“Carina, I still love you. Jackson and I both love you. You know that, right? That what we shared together wasn’t a lie?”
His deep voice rang with passion, and I knew he meant every word. Deep down, past the hurt, I knew we all had cared deeply for each other. But this thing with Ian was wearing me down and putting cracks in things I thought were whole.
I swallowed the lump in my throat before answering. “I do, and I know why it didn’t work out. I’m just...having a moment.”
“You’re allowed those, and you don’t take enough for yourself.” He leaned his hip against the edge of my desk and stared down with his assessing look. I tried to lift my chin higher and pull my shoulders back, afraid of what he might find behind the exterior. “Is this about Ian?”
And just like that, the thin shell I’d been using to support myself cracked, and Jake became a blurry figure. Once the dam had one small fracture, it shattered, and all came pouring out.
Jake reached me just as the first sob broke free. I tried to cover my face, ashamed to be crying so openly in my ex-fiancé’s arms. I could only imagine if my dad came in right now. He’d proclaim he told me so—that women were too weak and cried in the office over trivial things.
But Jake didn’t say anything, he held me close and let me bury my head against his chest and let loose everything I’d been holding in the past twenty-four hours. He rubbed his hand over my hair and whispered that it was all okay. My whole body shook with each cry that wracked through me, and it seemed to go on forever, sapping my energy until there was nothing left.
Finally expelling every last tear I had, I was down to a few sniffs, trying to wipe at my cheeks like nothing happened.
Jake continued to rub my back and hold me close. This was the reason I forgave him for what he did to us. This was the reason I decided our friendship was more important than our mistakes. Because no matter what, he was there for me without judgment. He was my best friend.
“I’m sorry,” I said with my soggy voice. “My hormones are still kind of crazy.”
Jake held my face in his hands and gave the same comforting smile he’d given me when I broke up with my boyfriend in high school. “No need to apologize. You don’t always have to be the strongest one in the room.”
“I know, but I want to be.”
He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No…not really.”
“Okay.” He stepped back but kept his hands on my upper arms as if I would crumble at any moment. “If you change your mind, I’m a phone call away. And if you need to laugh, I’ll put Jackson on.”
Just the thought of Jackson trying to cheer me up brought a small laugh out. “Okay. Thank you, Jake.”
“Anytime. Why don’t you head home and spend the day with that beautiful baby? She’ll cheer you up.”
“You know what? I think I will.”
Spending the day with Audrey was exactly what I needed. Her little giggles and chunky legs that were always kicking made me feel lighter. Made the ache distant and less.
At least until she was asleep, and my phone vibrated with a message from Ian.
Ian: I said I’d give you space and I am, but I haven’t heard from you all day. Is everything okay? Is Audrey doing okay? How’s her cough?
Audrey’s cough from last week still lingered, it would fade and then come back, and my chest squeezed at his concern, reminding me he really was a good man. Just a good man, I couldn’t see yet.
Me: Everything is fine. We’re staying at my dad’s for now.
It was a lie, but I couldn’t have him showing up at the apartment just yet. I still needed space to think everything through.
Me: I’m sorry I didn’t message sooner. I just… I need time.
Me: I’ll call tomorrow, and we’ll figure something out with Audrey so you can see her.
I quickly snapped a pic of her sleeping and sent it to him before putting my phone on airplane mode, leaving it on the coffee table. Ian always knew what to say to me, and I didn’t want to be tempted to do something I wasn’t ready for.
My heart jerked in my chest when a knock at the door came ten minutes later.
Shit. He’d promised he would give me space—he promised he wouldn’t push it.
I stood on shaky limbs and made my way to the door like a bomb waited for me on the other side. Each step had my muscles pulling tighter and tighter until I was sure I’d snap. Leaning in quietly to hold up the ruse I wasn’t there in case it was him. I checked through the peephole and found a dark head of hair and an easy smile.
Just not Ian’s.
This one had salt in his hair and wrinkles around his eyes.
I opened the door to a smiling Kent. “Surprise.”
Not that I wasn’t happy to see him, but Kent had never been to my place before. We’d all formed a friendship, but it rarely went outside of meetings and drinks afterward.
At my hesitant stare, he explained. “Jake told Daniel and Daniel told me. I come bearing gifts,” he said joyously, holding up a bottle of expensive bourbon.
“I can’t drink,” I said with a deadpanned stare.
His brows furrowed and he looked to the bottle before back at me, confused. “Can’t you like…pump and dump or something?” he asked, gesturing to my chest with the bottle.
His concern that I couldn’t drink, and his solution had a laugh breaking free I didn’t know I was capable of. It hurt my face to form a smile and my chest to shake with anything other than tears.
But it also felt really good.
For the first time, I saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel—that maybe it would be okay eventually. I was damaged, but not broken.
Shaking my head, I stepped aside and let him in. He held up a grocery bag in his other hand once the door was closed. “Good thing I brought ice cream. Now, let’s watch chick flicks and cry together. Olivia told me it’s the female heartbreak survival kit.”
Another laugh, and it hurt less this time.
He brought out a few more laughs through the night, each one coming easier than the last. It was nice not to feel alone like I had the night before. It was a nice reminder that I had more friends than I realized.
It was all nice…but it wasn’t Ian.
28 Ian
With a deep breath, I prepared myself to do what I should have done last week. What I should have done as soon as Carina brought it up with me.
I rapped my knuckles on Hanna’s open door and tried to appear like my heart wasn’t thundering in my chest. Her wince of regret upon finding me standing there made me realize one of us needed to hold it together.
“Please don’t, Ian.” She kept her gaze locked on the paper on her desk, her jaw clenched.
The big brother part of me didn’t want to cause her any more pain than she’d been through and urged me to step back and abide by her wishes, but even if Carina wasn’t my driving force for being there, we needed to talk.
“Hanna, you’re my family. We need to talk about this.”
“Here’s a better idea: we never talk about this.”