“I screwed up, Mum and I don’t know what to do. Alannah won’t give me the time of day to talk, and I mean really talk. I don’t want to argue with her but everything turns into a fight. How do I get her to listen, to give me a chance to prove I’m not that person? I want them back, I want them home and to be a family.”
“The only thing I can suggest is time. Give her time, show her what an amazing father you can be and don’t pressure her. This can’t and won’t be a quick fix. If it’s meant to be it will find a way to work itself out. Why did you never tell me the truth? When it all first happened before it got out of control, we could have sorted it all out back then, you are too stubborn for your own good, Nicholas, always thinking you’re right and refusing to listen to anyone.” She’s correct. I allowed pride to get in the way. How dare one girl make a fool of Nicholas Moore? It turns out the fool was me. I’m not sure if time is going to make any difference here.
“I know. I thought I knew the truth. I was too proud that I didn’t want everyone knowing that she had made me look like an idiot. I was so sure she had been unfaithful and embarrassed to admit it. It was easier to say nothing and not deal with it. I was such an idiot and couldn’t have been more wrong.” She lifts her hands higher up to cup my face, holding me in place.
“I feel as if not only did I lose Alannah and precious time with my grandchild but also you, Nicholas, you have spent so much time away from us and in London. We didn’t see you for over a whole year. You were overseas and refused to come home. Why?”
The pain reflected back to me in her eyes is agonising except I can’t tell her. I wish I could and one day I will but Alannah needs to be the first to know the reason I took so long to go to her. If she ever allows me to be in a room with her for more than five minutes.
“It was easier to stay away where there were no memories everywhere I turned. I tried to hate her and forget about her but I couldn’t and then when the doctor dropped the bomb of the reversal on me, well I hated myself. I thought about her all the time. I still love her and she can’t stand to look at me.”
I didn’t exactly lie to my mother just now, only omitted certain aspects. I get up and walk across to the bar in the corner of my office to pour myself a strong drink. I offer mother one but she declines. I slug it down quickly then return to the couch.
“That’s not true, she loved you once too and your daughter is a reminder of that love. Why did you keep the fact you had such a procedure a secret?”
“Because it was personal and I’m not father material, at least I thought I wasn’t. You know my history mother, what could I possibly have to offer a child and with the chance of that condition it was for the best. I have so much to make up for. I lied to Alannah and kept things from her on top of the accusations I threw at her. I don’t deserve her forgiveness.”
“Do you know if Charlotte is healthy?” I really hope so.
“She has a doctor’s appointment this week to find out. I’m going to fly out to be there. I’m scared, what if I can’t fix things and she never gives me another chance. What do I do then?” She gets a look of determination on her face.
“Are you going to give up because it’s too hard? Yes, I said to give her time but no matter how long it takes be persistent, if that is what you truly want. Eventually woo her, wear her down, show her what she means to you.”
I can do that.
“Thanks, Mum.”
“Do you have a picture of her?” I stand once again to pick up the framed photo I placed of Charlotte on my desk and hand it over to my mother who gasps and begins crying.
“She’s precious, so beautiful. Look at those eyes. When can I meet her?” I stick my hands in my pockets and shrug my shoulders.
“I’ll talk to Alannah about organising it. Soon, I promise, I just don’t want to rush her or overwhelm Charlotte with so many new people.”
“I understand sweetheart, please let her know we’re not angry with her if that will help. I’m glad we talked. I’m here for you, for anything you may need.” She stands up, smoothing her grey pants down with her hands. “Now, I’ll let you get back to your day.”
I walk out with her to the elevator. She has a point. I don’t give up and always go after what I want. I’m going to fight for them and the life we should have but first I need to get rid of that douchebag.
Thursday morning I’m on a plane and in the air as early as possible to get there in time for Charlotte’s appointment. I try to get through some emails but I’m too anxious to concentrate. I left Wade behind this time since the investigator is still there and meeting me at the airport to give me an update and drive me over.
I walk in through the automatic entrance doors and ask reception for directions to the appropriate wing of the hospital. With quick strides along the corridor I make my way to them with the strong smell of disinfectant wafting into my nose. I hate hospitals with a passion and hope to never have to spend a lot of time in them ever again. As soon as I turn the corner I see them coming out of an office with who I assume to be the doctor they’re seeing.
Charlotte runs to me and I swing her up into my arms. It’s good to see her in the flesh again and hold her. When I look at Alannah all that comes to mind is that stupid fucking photo which was emailed to me and I see red again. Now is not the time and place to think about it. I do the only thing I can and turn away from her to follow the doctor while carrying my little girl.
We’re both sitting on stupid fucking uncomfortable plastic chairs in one of the examination rooms. It’s so awkward. Alannah has barely acknowledged that I’m right here beside her. First Charlotte was taken to have an x-ray of her chest followed by a simple physical exam where the doctor listened to her heart. Now she’s on a miniature treadmill hooked up to an ECG machine while we wait for the x-ray results to come back. She thinks it’s a game trying to run as fast as she can to make the numbers on the display go higher. She’s been so great with everything so far. It helps that the doctor seems to be good with kids and explains everything to her in a way she can understand.
The nerves are radiating off Alannah, she has her hands clasped tightly together in her lap with her right leg bouncing up and down. I cover her hands with one of mine in order to try and bring her some comfort if she’s willing to accept it.
“Try not to worry and think positively. I know it’s easier said than done, and if the worst happens and she does have it then we will do all we can to help her and to understand it. She can still live a normal life with medication and not let this affect her. It doesn’t have to mean that things have to drastically change. I’m sorry I’m putting us through this.” She moves her hands away and my heart sinks.
“Please don’t.”
I take my hand back blowing out a breath. She can be so frustrating.
“Alannah-”
“Thank you for coming today by the way. Charlotte is happy to see you.” She interrupts me. What about you?
“Of course I would be here. This is more important than anything else.”
We have so many issues to resolve, like the money, but where do we start, although I’m not stupid enough to bring that up today.