"Let me decide what's best for me."
I smashed my mouth to Kova's. He kissed me back hard, brutally, putting all his feelings into the way his lips crushed mine. He kissed me like he was giving me hope and breaking my heart at the same time. This wasn't a man who wanted to leave me. This was a man who was on his knees madly in love with me, trying his hardest to right his wrongs.
"Tell me you love me," he said.
My breath hitched in my throat. I looked back and forth between his eyes, suddenly scared to tell him I loved him. My heart pumped hard and fast as he watched me, waiting, silently pleading for something he wasn't sure I could give him.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I finally said the words he needed to hear. "I love you." I released a loud sob as soon as the words left my lips. "I've loved you for a long time."
Kova studied me, the black flecks in his probing green gaze cut right through me. My declaration stilted him into silence and his stare filled with a mixture of wonder and heartbreak. I think he always knew I loved him, but saying the words changed his reality. He wasn’t prepared for the weight of those words to actually leave my lips.
Kova lifted my hand and brought it to his chest. His heart beat wildly under my palm. "Do you feel that, Adrianna? My heart will only ever beat for you. This is what you do to me when I think about how much I love you."
I felt his pulse and wondered if he knew the rapid thumping of his heart mirrored my own.
My fingers moved over the raised scar beneath his shirt, tracing over the letter. I softened. The mark was more than a binding of two people. It represented our agony and connection. Proof there was no length we wouldn't go to for each other. How were we supposed to walk away from one another when it was agonizingly clear we didn't want to?
"I love you, Kova," I said, my voice soft. "I love you so fucking much." My jaw trembled from the magnitude of emotions coursing through me.
Saying I love you was so much harder than saying fuck you or I hate you. Love was putting themselves out there to risk everything one had to give. It was the strongest emotion there was. Hate dissipated over time. People didn't reminisce over hate, they reminisced over love and the way it made them feel. Love grew and intensified over time. Love also wrecked lives.
Kova drew in a quiet breath and nestled me closer to him. Being wrapped in his arms was something I reveled in, but this time he was finding solace in holding me. His eyes closed and he took a few shallow breaths. I didn't know what the next five minutes would bring us. All I knew was that we couldn't lose each other.
"Loving you scares me," I said, opening myself up to him and the truth. "More than anything in the world."
He opened his eyes and looked at me. I cupped the back of his head and brought his lips to mine. Soft and pliable, his kiss eased the tension around me. My body pressed into his, his chest against mine, and I expelled a breath knowing this was right where I needed to be. My mind was a muddled mess, and the more I thought about our future the messier it became. There was only one thing I wanted tonight.
"Kova?" I waited until his eyes met mine before I continued. "Make love to me?"
"Are you sure that is what you want?"
I nodded. "I think it's what we need. Just…just go slow."
His brows angled toward each other. “I do not have any protection with me.”
Crazy how we never really cared about protection until I got pregnant. It wasn't like we didn't know unprotected sex led to babies, we knew, we just got too lost in the passion to really care.
“I’m on birth control now.”
A shadow formed in his eyes and it hurt my heart. I'd gone on birth control before I left the hospital.
“Are you upset I started the pill?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “All of this happened because of me, and it sickens me."
I wished he'd stop blaming himself. If he didn't let go of the guilt it would eat him alive.
Kova pressed his forehead to mine and looked between us. He stilled. I fisted his shirt tighter and followed his gaze. My heart nearly stopped when I realized he was looking at my stomach.
A million thoughts ran through my mind.
I wondered what he was thinking.
I wanted to know if he felt like his chest was caving in the way mine was too.
I was scared to know if he wanted this for us, or if he was truly trying to put me before him.
His brows knitted together, and I prayed he didn't turn me away because of what had happened.
"I'm sorry, Kova. I understand if you can't…be like that with me anymore. I'm sure I disgust you after what happened—I disgust myself."
God, how I hated myself.
Kova's eyes snapped up to mine. "What the fuck are you talking about? I love every single thing about you. Everything." Kova pressed me back onto the mattress. He dropped a quick kiss to my lips then one over my collarbone. He slid further down my body and I watched him. "I loved that, for a moment," he said, kissing the spot next to my nipple, "no matter how brief it was"—he kissed just above my bully button—"my child was growing inside of you. And it makes me want you more."
I clenched my eyes shut. Kova gently placed his lips right next to the crease of my hip and thigh. It nearly ruined me when he pressed one last kiss to the center of my pelvis. My fingers threaded through the hair on the back of his head as I fought the feelings rushing through me at his unexpected tenderness and just how wrong I was.
There was this deep-seated need inside of me to know that he didn't hate me, that he still wanted me intimately, that he didn't find me repulsive after what had happened.
Forty-Two
Pressing my lips to his, I pushed against Kova's chest to roll him onto his back before he could say another word.
I sat up and straddled his hips. Kova peered up at me, his vulnerable gaze probing mine. His hands found the tops of my legs and grabbed me.
This man loved me so much and it was ruining him. He was willing to suffer for a better us one day.
I gripped the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head and dropped it on the bed next to us. As I reached around my back to unclasp my bra, Kova sat up and stopped me with his hands on mine. I looked at him and froze, afraid he was going to stop me completely.
He didn't. Kova unhooked my bra and the straps fell down my shoulders. I quickly fisted his shirt and pulled it over his head. The corners of my lips curved slightly at the sight of the A on the left side of his chest. Delicately, as if it were still fresh, I grazed my finger over the jagged skin. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his chest. I was curious what Katja had thought when she saw it, because I was sure she had, but I didn't want to ruin the moment by asking him. This was about us. Our love. Our healing. Nothing and no one else needed to be brought into it at this time.
Kova's palm cupped the back of my head as I kissed my way up the curve of his neck, peppering more kisses along his jaw until I found his lips. His shoulders contracted under my touch as I rose to my knees and looked at him. His fingers pressed into the space below my butt cheeks. We stared at each other, unblinking, drinking each other in. Every lesson learned formed a new scar. I just hoped this one wouldn't hurt as much.