“Yeah, he can be an ass. I’ll talk to him.”
We fall into silence and watch our daughter playing. I clear my throat which gets her attention.
“I did a lot of thinking last night after I left you at the hotel. I know I ended it badly but if I knew you were in trouble I would have been there for you. I still cared about you. Those feeling don’t just turn off. I wish I had known you were in the hospital, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today. I missed you more than you can imagine, Lana. I spent a lot of time drinking. I drank to pass out so I didn’t have to dream about you. I regret wasting so much time.”
“We have both made mistakes.”
“We have, but I’m glad we talked.”
“Me too.” She gives me a small smile.
That evening I drive them to the airport to board the plane back home. I hate the fact they’re leaving but if anything, I think we have made some real progress this weekend. I have a path to follow which will hopefully get them back here permanently sooner rather than later.
Upon seeing the plane Charlotte starts to fuss, not wanting to get on it and giving Alannah a hard time.
“Why can’t we stay longer?” She cries to her mother. I feel you kid. I squat down in front of her and place my hands on her arms.
“Hey, you know what? Can you do me a big favour?”
“What?” She hiccups.
“You’re my big girl aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Her bottom lip wobbles.
“Well I need my big girl to look after mummy, to make sure that she’s safe on the plane and that the boogie man stays away from your house until the next time I come visit. Can you do that for me?”
“Okay.” She giggles. “But the boogie man isn’t real.”
“He’s not? Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Bye princess. I’ll see you soon.” I hold her tight and kiss her head before handing her over to Alannah.
“Bye, daddy.”
“Bye, Nick. Thank you for everything this weekend.”
I watch them take the steps up and the doors close behind them.
Alone again.
Chapter 18
Alannah
5 Months Later
These past few months have passed by so fast. A lot has been happening. Nick has flown down here twice a month to see Charlotte. Their relationship has become what I always wished for her to have with her father. They even share inside jokes which I don’t get at all but they find hilarious.
The weekend after I returned from Sydney I asked Henry to meet me for lunch so we could talk. Before I had the chance to speak he said the words for me. He knew this thing between us was over. He could see the struggle on my face.
“It’s fine, don’t feel bad. I know I never truly had your heart, Alannah but I tried to be there for you and be what you wanted. As soon as Moore came back into your life there really was no question of what would happen. I could feel the connection between you guys and I only met him for a minute. Charlotte deserves to have her father in her life and you deserve to be happy. If that’s with him then there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know what happened between the two of you in the past but I hope he doesn’t hurt you again.”
“I’m sorry, Henry. We had fun together but I need time to myself and to see if this thing with Nick can go anywhere. We’re still friends aren’t we?”
“Absolutely, we’ve always been friends.” His face is telling me a different story. Have I read him wrong this whole time? Have his feelings run deeper?
“I know there is someone perfect out there for you, you’re a great guy.”
“I’ll see you around, Alannah.”
With that he got up and left the table. I felt like shit but I didn’t want to lie to him or myself.
My own relationship with Nick is another story. He stays for an hour after we’ve put Charlotte to bed the times he has come to see her in order to spend time alone with me and just talk. We talk about work and what he’s doing with the property he bought out here, about books and movies and how much I miss the design world. It made me realise how much I missed talking to him. We used to spend hours chatting about nothing at all.
Being friends is all well and good but I don’t think that’s enough for me anymore. I’m not saying I’m ready to open my heart to him again but maybe I can give him a chance. He’s proven himself more than I expected. I admit it’s becoming harder to resist him when he gives me one of his panty dropping smiles as I like to call them. Old feelings are resurfacing. We’ve both been putting Charlotte first but it’s time I think about myself. Why hasn’t he made a move? Is it because I told him no pressure? Is he waiting for me to do or say something? To make the first move? He has given me all the time and space I could want but I’m ready for that chance, I want to try but at the same time it terrifies me. What if it backfires, what if he’s changed his mind?
A couple of months ago we attended a counselling session together while he was here with a relationship counsellor I chose. It didn’t go so well. What if the things I said that day has him second guessing that a relationship between us will work?
Nicholas and I are sitting next to each other on a leather brown couch in the therapist’s office. His knee bouncing up and down is irritating me.
“Stop it.” I whisper over to him.
In front of us sits an older lady in her mid-fifties with greying blonde hair. I liked Dr Tyler instantly when I spoke to her over the phone, she has been doing this for a long time so I hope we get something useful out of today.
“So Alannah has told me a little bit about your history and that you wish to be able to co-parent your daughter and get along better without more issues popping up and anger getting in the way. I would like to know what your ultimate goal is, what outcome you wish to achieve at the end of all this.”
Nick answers her immediately.
“I want my family back.”
“Alannah?” She turns her attention to me. I on the other hand don’t have an answer.
“I…I don’t know yet what it is I want.”
“That is quite alright, there are no time limits on when decisions about your future need to be made. Nicholas, why were you so quick to judge and condemn Alannah when she told you she was pregnant? Why did you not give her an opportunity to tell her side? There was always that chance that she was telling the truth.” I watch him rubs his palms on his jeans before he answers.
“Because it happened to me once before. I was dating a girl during my first year of university, it was never anything serious but she cheated on me. I ran into her a few months later after we broke up and she was pregnant. When Alannah told me she was pregnant that day I felt like an idiot that it happened to me again, but I truly believed it wasn’t mine. She knows how sorry I am about it all and how much I regret everything.” I turn my body to face his.
“Are you kidding me? So what? Was I paying for someone else’s crimes too?” I am so mad with him. I have the urge to throw something at his head but the only thing around are cushions and that won’t be satisfying enough.