“You obviously know something. Why don’t you just tell me then?”
“It’s not my place,” he says. I shake my head at him in frustration. Not his place? He’s kidding right?
“You are unbelievable. You know some horrible secret about my daughter’s father and refuse to tell me. Thanks.”
“Dennis, she should know.” My mother jumps in. “Tell her what you told me.”
He looks down in contemplation with his hands on his hips. I know when he’s made his decision because he looks at me with regret in his eyes, which tells me he’s about to hurt me with his next words.
“All I’m going to say is ask him about the girl whose abortion he paid for.”
“What? What are you talking about? How would you even know that?”
“Her father is an old buddy of mine. We were out one night when he got drunk, he was upset after finding paperwork and learning his daughter terminated a pregnancy with your exes name on the documents. Like any father would, he assumed he was responsible for the pregnancy. Why else pay for it?”
No. That can’t be true. Who? When? I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I need to escape. My chest constricts and I can’t breathe. I stand there frozen.
My mother comes closer to where I’m standing however I rise my hand up to stop her, not wanting her comfort right now.
It’s a lie. It has to be.
I run into my bedroom where I grab my bag and keys, running into Rachael who is taking her daughter to the bathroom.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” She asks, it’s obvious I’m upset.
“Can you please keep an eye on Charlotte and the party for me for a few minutes until I get back? I won’t be long.”
“Of course. What happened?”
I don’t answer. I get in my car and start driving away. I have no idea where I’m going, only following the road in front of me. Is what my father said true? Was Nick in a serious relationship or was it just some random girl he also knocked up? Did he really get her to get rid of the baby? But he’s so wonderful with Charlotte. I’m so confused and feel like all the progress we’ve made has been for nothing if he’s been keeping such a big secret from me.
I end up at the beach where I park my car, get out and walk down onto the sand standing in front of the waves, following their journey back and forth with my eyes. In the past I would find peace staring out at the ocean but not today. Today I’m a jumble of emotions. I probably look ridiculous standing there fully clothed surrounded by the other beachgoers. My mind is shooting unwelcome thoughts in all different directions. Did I really just leave my own daughter’s birthday party?
“Alannah.” Of course he followed me.
I hear his voice and turn to face him with my arms across my chest to protect myself and my heart. He looks confused, wondering why I just ran out on our daughter’s birthday party.
Some part of me knew he would show up, that if I stood in one place long enough he would find me, like you’re taught to do when you’re lost as a kid and waiting for your parents. Did I want him to come find me? But they never taught us what to do if both of you are lost and you both end up in the same place waiting. Because the truth is I feel stuck. I can’t go back but afraid to go forward too. We’re both waiting for something.
“Why did you run off? Rachael came to tell me you were upset.”
“Is there something you haven’t told me?”
“Like what?”
“You tell me.”
“Do you want to narrow it down for me?”
“Did you pay for someone to have an abortion? Did you get another girl pregnant as well and force her to get rid of it?”
He looks over my shoulder towards the water before staring into my eyes with his own angry ones.
“Who told you that? And no, I fucking did not. I mean it wasn’t mine.”
“My father did. Explain yourself.” I demand, shoving a finger in his chest. His shoulders sag. He suddenly appears as if he’s carrying the weight of the entire world on them.
“It was a long time ago. When you left, I bought out the company you worked for, thinking that if you ever returned and wanted your old job back that you would have to come and beg me for it. I wanted to have something to hurt you with like I was hurting at the time. I know it was immature and childish but I was angry. Anyway, the person they hired to replace you was out on a job site late one evening setting up. She was alone and ended up getting attacked. Security found her. She fell pregnant from that traumatic night and didn’t want to keep the baby understandably. When I found out I offered to pay her medical bills. I felt responsible as the owner for putting her in that position to begin with. All I could think was, what if that had been you. That’s all there was to it.”
“Oh my God.” That’s awful. That could have easily been any one of my old colleagues. That poor girl.
“I felt obligated to help her and in a way she reminded me a bit of you. She was young and passionate about her job.” He takes a step closer to me. “How does your father know about this anyway?”
“He’s friends with her father who found the paperwork from the hospital. It had your name on it.”
“No wonder he hates me so much.”
“I’m such an idiot. I was so quick to accuse you, just like you did me. I thought you were still keeping secrets from me.”
“Is that all there is to your running away?”
“What else could there be?” I don’t think I’m going to like what he says next.
His eyes are pleading with me.
“I’ve done all you have asked of me. Are you still punishing me is that it? I’ve been there for Charlotte, I’ve put her first and gotten to know her. My family adores her, I’ve given you space, we’ve gone to counselling sessions that you have insisted on, I hashed things out with my best friend and family and we’re all in a good place again but I still feel this distance you’re putting between us. You’re not even giving us a real chance. Sometimes I think you’re going to tell me you want to try again and then you pull back. I’m getting whiplash over here and you probably don’t even realise you’re doing it. What more can I do?” He begs.
I don’t look at him. I close my eyes and shake my head as I cry. The wind drying my tears before they have a real chance to fall. When I reopen then again I look at him, and I mean really look at him and see a man who is not whole, who is waiting for something the same as me. I can change that. Do I want to change that? I do, but there are so many what ifs.
“I’m scared, Nick. I haven’t meant to give you mixed signals. If we fail this time, then there’s no going back. I won’t put Charlotte through that. She adores you and would be devastated to have us be a family only to have it ripped away from her again.”
Before I know it, he has me in his arms in a tight hold, hugging me and I let him. I wrap my own around his waist and take comfort in his strength and allow myself a moment of weakness pretending everything is fine. I have missed him and I do want to try again, I can finally admit it to myself but I don’t know what to do to get us back on track.
“We won’t fail, I won’t let us. I’ve learned my lesson and from my mistakes. I’ve spent too long living without the both of you and I don’t want to go back to that.” He whispers in my hair. “I want you.”