"I want you to be mine and only mine, and that means not living with anyone else if it's not me in the meantime. I want you to be committed to me unconditionally. Can you give me that? Give yourself to me completely the way I can give myself to you?"
God, the look in his eyes was going to ruin me forever. It was seared into my heart. I knew his answer before he did.
"I didn't think so," I answered quietly for him.
There was no animosity between us. Just brokenhearted words neither of us expected. Kova was trying. I just couldn't give him more than an inch without it eventually leading to another heartbreak. That would require more than I had to give.
"I didn't hear from you for a month. Is that what we are now? A monthly check-in?" I said, trying to step away again.
Kova pulled me closer and dipped his head into the curve of my neck. He exhaled a heavy breath and it prickled my skin. He held me tight and I let him because even though he’d hurt me so many times, I didn't know when I would see him again. My arms wound around his shoulders and it was my turn to dip my face near his.
"Do not dare reduce us to that."
"Actions, Kova. I can't give a title to something without cause. You gave it to me."
"Adrianna, you are not being reasonable." He stressed against my collarbone. "Sit back and think about what you are holding against me. My hands are tied."
Pulling back, I had to look at Kova when I said what I needed to say next. He had to see how much his decision had crushed me, how it ultimately changed me. I hoped one day I'd be able to forget it, but I wasn't sure how when anytime I thought about my time at the Olympics and who was on that journey with me, I'd always, and forever, think of Kova. He didn't just leave a footprint on my heart. As always, Kova went the extra mile and carved it out of my chest with his chalk-covered hands and took it with him.
"When you saw me break down in that hotel room… When I finally needed you for once, you walked away."
His eyes hardened and his body tensed under my hands. "Let me refresh your memory that I was there for you after training and during recovery. I took care of you when you could not on those nights. I even became certified to treat your Achilles injury and bought proper equipment just for you. You hid your illnesses from me and would not let me be there for that, so I had to be a piece of shit and push you to open up to me because I knew you needed me. I let you use a knife on me because you needed me. So do not dare tell me I have not once been there for you. I have plenty of times. We are not so different, Adrianna."
Warm tears fell from my eyes. I burst out crying. Kova knew more about how I felt about my illnesses than Avery. He knew my darkest fears and how I was scared it was going to kill me at a young age. That was the hardest reality to accept, that I was going to live this next chapter of my life on my own.
Kova dragged me a little closer again. He was right. We weren't so different, and he had been there for me.
Wrapping his arms around my back, he pressed the tips of his fingers into my sides as he hugged me. I whimpered softly until I got myself together to look at him again.
Kova reached out and used his thumbs to wipe away my tears as I said, "I can't keep getting caught up in us holding out for more when all it does is make me sicker in the end." Exhaling a deep breath, I said, "I put too much into us."
He looked at me, his brows lowered. He seemed concerned. I gestured to the space between me and him. Emotion cracked in my voice and my chin wobbled.
"The old me wouldn't have hesitated to give you exactly what you wanted." My lips pressed together. Kova squinted at my mouth. "I had to make a choice." I shook my head, feeling miserable. Kova finally dropped his hands from me, mine fell to the tops of his thighs again. His lips parted in what I would assume was disbelief. "You mess with my mind too much. You're all I think about almost every second of the day. I get so consumed in you that I forget about me. It's taken enough of a toll on my life." My voice shook. "I love you—"
Kova pushed the barstool back and swiftly stood. He looked terrified. Utterly terrified. I could feel the fear pumping in his chest.
"Adrianna, stop," he said. "Do not say another word," he warned.
I kept going even though it was going to hurt him. I had to get it out and this was the only time we had.
"I love you, but I need to get my mind right and my health right, and I realized I can't do that near you. The more I stay around you, the more destruction it causes to my life." I paused, and he held his breath. "I wanted you to be all in, but you wouldn't. I didn't want to have to question us as a couple in between dialysis appointments. It had to be all or nothing for me. You made your choice, and so did I."
His eyes widened and his lips parted. I swear I could hear his heart beating. "What are you telling me?"
My heart lodged in my throat, and more tears brimmed my eyelids. I took a step back. Kova looked down, confused, then back at me. This next part was going to be so difficult.
"I need to focus on me."
"What are you saying?" He demanded through a harsh whisper. "Say it."
I stared. With tears streaming down my cheeks, my voice was so small and dripping in defeat.
"This is goodbye."
His hand came up slowly to cover his mouth, his eyes bore into mine. "I refuse to accept this." His words exposed the shake in his voice, and once again, I almost yielded. "Absolutely not."
"You have no choice but to accept it. I've already made up my mind." I paused. "In two days when I board my plane, I'm leaving us here and saying goodbye to what we once were."
The anguish filling my chest was almost too much. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt" was a total fucking liar.
Kova's lips parted and I felt his shock reverberate through me. His wild eyes held me immobile. He ate up the space between us in three strides, his gait heavy with determination. He closed the distance and I placed my hand on his chest to stop him. A gasp escaped my lips as he cupped the back of my head and brought his mouth to hover above mine. Kova leaned into me as he pulled my body to his.
"Don't make this harder than it needs to be," I whispered. "Please." He shook his head, his beautiful eyes pleading. Hot air swept across my cheek as he exhaled through his nose. I knew what he was thinking—we were already passed that point. Kova pressed closer to my lips and I arched back, curling into him.
"No." It was all he said. "No." His voice shook a little this time. "Not this."
Kova pressed his nose into my cheek, and his hands traveled my back. He picked me up and wrapped my legs around his back. His fingers threaded through my hair and cupped the back of my neck. He held me to him for dear life. Heat flooded my body, and a soft sigh rolled off my lips. I felt his sorrow and it consumed me. I exhaled and melted into him, missing him so much already. He swept frantic kisses across the slope of my neck. My thighs squeezed around his waist in response and I held him to me just as tight.
I loved this man with every part of me, but that wasn't enough to stop me from executing the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.
Kova pulled back and met my gaze. He couldn't take his hands off of me. The startling revelation in his eyes was much harder to witness than I’d expected.