With shaking hands, I put her in her car seat and grabbed the diaper bag, rushing down the stairs to head to the ER, constantly talking and soothing her the whole time. Not that she could hear me over her cries.
When I pulled into the ER, they took my information and surprisingly had an empty room, so we got checked in immediately. They’d run a slew of tests and Audrey slept as we waited for the results.
With the lights dim, and Audrey’s wheezing cough the only sound in the room, all the adrenaline rushed from my body and the tears I’d been holding back came. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried as much as I had in the past two days.
I was tired—drained and exhausted—and I didn’t want to do this alone.
It was three in the morning, and I knew he might not pick up, but I had to try.
“Hello?”
Ian’s sleep roughened voice only made the tears come harder.
“Carina? Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Ian.” I barely got his name out.
“Please talk to me. Please. Where are you?”
I could hear the panic in his voice, and I took a deep breath, trying to calm down.
“Audrey’s cough was really bad, and she woke up with a fever. I tried to get it down, but it just got higher. And she was so upset.”
“Carina, where are you?”
“Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. They’re waiting for test results. I just…I need you.”
“I’m on my way. Hang in there, baby. I’ll be there as fast as I can.”
“Okay. Thank you, Ian.”
Just knowing he was on his way calmed me more than I thought possible. And when he finally made it, walking through the door, I didn’t hesitate to throw myself in his arms, feeling like I could breathe for the first time.
“Thank you. Thank you,” I whispered over and over again.
He leaned back and cradled my face in his palms, wiping tears away from my cheeks. “I’m here now. Okay. We’ve got this. You’re not alone.”
I couldn’t get words past the lump in my throat, so I settled on nodding. He walked over to where Audrey slept in her little baby bed, just staring, so he didn’t wake her up.
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah. We’re just waiting for the doctor to come in and tell us what’s wrong.”
He pulled me into his arms again and held me up when I was sure I’d crumble.
"Ian,” I mumbled into his chest. “I thought I could do this alone, but I can’t. I need you with me to do this. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m not strong enough to do it without you.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked above me, stroking my hair. “You’re Carina freaking Russo, ruler of them all. You don’t need me. I’m just here to look pretty.”
Somehow, I managed a choked laugh and held on tighter, finding strength in his arms. “Thank you, Ian. You always make me laugh.”
“I’ll remind you of that the next time you roll your eyes at my jokes.” He tugged my hair until I was looking up into his silver eyes. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
He pressed a soft kiss to the crown of my head and shifted us to sit in the two chairs against the wall. We didn’t say anything while we waited. Just sat there, holding hands, being each other’s lifelines.
When the doctor came back in, he let us know she had Respiratory Syncytial Virus. He said her oxygen levels were low and she was dehydrated. A nurse came in to give her an IV of fluid, which took seven tries. I held her hand in mine and Ian held me, both of us being strong for our little girl.
By the time we had everything hooked up and monitoring her, the sun was coming up.
“Why don’t you get some sleep,” Ian suggested, rubbing my back.
“No. I want to be awake if she needs me.”
“You’ll be right here the whole time. Just rest your eyes. I’ll take care of you both for now.”
Tears glossed my eyes again and I managed a jerky nod, before leaning in to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Thank you.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else but with you.”
29 Ian
By the time we walk into our apartment two days later, I could have collapsed in gratitude, falling to my floor and promising to never leave it again. Staying in hospitals was the worst. Staying in a hospital because the center of your world is sick, is epically horrible.
“Oh, thank God,” Carina sighed, setting the car seat down by the couch and collapsing back.
I’d tried to get her to leave to shower and sleep in a real bed, but she refused to leave Audrey’s side. It was the longest two days of my life watching her hooked up to machines. But in the end, it was worth it because now we were back home. Audrey had a little cough and some congestion but was eating and overall a much happier baby.
It was good to see both my girls smiling again.
“I’m going to feed her and then put her to sleep.”
“Sounds good. I’ll order some dinner. Burgers?”
“Ew. No. That Italian place on the corner would be great.”
Huffing a laugh, I pulled out the menu and ordered. Who knew I’d find such pleasure in Carina correcting my choices. When the food was ordered, I walked back to the living room, finding Audrey latched on like she hadn’t ever eaten a day in her life.
“I don’t think I’ll ever not find that the most beautiful thing.”
Carina smiled up at me and then back down to Audrey, stroking her fat baby cheek.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong. I seriously miss kissing and playing with your breasts, but I guess I can share.”
She rolled her eyes, and it sank into my chest, expanding my heart like she’d told me she loved me. It was her way of caring. If she really didn’t care about you, she wouldn’t react, but each eye roll was its own confession.
We hadn’t talked about us when we were in the hospital. There were still so many unspoken decisions to be made, but for the first time since I watched her walk out my door, I felt like things were truly going to be okay. It hadn’t been the time to dive into the words that needed to be said—the apologies needed to be heard. No, we’d been each other’s rocks—our life rafts with each passing day in the hospital. It was like a truce had been made, but now that we were home, that truce would only last so long.
Once she’d finished feeding, I offered to change Audrey and put her to bed. Carina must have been tired because she let me without a fight. I was sure she’d stay glued to our baby’s side for the next year, at least, to make sure she was okay.
When I came out of the guest room where I assumed Carina would be sleeping for a while, the bags of food were on the table, but Carina was nowhere to be found.
“Carina?”
I checked the kitchen, but it was empty. I finally found her laid out on our bed, asleep on top of the covers with her shoes still on. I could’ve stared at her forever, remembering the fear I had a few days ago that I’d never see her in our bed again.
Moving quietly, I slipped her shoes off and grabbed a blanket from the closet, pulling it over her. Then I climbed in beside her.
I must have dozed because it was dark by the time I woke and Carina was fully tucked into my chest, the hot puffs of her breath hitting my neck. Unable to help myself, I brushed my fingers through her hair and shifted back enough to press a kiss to her forehead.