A voice shoots through my mind, one I know so well. One that doesn’t exist anymore.
“My brother isn’t normal. Stay away from him, Gwen. Okay?”
As if a bucket of ice is dropped on me, I cry out and scramble away, the tingles and fire now doused. Nathan instantly releases me; not that he had a chance to grip me as my action was rather sudden. I sit on the floor looking at his flushed face and wild brown eyes. They come to me and his hand reaches out, beckoning me to come back and finish what we just started.
“No,” I say, my head shaking back and forth frantically.
He sits back, his legs bent in front of him, his hands resting on the curves of his knees. We both stare at each other for a long while, the heavy rise and fall of our chests synchronised.
What just happened?
I daren’t ask him why he’s doing this, mostly because I’m afraid of the answer.
“Gwen,” he says calmly and stands slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. Placing his hand in the air, he waits for me to take it. I don’t, I daren’t risk it right now. I’m aching in places I shouldn’t. I don’t trust my body. I don’t trust him to not continue whatever it was that made my body so delirious with need.
“Here.” I lower my eyes and rush into my closet. Hiding under a few folded bed sheets is the journal I bought for him. My hands smooth the parcel paper as I walk back towards him, chewing on my lip nervously. “It’s not much, nothing in comparison to what you’ve done for me.” I wasn’t going to give it to him yet but it seems like an okay distraction for now.
He stares at me with a frown. “You don’t have to give me anything.”
“I want to, it’s what friends do.” I add this last bit giving him an imploring look. See reason, please see reason.
Dilated pupils stare intently at my face as I look away. His hands take the gift from mine and slowly peel away the paper. I hope he likes it, truly I do.
The silence stretches between us as the journal finally comes into view. He looks from the leather bound book to me and then back again. His hands turn it over before stroking it to feel the patterned grooves that make the cover.
“This is wonderful,” he says sincerely. “You said you got this from the book store in town?”
“Yes, it caught my eye and I immediately thought of you.”
He smiles at me, his cheekbones turning slightly pink. “Thank you.”
I wave him off. “Don’t thank me.”
His teeth sink into his lip as he looks at me. “Gwen.”
We’re both startled by a loud bang from across the hall. He sighs deeply and I watch as his lips pinch together with frustration.
“I should go and check on the decorators.” His tongue teases his lower lip. “We’ll go out to eat. The stench of paint is irritating me.”
I smile fondly. “Everything irritates you.”
“Of course.” He grins and touches my cheek with his thumb. I shy away instantly but he doesn’t seem offended. “Get ready.”
“Okay.” I scuff my sock on the ground, praying that his intense gaze lingers on me no longer.
“Fifteen minutes, Guinevere.” He says my name quietly, like a gentle caress on my skin, before leaving the room completely.
Caleb’s eyes catch me from my bedside table. I stare at him for a long time, imagining his eyes glaring at me with accusation.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, desperate for him to believe that it was nothing more than a moment of weakness and Nathan is nothing more than a friend. He doesn’t believe me, I can feel it.
But it’s true.
Whoa, dizzy. Strange.
Must be my low blood pressure. My eyes just turned black for a moment there. I need to stop stressing myself out over little things, it isn’t healthy. Caleb isn’t here and he’s not coming back.
Even though I know I’ll never let him go, I need to stop trying to run all of my decisions past him first. He’s not here to answer me and I’m twisting what his answers would be in my mind to make myself feel worse.
I deserve it, I deserve to feel worse.
We enjoy a quiet dinner at a restaurant out of town. Nathan doesn’t say much and neither do I. There’s not much to say.
I spend the entire time looking at everything but him. It’s really awkward so I’m relieved when my phone rings.
“Hello?” I answer, turning away from Nathan to give myself some semblance of privacy.
“I messed up.” It’s my mum. What? “I should never have sent you away. I was just so angry and disappointed.”
“Okay.” I move away from Nathan and his hand comes out and snags my wrist. Placing my hand over the speaker I turn to him. “I’ll be one minute.”
“Who is it?” He asks, making me quirk a brow.
I walk away without responding and step into the cold air.
“Where are you?” She asks on a sniff.
“I’ve travelled south for the winter,” I respond and clear my throat. “I’m staying with a friend.”
She lets out a long breath. “I want you to come home.”
“Home?”
“Yeah, I want to be there for my grandbaby and my first baby. I know… I screwed up, but I want to make it up to you.”
I shift nervously on the spot, placing my finger in my other ear to stop the wind from distorting my ability to hear her. “Why the change of heart?”
“I’ve had some time to calm down and think about it.”
“You’ve had some time to calm down and think about it?” I scoff.
“I know what I did was wrong…”
A harsh laugh escapes me. “You’re my mother. You abandoned me when I needed you more than ever.”
“I…”
“And suddenly you want back in? Two months later? When you’ve had no contact?”
She remains silent for a long moment. I watch the occasional car blur by and move out of the way of people walking past. “I’m sorry. I know how awful I’ve been. I just never wanted this life for you.”
“Hmm, I didn’t notice,” I remark sarcastically.
“Yet I’ve given you the same life that my parents gave me when I was faced with this. I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I’m not…” I look through the window and catch a glimpse of Nathan. He’s cleaning his phone with hand sanitiser and a pocket tissue. I smile warmly at the display. “Alone.”
“Good,” she sniffs. “I’ll work for it, for you. I miss you. I’m sorry.”
“I have to go.”
“Please consider coming home. I miss you. I want to be there for you. I’ll be better.”
“Well, I’m glad you’ve come around,” I say and look through the window again, noticing Nathan’s curious eyes on me. “I’ll have to let you know if I’m coming home. I’m… it’s complicated.”
“Can I at least come and see you?”
Can she? Do I want her to?
She is my mum. Gah, this is so frustrating. I want to hate her for what she’s done but the thought of my baby having a stable, loving grandmother in their life overrides my need to hate her. I just don’t have the emotional capacity to hate her right now. “Sure. Just let me sort a few things first.”