didn’t want anyone staring at them. Or staring at me in general. I used to catch Miller staring at my legs sometimes. When we were curled up on the couch at night reading. I’d look up from my book and catch him staring at me. Although…I guess I’d been staring at him too.
I quickly pulled off the dress and tossed it on my bed. I didn’t want someone other than Miller staring at me. My chest suddenly hurt. I tried to rub away the pain as I pulled my worn jeans out of the hamper. They were casual and probably not at all what other people would be wearing at Barracuda. But I didn’t really care what other people were doing. I was going because I loved dancing. I would have been dancing right now as I cooked dinner anyway. At least this way I was socializing. I grabbed a clean tank top and my outfit was complete.
Before leaving, I pulled my hair up into a ponytail. Dancing with your hair down was for amateurs. My hair was more dirty blonde than brown now. I was pretty sure in a few weeks it would just be blonde again. It was going to be nice to look in the mirror and see myself again. Although my hollow cheeks kind of gave away that I wasn’t the same Brooklyn anymore.
I loved cooking, and I cooked dinner every night. But I couldn’t afford much. I ate a ton of food every morning at the diner because it was free. At night I usually made boxed pasta with a jarred sauce. Or peanut butter and jelly. That wasn’t much to dance about. Which was fine, because I was usually pretty tired after cleaning things all afternoon. I was tired right now. My bed was calling to me. But I wasn’t one to back out of plans. That felt as bad as backing out of a promise. And I wasn’t Matt.
I decided to walk down the beach instead of the street. I rolled up the bottom of my jeans so they wouldn’t get wet and held my Keds in my hand. It had been a long time since I’d worn my favorite shoes. They used to make me feel close to my mom. But now they were just a reminder of everything I’d lost. Her. My uncle. Matt.
They were still the cutest shoes I owned though. And they were perfect for dancing. I saw the neon lights of Barracuda and made my way up off the beach.
Heidi and Amelia were standing outside the club. There was a line stretched around the side of the building. They spotted me walking up from the beach and waved.
They were both in tiny dresses and heels so high I didn’t know how they weren’t falling over. And both of them had their hair down. Amateurs. How were they going to dance in those shoes? And their hair was going to get all sweaty on the back of their necks.
They were staring at me like I was the amateur though as I kicked the sand off my feet and pulled on my Keds. I unrolled the bottom of my jeans, even though I knew that wasn’t why they were shocked by my outfit. Their stares reminded me of how Isabella looked at me. Like I didn’t fit in. Like I would never belong.
“How are you guys?” I said.
I half expected them to ditch me.
Instead, Heidi smiled and looped her arm through mine. “Ready for the time of our lives.”
“Ready to make all the guys drool,” Amelia said and grabbed my hand and pulled us toward the doors.
“Don’t we have to go to the back of the line?” I asked.
“Psh. No. They’ll let us in. We’re hot.”
As we got closer to the doors, I realized that most of the people in line were men. Or couples. And Amelia was right. The bouncer lifted the red rope and let us in without blinking an eye. Well, he may have blinked a couple times at my ID.
I tried to stand up a little straighter. Please just let me in. I didn’t want to make a scene. I wasn’t even going to drink. I tended to make bad decisions when I drank.
The bouncer looked back and forth between me and my ID one more time and then handed it back. I breathed a sigh of relief and hurried through the doors behind Amelia and Heidi.
The music was loud. Ground shaking loud. The last party I’d been to had been at Matt’s house on Halloween. Barracuda wasn’t nearly as glamorous as that.