That side of myself got crushed to oblivion under the negative doubt.
I was still standing in the middle of the apartment when Ian stormed in, the door slamming against the wall.
He looked at me with frantic eyes and almost sagged to the floor in relief at finding me there.
“Oh, thank God. You’re still here.”
“I’m getting ready to pack, and we’re leaving.”
He shut the door and walked toward me slowly with his hands held up like he was approaching a rabid animal. “It’s not what it looked like.”
Anger at his lame excuse flooded me. For a moment, I almost laughed at how different I was in the face of Ian’s betrayal than I’d been with Jake’s. When I’d confronted Jake, it had hurt, but we’d separated with understanding. With Ian, it was a soul-deep pain. I wanted him to feel right along with me. I wanted him to hurt more than me. There was no understanding, just rage. “How fucking original, Ian,” I growled at him.
“I know. It sounds cliché, but it’s true. She came in and confessed her feelings, and when I tried to explain myself to her, she just pushed on. I had no idea what she planned to do. I was shocked. I pushed her away, Carina. Nothing happened. I promise.”
He stepped closer still, and I stood my ground, not giving in to running into his arms so he could soothe me and tell me it would all be okay.
“I’m sorry, Carina. I didn’t know what to do.”
“How about talking to her like you promised me you would.” My voice cracked on the last word. Finding Hanna there almost naked in his arms was only half the betrayal. He’d told me he’d talk to her, but he was just placating the crazy woman and her baggage. “You were supposed to let her down easy before it got to her stripping for you.”
“There’s no letting her down softly without doing damage.”
“You just talk to her, Ian.”
“It’s not that easy,” he said through a clenched jaw.
I closed the distance between us, stepping into his personal space. “That’s the thing,” I whispered. “It is that fucking easy.”
He winced and growled his frustration, spinning away before turning back to face me, resignation marring his beautiful face. “Hanna and Sophie were sold into sex slavery for months before Erik could find them. Hanna was the only one to make it back home alive.”
I stumbled back, his confession splashing over me like a bucket of ice water, sapping the fight from my body.
Holy shit.
Sold.
Sex slavery.
Hanna.
The words floated around, but they couldn’t form a coherent understanding. That was something that you heard about but never had to face in reality. I pictured Hanna, a strong, bold woman in the boardroom, and struggled to mesh her with what he just confessed.
But then I saw her in Ian’s arms, declaring her love and throwing herself at him. I saw the woman who cornered me in the kitchen trying to make me feel insecure and small.
I understood how Ian struggled to talk to her—how maybe she was more fragile than most, but it didn’t excuse what had happened. It didn’t take away the damage and pain.
He should have listened to me. He should have supported me and done what he’d promised.
“I’m sorry that happened, but you should have trusted me when I told you. I needed you to trust me when I told you what I knew. Not laugh in my face.”
“I know,” Ian choked out, his eyes glassy. “I’m so sorry, Carina.”
I knew he was, but I couldn’t keep looking at him right then. I couldn’t say it was fine and move about the apartment like normal.
I wiped my eyes and tried to stand tall. “I need space.”
“Do you want to move back into the guest room?”
“No, Ian. I need to be alone. I don’t want to be in this apartment. I don’t want to be around you.”
I hated his wince—hated knowing I was hurting him, but in that moment, all that mattered was getting through this.
“What about Audrey?”
“I’ll take her with me.”
“Carina—”
“Please, Ian,” I begged. “I just need a little space to think. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
He searched my face and swallowed a few times before finally nodding. “Okay.”
Ian sat with Audrey while I packed a bag for both of us. He kissed her goodbye and winced when I pulled back from any contact with him. I couldn’t feel his touch—I’d crumble.
It didn’t take long to settle into my old apartment. Most of my stuff was still there since Ian already had furniture. At the time we’d held on to the space to finish out my lease. I had no idea that I’d need it to come back to when it all fell apart.
Gripping my phone in my hand, I thought about calling someone, asking them to come be by my side. But when I scrolled through my contacts, I realized I didn’t have any girlfriends to help me through this. The past two years had consisted of me throwing myself into work and keeping everyone at a distance.
Then I’d relied on Ian—he was everything I’d needed.
Now, I sat here in a mostly empty apartment, back where I started.
Alone.
27 Carina
Aunt Vivian gave me a skeptical look the next morning when I dropped Audrey off before work. Thankfully, she didn’t ask any prying questions about my swollen, puffy eyes. She knew me well enough to let me process, and I’d explain in time.
I thought work would be a good distraction from the mess my life was currently in. That tactic had worked when Jake and I broke up. I’d buried myself in contracts and clients, and it had blocked out the hurt. Now, I sat with my hands frozen over my keyboard, staring blankly at my computer screen that had long faded to black.
I just couldn’t get my mind to stop reeling.
Would I always be in this situation? The girl that got cheated on.
No, Ian hadn’t cheated. I believed him when he said Hanna had pursued him and he’d put a stop to it. But would I be the girl who was always an extra, the one who didn’t come first. Ian had been so concerned about Hanna’s feelings that he’d completely dismissed mine, deceiving me into believing he’d talk to her.
The biggest, most daunting question was if Ian and I could get past this.
Did I want to?
Yes.
That answer came through loud and clear. I loved him. I loved our family. But maybe I was the only one. Maybe he didn’t love me in return. Maybe he was only in it for Audrey.
“Carina.”
My name jerked me out of my thoughts, and I looked over to find Jake standing at my door, brows drawn together.
“Hey. What’s up?” I tried to give an aloof tone, but it was too high-pitched, and Jake knew me too well.
“I called your name a couple times.”
“Sorry,” I laughed at myself, but it came out choked. “I was just lost in thought.”
“You okay?”
Maybe it was the concern and sincerity behind his question. Maybe because it was Jake and he was the closest thing I had to a best friend. I didn’t know, but the next words out of my mouth shocked us both. “Did you love me?”
He blinked a few times, his mouth opening and closing like a fish before he ran a hand over his face and closed the door, walking deeper into my office.