“The other thing I wanted to say is, I realise you’re angry about the money I deposited in your account and yes, perhaps I should have spoken to you about it first but you would have told me you didn’t want it.” She turns in her chair to face me, a look of determination coming over her.
“You’re right I would have. All this time I got by, it’s not money I needed, I needed help, from you, yes I had my mother and I’m grateful for it but it wasn’t the same thing. Do you think you can pay your way out of your mistakes because that’s how I see it, am I supposed to be grateful?”
“No, of course not. You do realise though that if we went to Court over any of this shit that the Judge would have ordered me to back pay you child support in any case and it probably would have been more based on my earnings. So what’s your solution?”
“Take half of it back and the other half I’ll withdraw and place into a trust for Charlotte until she’s an adult.” I rub my hand over my face, she’s so fucking stubborn, always has been.
“Fine, I’ll take half back, I’ll email you with an account number, the rest you can place in a trust with the exception of a hundred thousand. I want you to keep that, just in case it’s needed, perhaps get yourself a new car, that’s the only way I’ll agree to it.” I can see her mind working behind those caramel eyes, her mouth opening and closing trying to come up with an argument. She caves and agrees in the end, it would be pointless going round and round in circles over this. I can’t help myself and my curiosity gets the better of me. I’m a glutton for punishment it seems. “How was your date on Saturday?”
She looks at me in disbelief. Yeah, I can’t believe I asked that either.
“How did you know that?”
“Well, my daughter let it slip on the phone that you were going out so I assumed it was with that Henry fucker.”
“Don’t call him that. You don’t know him and you don’t really want to know the answer to that. It’s none of your business.” She becomes defensive.
No I don’t, because her lack of a real answer is more than enough to know exactly what happened.
“So you’re going to continue seeing him then.”
“What do you want from me, Nick, what do you want me to say?”
“I know I have made mistakes, big ones, but please let me fix them, give me a chance. You said I gave up on us and you’re right I did, but now I’m trying, don’t you give up on us. We owe it to our daughter to try. Aren’t you even willing to do that? Doesn’t she deserve to have both her parents together in the same house?”
“Yes, she does in an ideal world, however she also deserves for it to be a happy home. I can’t trust you.” Well there you have it. “I have some questions and I need you to be honest.”
“Ask away.”
“How and when did you discover you had the heart condition or carried it rather?”
“You know about my birth father passing away and how Mary was the social worker working at the hospital the day I was brought in and that’s how I ended up being fostered and then adopted by them.”
“I do.”
“They performed an autopsy on him and after discovering the cause of death and because I was a little malnourished they performed a variety of tests and scans on me. That’s how it was picked up.”
“And the vasectomy?”
“I was 21 when I decide to have it done. I didn’t think having a family was in the cards for me. I always had trouble letting people in until I met you. You were different. But what sort of life could I possibly give a child if I passed this on? They would have been afraid to run around like a normal kid does.”
“Last question. Why did you never tell me any of this? All those months you had plenty of time and opportunity but you kept it to yourself. Why? All this could have been avoided.”
“I didn’t tell you because I was afraid to lose you. You would have realised I wasn’t perfect. If you knew that there would be no kids it might have been a deal breaker and I couldn’t risk that, I needed you too much, but I lost you regardless.” She stands up angrily with her hands on her hips.
“Do you know how crazy that sounds? Did you think that I would think so little of you? I loved you, Nicholas and that included all of you and your flaws no exceptions, not that I see it as a flaw, you’re not responsible for how you were made but you were responsible for how you dealt with it and the keeping of it to yourself. I never wanted perfect. And if you were so afraid of having children to pass it on to you should have spoken to me, we could have found a way to work around it, but you were selfish, that ego of yours is really something else, you didn’t even give me the benefit of making up my own mind. You were going to rob me of the chance to be a mother without any discussion whatsoever. A marriage like that was never going to work. How do you not see that? That is not love.” I stay quiet. “You have nothing to say now?”
“What can I say?” I’m ashamed.
“If you truly loved me, you would have been honest from the start, maybe then we would have stood a chance and been a real family. Instead my life has been this rollercoaster of ups and downs while you’ve been living your carefree life. Tell me, Nicholas how often did I even cross your mind?”
“ENOUGH!” I bang my hand on the table causing her to jump and stop her tirade. “Please just stop.” I beg. She crosses her arms over her chest and begins to turn her back when something catches her attention.
“Nick, what happened to your hand, how did you get that scar?”
I glance at my clenched fist which shows the faint white line running across the knuckles of my right hand. I open my hand up, stretching my fingers. Tell her the truth, she already hates you.
“You seem to be under the impression that I didn’t come after you when you were staying with Rachael. That I didn’t love you enough, but you’re wrong I did.”
“When?” She gasps.
“It was five days later. I was sitting outside her place in my car. I was ready to forgive you on the condition you got rid of it. I talked myself into believing that if the baby was no longer an issue that we could move forward. I was going to ask you to kill our child. Even if at the time I truly believed it wasn’t mine, it was still a part of you.” I feel the hot tears run down my face. I have never admitted this out loud to anybody. I quickly wipe them away. “I left. When I returned home I stood in front of the bathroom mirror until I couldn’t stand to look at myself any longer so I smashed it. The glass cut me, needing stitches and leaving this scar. I was a monster. It’s probably best that I wasn’t around you or Charlotte.” I quickly stand up, feeling as if I’m suffocating. “I’m sorry, I have to go, tell Charlotte I’ll be back later.” I almost run through the house trying to reach the front door. I can hear Alannah’s footsteps chasing me.
“Nicholas, wait.” She calls out.
I open the door to face another nightmare. Her father is standing there, his arm raised ready to knock.
Fuck!
Chapter 12
Alannah