“Of course not. But you want me to be honest and that’s where my mind went that day.”
“Alannah, what is it that hurt you the most?”
“You means besides being called a whore, a cheater and a liar and being kicked out of my home? He kept important information from me. He made me feel like a fool, as if I had no idea who I had fallen in love with, who I was prepared to share my life with. He says he wants to try again and have us be a family but I keep thinking, what if he continues to hide things from me.”
“You don’t trust me.” He states.
“No. Have you given me a reason to?”
“What have I been doing all this time flying back and forth? Do you think I enjoy spending all those hours on a plane? But I do it for Charlotte and for you. Am I wasting my time? You keep going back and forth. I love Charlotte and I’m making up for lost time but I can just as easily get her to come to me if that’s all it was.”
We start bickering, getting louder, throwing insults at each other, dragging up things that happened so long ago just to hurt the other. I think all the frustration has been unleashed in this small office space and neither one of us is holding back until we’re interrupted.
“Okay, I think we should take a minute to calm down. At this point, I suggest putting all your energy into your daughter as you have been doing. Give her a stable and consistent environment. All this anger will eat you up if you don’t let it go. You will not achieve what you want if you’re both harbouring all these thoughts and feelings about the other. You loved each other once and have a beautiful little girl, think about her for a moment, picture her in your mind. Now, this is what I suggest.”
We only went back for one more session which went a lot better. I took on board everything she told us. I let the anger go. It was always just beneath the surface simmering away whenever Nick was around and that wasn’t fair to him. This is the only way there can be no more pain and hurt surrounding us.
It’s Charlotte’s birthday party today. I can’t believe how much she has grown. It only feels like yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital and changing her diapers and now she’s five.
Nick stopped by last night to drop off her gift which she absolutely went nuts over. He gave her a red bicycle with white wicker baskets, both in the front and back and colourful streamers hanging off the handles. She rode it around ringing that bell for an hour before getting tired.
I’ve been a nervous wreck since my parents and step-father arrived this morning to help me set up and prepare the food. Nick suggested getting everything catered, not wanting me to have to spend hours in the kitchen cooking, but I told him no, that this is all part of the fun of giving your child a party. I’m expecting him any minute now with the rest of his family. Please God, let today go smoothly.
There’s a knock at the door while I’m preparing the salad and call out to enter, knowing it will be Nick and his family. One by one they file in to the kitchen greeting me and Charlotte, handing her presents galore. Flynn and his family are with them, his wife is pregnant and rushes to the bathroom as soon as she enters. I’m glad Nick and Flynn talked and worked things out for the sake of their long friendship. Everyone has a smile on their face. They’re genuinely happy to be here. They all made the trip to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. Her very first with all her family members present. All this was only made possible because of Nick. I don’t think I’m able to describe with words how much it means to me that he made today happen. I need to get back to being busy before I begin crying.
“Charlie, put your presents on your bed then came back out.” With Melissa’s help she carries all the brightly wrapped packages to be placed in her bedroom until later.
“Do you need any help?” Nick offers.
I shake my head telling him it’s all good and to take his parents out to the yard where mine are waiting. I pray their seeing each other again goes well and nobody says something to start an argument. My stomach is in enough knots. The last thing I want is drama today.
At half past twelve my boss with his family and about half a dozen of Charlotte’s friends from day care along with their parents show up including Henry and his son. If Nick has an issue with him being here, he’s just going to have to get over it. Henry actually met someone about a month ago and asked if he could bring her along today. Her car had broken down and she went into his pharmacy to ask for help, and he was more than willing to help her out. He was so smitten with the way he was talking about her. I’m happy for him and it makes being around him that little bit less weird.
The very last guest to arrive is Rachael. I give my best friend a big hug. I’ve missed her so much. Talking over the phone just isn’t the same. I tried to argue with her that it wasn’t necessary for her to fly across the country for this but she insisted. They’re flying from here to Bali for a baby moon on Monday, so she said it was killing two birds with one stone and that nothing was going to keep her away today.
“Holy shit, Rachael you’ve popped out.” I comment on her stomach.
“Ugh, I know. I feel like a cow already. How are things with you?” She raises an eyebrow in silent question. The last conversation we had a week ago was about the state of play between Nick and I.
“Good. I mean the same as the last time we spoke.”
“What are you waiting for? Tell him today.”
“I can’t. I-” We’re interrupted by my mother and Mary coming in to the kitchen laughing. So I take it the reunion is going well then.
“Okay, darling what do you need us to do?” My mother asks placing an arm around me.
Two hours later my backyard is a sea of pink and purple balloons with kids running around on a sugar high. It’s a perfect November, spring day, Mother Nature playing along with the weather for us. I hired an entertainer who came dressed up as a fairy. She’s been great, face painting the kids, giving them balloon animals and dancing around. Charlotte is having a blast which is the most important thing.
I walk into the kitchen to grab some more napkins and the fruit platters to find my parents in a hushed and heated conversation.
“What’s going on?” I ask, making them both look my way. My mother seems upset whereas Dad looks annoyed. They stop talking and now look guilty at being caught out, plus they are not answering my question. I’m definitely going to need an answer out of them and the sooner the better. “Okay. So what are you arguing about?”
“Nicholas.” My dad tells me not beating around the bush.
“Oh my God, this again? Dad I explained my reasoning to you, you told me you understood. Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“Besides how he treated you? He’s not a good person, Alannah.”
“Really, Dad? How can you say that? He has made such an effort and put in hours of time to be here and build his relationship with Charlotte. She loves him and I have no doubt that he loves her just as much. He made a mistake which he’s paid for and is fixing. What is your problem?”
“Are you so ready to forgive him yourself? You don’t know him like you think you do. Do you know everything he’s been up to in the time you were apart?”
Well no, but we have made progress and I hope that as more time passes he’ll continue to open up to me as I am trying to do with him and he will fill me in on that time.