Once they’re gone I turn to my daughter who’s on the couch playing with her new dolls again. I sit next to her then pull her onto my lap kissing her head.
“Did you have fun with your grandparents?”
“Yeah, I liked them. They were nice.” She looks up at me sadly.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just wish daddy didn’t have to leave again.”
I hold her to me tighter. Oh Charlotte, I wish I could give you the family you deserve.
Later in the day I hear my phone go off indicating a new text message. I pick it up off the kitchen counter and see it’s from Rachael. Opening it up it has a photo attachment along with it. The picture is of Rachael with her little girl Ally. Underneath the caption reads, ‘Guess who’s going to be a big sister?’ They all look so happy. I reply with a congratulations, put my phone down and walk into the living room on shaky legs before collapsing on the couch.
I cover my face with my hands as the tears come. Crying for what I’ve lost, the broken dreams, the loneliness. I’m so lost in my grief I don’t even hear Charlotte come into the room until she speaks.
“Mummy what’s wrong?” she worriedly asks.
“I’m just a little sad but nothing one of your great big hugs won’t fix.”
I pull my daughter into my arms and take in her scent. The happiest feeling in the world is holding onto my baby with her little body curled into mine. She has the power to brighten my day with a single hug and smile. All I ever wanted as I got older was for my own child to have a sibling, to not be lonely growing up like I was, to have a happy unbroken home, but look at me, I’ve failed her. Rachael gets her happily ever after. What have I done? I’m sorry Charlotte we’ve both screwed up. I kiss her on top of her head as my silent tears continue to fall.
I love my friend but I can’t help but feel a little jealousy.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?
Where do I go from here?
Chapter 15
Alannah
A whole month has passed since Nick was here with his parents. Charlie is missing him and constantly asking when she’s going to see him again. I spoke to him a week ago after he called to talk with Charlotte. He told me that there’s no way he can come to see her for at least another month, it’s a really busy time for him at work, a new project is starting and there is no possible way for him to get away for a few days. He asked if I would at all consider flying out to Sydney with Charlotte for a weekend. My first instinct was to say no but I can’t do that to my daughter. In order for their relationship to continue growing they need to spend time together. I on the other hand don’t know if I’ll have the courage to step foot inside his apartment while we’re there, so we’ll be staying at a nearby hotel instead.
Mary learned that we’ll be there this weekend and called to invite me over for lunch on Sunday. Their visit here went fine, but I’m not sure how this time it’s going to play out. I can only hope for the best.
Nick also brought up the topic of Charlotte’s upcoming birthday. His suggestion was to fly his family here and hold a birthday party for her at home. He even offered to pay for it which I told him wasn’t necessary. This will be the first time her whole family will be there to celebrate it with her. I’m certain she’ll love having a large party although I can’t say the same. My only wish is for it to go smoothly without any drama. I can’t believe my baby girl will be turning five in a few months. Time really does fly. I wish I could hold onto these simple moments with her for a little while longer.
Work has been busy thanks to a new development of apartments that John is selling which helps to keep my mind off the things going on in my personal life, Henry being one of those things. He asked me to join him for dinner on two occasions this past month. I agreed but cut our evening short as my heart and head wasn’t in it. I could see the disappointment in his face but he didn’t argue the point. The second time I turned him down and made up the excuse that I couldn’t get a babysitter for that weekend. He knew I was lying since my mother is always willing to come over and watch Charlie. I don’t know what the matter with me is, the thought of spending time with him wasn’t as appealing as it once was. Perhaps whatever we had going on has run its course. Or perhaps a certain ex who lives in Sydney is consuming your thoughts again.
Charlie and I are flying out tomorrow morning. My mother has Charlie for the night and will bring her back in plenty of time to head to the airport. Nick will be sending his company plane down for us. It was a battle to stop him doing so, I would rather catch a commercial flight and not put him to any trouble but he insisted saying he’d feel better knowing his daughter is flying on an aircraft he knows is safe. How do I argue with that?
I’ve already packed for our weekend trip. As I pulled out my suitcase from the top shelf in my closet a box fell down with it, the lid opening and the contents spilling out on the floor. While on my hands and knees collecting the various papers I came across our engagement announcement photo. Nicholas in his grey suite with white shirt and red tie to match my dress. It feels like this was taken a lifetime ago. My throat instantly fills with unshed tears. Why today of all days? Is the universe against me?
For the past hour I’ve been sitting on my couch staring at the photograph in my hand and drinking cheap white wine straight from the bottle. The effects are hitting me strongly seeing as I have always been a lightweight and cheap drunk when it comes to alcohol.
My phone rings beside me. I answer without checking to see who it is.
“Heeelllooo.” I slur slightly as I answer.
“Alannah?” The concerned voice comes across. Shit.
“Hellooo, Niiicholass.”
“Are you okay?” As if you care.
“No, not really.” I admit.
“Are you drunk?”
“Maybe just a little bit.” I giggle and hear him exhale over the speaker.
“Where’s Charlotte?”
“It’s Friday, she’s with my mother.” Please, as if I’d be drinking with her around. I roll my eyes at him.
“Oh, right, of course. I was calling to confirm that everything is still good to go ahead at ten thirty tomorrow.” Is he afraid I won’t get on the plane? I told him we’ll be there and I keep my word. Unlike some people.
“Yep.” I answer popping the ‘p’. I hear him clear his throat before he speaks again.
“Why are you drinking?” Do I lie or go with the truth? No. I’m going to tell him why. Let him suffer along with me.
“Do you know what the date is today?”
“June nineteenth.” He states but says nothing else.
“Today would have been our wedding anniversary.”
“I know, Alannah.” He whispers so softly I barely hear him.
“Tell me something, Nick, how did you spend the day we were supposed to be getting married?”
“Alannah…” he hesitates, his voice coming across thick and brittle.
“Tell me.” I insist.
“I really don’t remember. I was drunk most of that day and night. I wanted to forget. Is that what you want to hear?”