My future wasn't going to be pretty for a bit, but one day it would be again. I was confident that it would be, even if the only thing I had to look forward to wouldn't start for about eight months or so. I wouldn't give up sports completely, it just wasn't possible. However, I would be smart about my decisions. Light jogging maybe, and some light weights. No actual gym, though. No Motrin, nothing that could hold me back. I only wanted to go forward from here. Moving to a new town alone would be a challenge too, but I was a little excited about that. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle everything on my own in the beginning, yet I knew exactly what I had to do in order to live.
I was going to live. I had to for me. I hadn’t achieved my dream of Olympic glory only to give up now.
Forty-Seven
Like every other night of my last week here, Dad and Sophia brought over takeout.
They made sure it was food I could eat on my special diet. Dinner was really the only meal I ate since I slept most of the day, so I made sure to eat everything they brought over.
"Did I bring enough boxes?" Dad asked, taking the last bite of his steak.
After we ended with Dr. Kozol, my dad picked up boxes then dropped me off at my condo. He was flying out in a few days to negotiate a new business deal, and Sophia was going with him.
They both planned to meet me in Oklahoma two days after I arrived to help me get settled and go to my first doctor’s appointment. Dad had insisted that Sophia stay and be there for me after he left until I got used to the side effects of the treatment, but I wanted to do it on my own. It was something I needed to do on my own. Maybe she could stay a few days, but that was it.
"Yes, I have plenty. I should be able to have this place packed up in a couple days with a day or two to run last-minute errands."
"How have you been feeling…otherwise?" Dad asked, dragging out his question uncomfortably. I watched his eyes do a quick sweep across my body and I knew what he meant by that. "Every time I see you, you look like you're hardly sleeping."
Though the part of my life that haunted his eyes was in the past, it was still very much in the present for me and lingered like a bad odor in the air. It was going to take time to dissolve.
"I'm honestly doing well, just catching up on all the sleep I missed out on. Dealing with the aftermath, of course, but otherwise, I'm really okay."
Dad regarded me. I held his stare, willing him to believe me.
"I can help you pack, if you’d like," Sophia offered. I looked at her.
"I'd like that. Thanks," I said, giving her a smile.
I didn't want to pack, and I sure didn't want to do it alone where I was lost to my thoughts. I'd either get nothing done from being depressed and not having the energy to do it, or I'd cry over the shitty hand I'd been dealt.
Dad's voice caught my attention. "When you get off the plane, look for the chauffeur to take you to your apartment. Your SUV won't arrive until the following week. Your apartment is right outside of campus and within walking distance of everything you could need, at least that's what student services told me when I spoke with them. The driver will have your house key, and the place will already be stocked with food."
I smiled, grateful that Dad was still willing to support me after everything. He could've kicked me out. I was eighteen, after all. Standing, I took the plates to the sink. They didn't usually stay after the sun set.
"Let me get this," Dad said quickly, and stood with me. He waved my hands away. "Go relax with Sophia on the balcony, or something. It's cooler out now."
"Dad, it's still like eighty degrees outside."
"It's better than ninety-three."
Dad carried the empty containers and plates to the kitchen. I was kind of happy that he suggested I hang out with her. Sophia came into my life at the worst time, and I've been wanting to thank her for everything she's done to help me.
We both took a place on the love seat on my patio. Sophia angled her body toward me and brought her knee up.
"How do you feel about the move? College? Are you getting excited?"
I nodded and shrugged at the same time. "A little bit. I think I'm starting to be okay with it…with things."
Sophia's eyes softened with compassion. She knew I wasn't just talking about going to college.
"Whatever is meant to be will always find its way," she said like she was so sure. "You'll see. I know what you're about to do seems scary, but I think you're going to discover just how strong you are."
My voice was small. "I don't feel strong. I feel really weak." I swallowed and opened up a little. "I'm scared."
Her eyes were empathetic. "Francesca used to tell me the same thing. She had a fighter's heart and I envied that about her. I didn't have the same ambition as her, obviously."
I felt bad that she viewed herself as someone weak. To give up a child because she knew she couldn't give it a proper home is not something a weak person did; however, I understood her sorrow completely.
Sophia continued, her brows smoothing out as she thought about Francesca. "She'd say she didn't know who she was or what her purpose was in life anymore. She was physically weak all the time, said her head was foggy a lot. She forgot things so easily, or couldn't focus on one task long enough to finish it. She was much sicker than you, though. Much sicker." She paused, staring off like she was stuck in the past. "It's going to take time adjusting to this new lifestyle of yours." Sophia rolled her lip over her bottom teeth and worried it a bit before returning her gaze to me. "I didn't mean to ramble and tell you a morbid story about my sister."
I shook my head, letting her know I appreciated it. "It's totally okay. I'd rather know what to expect, even if it is kind of sucky." She gave me a small smile, and I reassured her once more. "Tell me whatever you think is helpful. I know Francesca and I have different illnesses, but they're still similar in many ways. At least I won't be going crazy over the side effects."
Sophia nodded her head, her tender doe eyes expressing her feelings. I studied her. She appeared apprehensive about something. I decided I would start a conversation and open up a little more to her. She was trying…and so was I.
I licked my lips nervously. I wanted to tell her how I was really feeling inside. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was normal and that I was supposed to go through these motions. A part of me hoped she had sound advice to give.
"I’ve had a lot time to think since I got home. I should've gotten up and gone about my usual day. I should've started packing and preparing to move. I should've had deep tissue massages post training so I didn't lock up. Instead, I let myself go. I couldn't do anything because all I did was think about him." I eyed her to see how she'd respond to mentioning Kova in the way I did. "Every day, all day, my thoughts have revolved around him. I wasn't even awake long and I still managed to think about him the majority of the time. I even dreamed about him. The strange thing is, he would be so angry to know I wasn't taking care of myself, that I'd gotten weaker. He wouldn't have wanted me to feel the way I have been." I sighed heavily. Saying these things aloud was vastly different than thinking about them. It made me reflect on myself. "I normally never succumb to these feelings, but I've been having a really hard time lately. All I do is lie in bed." I blinked rapidly, feeling the tears climb my eyes. "As the days passed into weeks, I realized that the reason I was sick was because of me."