For them.
Her brown hair was longer than I’d ever seen it, blowing in the soft breeze. She was fuckin’ glowing. Pregnancy looked good on her. Gone was the young girl I’d turned away almost a decade ago, and in her place stood a mature, beautiful woman.
There was so much I wanted to say. So much I needed her to hear...
Beginning with, “I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
Words failed me.
I couldn’t get my lips to move.
The emotions running between us were high and hitting low, delivering blow after blow to my gut. Triggering memories that had held me captive since the second I pushed her outta my life.
I blinked, and the years of our friendship flew through our eyes.
“You’re my very best friend, Cash Motherfuckin’ McGraw. My very, very best friend.”
My core sank, my chest heaved, and I felt my face pale abruptly. I felt like my body was giving out on me. I tried to reel in the sensations that were ruthlessly tearing me apart.
Little by little.
Limb by limb.
Layer by layer.
I experienced agony no one should have to feel.
Deeper.
Firmer.
Over and over again.
“So what, Harley? You his girl now?”
“No. Yes. I don’t really know.”
With a solemn stare and my heart bleeding out for her, I watched our past unfold right in front of me.
“If he hurts you... If he breaks your heart, Harley, I’ll break his fuckin’ legs. Do you understand me?”
It was me. I was the one to hurt her in the end, and I’d been paying for it ever since.
She pulled away, peering into my eyes. “Just know that no matter what happens, I’m so damn proud of you.”
She was always there for me to show her support, her love. Her good fuckin’ heart continuously shined through all the ups and downs I put myself through. It was as if we were the only two people standing there. Drowning in a sea of emotions, not coming up for air. Not for one second. She sunk there right along with me.
She was still there. My girl was still there.
“Surprise!” she shouted, jumping into my arms. “Oh my God! I’m so proud of you! Do you see this crowd? All these people? Holy shit, Cash! This is the big league! You made it to the big leagues! You’re gonna get signed today! I just know it!”
I lost count of how many times I’d wished she was in the crowd, watching me perform like we were still kids and she was still my girl. It all came tumbling down, crushing us both.
The past.
The present.
The future we no longer had.
’Cuz of me.
“I don’t give a shit what you think you don’t need. Take a look around, Cash! I can’t keep lettin’ you live like this. This is probably why you never ask me to come visit.”
Tugging my long blond hair away from my face, I ignored her question and asked my own. “Why are you here?”
“I needed my best friend.”
I’d needed mine too. For years, I'd needed her.
Them.
Her and Bailey.
In another blink of an eye, it all came to a head. We were dragged back to the morning when we both woke up naked in my bed.
“Did we?”
“Harley, we were both black-out drunk. I can’t even answer that question, ’cuz I don’t remember shit. We killed a bottle of whiskey.”
“The last thing I remember is seein’ who could walk in a straight line, touchin’ the tip of our nose better.”
“Fuck.” I shook my head, baffled with the situation we found ourselves in. “I don’t even remember that.”
Which only led to the biggest mistake and regret of my entire life.
What drove me to drink.
The drugs.
The hatred I had for myself running through every last part of my being.
Nothing could shake this memory.
Nothing.
Not one damn thing.
Through Harley’s eyes, it played out before me like it was happening right then and there.
“Harley, take a look around. I can’t bring a baby into this world, and you’re still in school. We can’t be parents. This is never gonna work out between us. It ain’t fair.”
“Are you suggestin’ we give it up for—”
“No... I was thinkin’ maybe... I mean ... fuck,” I scoffed out. “I can’t even bring myself to say it.”
I ruined everything.
Our trust.
Our love.
Our devoted friendship no matter what.
“I’m sorry, Harley. I can’t be your hero this time.”
Tears pooled in her eyes, streaming down her face. She didn’t try to hide them from me. Proving how bad I still fucked her up.
I was no good for no one.
The tormented expression on her face was a permanent reminder of the destruction I’d caused in her life. Destroying her the moment I decided not to be part of it anymore.
Her lips trembled. “How could you come here, Cash? How dare you come here?”
The pain laced in her tone of voice was like a dagger to my fuckin’ heart.
Clearing my throat, I looked away. I had to. I hid behind the pain in my tears that I tried desperately to blink away. I peered down at the ground, tugging my hair out of my face and slowly backed off. There was nothing left for me to say. I needed to get the hell outta there.
Abruptly turning on my heels, I made my way toward the limo. It wasn’t until I heard Journey’s steps behind me that I spun around.
“No.” I stopped her.
“No?” She jerked back.
“Journey! Get your ass over here! NOW!” Jackson shouted.
Out of the corner of my eyes, dirty blonde hair caught my attention through the bay window of their house.
Bailey.
The dagger wedged in my heart was twisting, refusing to let me go.
She was dancing around, wearing a pink puffy dress. In all my life, I’d never seen anything more beautiful than her. My baby girl was breathtaking. The last time I saw her was the Super Bowl interview five years ago. I’d never been this close to her, yet so fuckin’ far away at the same time.
The sadness, the despair, the pain unbearable, merciless and never-ending. It swallowed me whole. I couldn’t breathe, gasping for my next breath that Bailey was denying me without even knowing it.
“Journey! I won’t say it again! You get your ass back here right now! Or I swear to God, I’ll drag you back here if I have to!”
“Momma! Daddy! Are you out there?!” Bailey shouted, running toward the front door.
Everyone’s stares widened, and I didn’t think twice about it. I got the fuck outta there, hauling ass into the limo.
“Auntie Naynay!” Bailey hollered as I slammed the door behind me.
“Go!” I ordered the driver. “Now!”
My body moved on its own accord, lunging right for the bottle of Jack. ’Cuz at the end of the day...
Whiskey was the only thing I had.
Chapter 8
“When I think too much, I drink. When I drink too much, I think. When I need an escape, I drink and think my life away.”
-David Bowie
<>Journey<>
Bailey ran into my arms.
“Hey, sweet girl!” I celebrated, pretending like my heart wasn’t breaking, and I wasn’t going to chew my brother out.