Oh, shit.
Warning bells rang like sirens in my head. They all sounded a lot like Carina telling me I told you so. She was right, and I was fucking dumb.
I stood from my chair, needing to move and approach this with care. This was Hanna. I couldn’t brush it off from behind my desk.
I made it around, standing only a few feet from her. “Hanna, you don’t—”
“I love you,” she said, halting me in my tracks. She looked up at me, her eyes wet, and my heart broke. “I’ve loved you for so long, and I didn’t think I could ever love anyone. I didn’t think I’d ever feel anything like this. Not after what happened. Not after losing Sophie.”
Each word dropped like a landmine between us. Each word twisted like a vice around my lungs, squeezing them tighter and tighter until I was sure I couldn’t suck in another breath.
“Hanna,” I breathed. “Shit—Carina…”
My body ached with thoughts of how this conversation would end. There was no good way out of it, and it terrified me to hurt her.
“I—I know,” she admitted before swallowing hard. Her cheeks burned red hot, and I hated everything about this situation. “But you need to know how I feel. Know that there’s someone else who loves you—who’s always loved you.”
“God, Hanna. You know I love you—”
Her trembling hands moved with purpose, undoing the sash around her coat before tugging it open to reveal barely-there black lingerie.
Shooting my eyes to the ceiling, I took the last step toward her, and tried to close the coat, only succeeding in pulling her closer. Her bare skin brushed my hands and I cringed because this was Hanna—the girl who’d been like my baby sister almost all my life.
“I l-love you, Ian.” I could hear the tears in her voice, and it pierced at my heart. She pressed close, trapping my hands between us, her hands sliding around my neck and pulling me down to kiss me.
Her lips landed at the corner of my mouth, and I broke my hands free, gripping her hips to push her back.
Movement over Hanna’s shoulder had me freezing, allowing Hanna to step closer and rub against me, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to my neck.
“Carina…”
Her wide eyes filling with tears unlocked my muscles, and I pushed Hanna back, but it was too late.
She stood there with a paper bag of food in her hands. The other pressed to her chest like she was trying to hold her heart together. Time stood still, slowing down so I could memorialize the biggest mistake of my life. So I could always look back and remember the time I fucked up and lost the best thing I’d ever had.
Her chest heaved like she was barely holding back sobs, her mouth open over her broken breaths. But then, her eyes slid closed, two tracks of tears sliding down her cheeks and it was like that was it for her—a switch was flipped.
“Oh, my god,” Hanna gasped, jerking her coat closed. “I-I’m s-so sorry, Carina. I’m so sorry.”
Carina’s mouth slammed shut, her jaw clenched, and when she opened her eyes again, they were filled with fire. She pulled her shoulders back, dropping the bag before turning and bolting.
“Ian, I’m so sorry.” Hanna’s tear-filled voice broke through the shock. “I didn’t think. It was impulsive, and stupid and I’m so sorry.”
I looked down at the girl who I would always care for—who I’d always look out for, and who I hated to leave like this.
But the love of my life had just run out, and I couldn’t let her get far without her knowing it wasn’t what it looked like. I couldn’t let her lock her heart away before I could fall to my knees and apologize for not believing her—for not taking her concerns seriously.
“I have to go.”
I ran out of my office, but the elevator was already closed and going down. The door to the stairs slammed against the wall, echoing down the twenty flights. Somehow, I managed to make it to the bottom without breaking anything, but I didn’t manage to get there in time. All the elevators were headed back up, and Carina was nowhere in sight.
“Fuck,” I shouted, burying my hands in my hair. “Think, Ian.”
I needed to get home. Everything she had was at my place. She’d have to go there first before running. God, I hoped she didn’t run.
My skin vibrated like a live wire, adrenaline making me twitchy as I waited for the elevator. When the doors started opening on my floor, I didn’t even let them fully open before running to my office. I held on to my doorframe and swung inside, coming up short at finding Jared leaning against my desk, arms crossed.
“I had to drop off some papers,” he explained, nodding to the new files on my desk.
“I don’t know what you saw, but it’s not what you think,” I shot off, moving past him to grab my jacket and keys.
“I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole,” he said, holding his hands up. “But you better hope Erik never finds out his little sister left your office crying in a half-done-up coat with her lingerie showing.”
“Shut up, Jared,” I growled, shoving past him. I didn’t have time to explain myself and didn’t owe him one either.
I needed to get to Carina.
Carina
Standing outside our apartment door, I swiped at the tears that wouldn’t quit and took a deep breath. There was no way I was hiding that something was wrong. I just needed to convince my Aunt Vivian that I was okay enough for her to leave. I couldn’t talk to anyone yet. I needed to get inside, pack up me, and Audrey and get out before Ian came home.
“Carina, baby. What’s wrong?” my aunt asked as soon as I stepped in.
“I—I can’t talk about it. Please,” I choked out. “I just ne—need some space.”
“Sweetie, I’m worried,” she said, pulling me into her arms.
“I know, and I understand, but I just need some time. Thank you so much for coming to watch Audrey for me.”
She scanned my face, her frown sinking lower, but seeing my stubbornness and knowing she wouldn’t get anything from me tonight. “You know I’m here for whatever you need.”
The lump in my throat prevented me from responding, so I nodded instead.
“Audrey’s asleep in her rocker.”
“Thank you.”
She pulled me in for a hug, and more tears slipped free. Vivian wiped them away and pressed a kiss to my forehead and left.
Standing in the middle of the apartment, I looked around at the happy little life we’d created. It took everything in me to not scream and tear it all down—destroy every inch of the lie.
God, walking in there and seeing her in his arms, her lips against his neck, his hands on her hips barely clad in anything, hearing them say they loved each other, all of it had my head pounding. It swirled like chaos until I wasn’t sure what was real and what was false. Half of me was picturing things so much worse than what was in front of me, conjuring the worst, wondering how long they’d been fooling around behind my back. My mind screaming that this was what I would always have. I would always come last. There would always be another better than me.
The stupid, hopeful part of me prayed for a rational explanation, wondered if I imagined Ian pulling away. Maybe he hadn’t been cheating. Maybe it was just a mistake.