Sophia had tears brimming on her eyelids. She didn’t respond just yet, and I had more to get off my chest.
"I wasn't trying to make myself sick, I just missed him so damn much that I couldn't do anything else. How did you do it? How did you get over my dad if you loved him so much? How did you not think about giving me up? How do you wake up and not allow yourself to think about it?"
Sophia angled her head to the side. Her eyes were guarded. "I never got over him, and I never stopped thinking about you. Why do you think I'm here?" She smiled softly. Now I felt bad for asking her that. "You don't have to stop thinking about him, but you can't wallow in your feelings the way you have been either. That's not healthy. You have to pick yourself up and heal, and the only way you can do that is by learning to love yourself first. After that, you take each day one at a time."
I shook my head, not understanding how it could be so easy. "One second I know I need to leave and the next I want to stay. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm scared of the unknown. How did you leave the person you loved?"
She shrugged one shoulder and shook her head slowly. She wasn't even sure herself. "It's easy to fall in love when it's not the right time. Walking away is another story."
I let out a breathy laugh and glanced down. "It sucks when it's the first time."
Fuck. I hated heartbreak.
"Your time may never come, or maybe the stars will align when you least expect it and it'll happen. It took me too long to see that I had to do what was right for me to be happy and healthy in order to attempt a life with him or you again one day. I think you already know what you have to do, Adrianna."
I glanced away, my jaw was trembling. "Then why do I feel like this? I'm so torn. If I think it's right, then I'm wrong. My gut is just making me sick."
She blinked and her eyes lifted to mine. "You feel doubt."
"Yes," I said immediately. I was totally doubtful, and it was wrecking me inside.
Sophia shook her head. "You're not doubtful, you're emotional. You shouldn't doubt your decision, but you should be emotional over it."
Tears fell from the corners of my eyes. She was right. I twisted my fingers together.
"That feeling you have deep inside of you? Go with it. Trust it. It's okay to be emotional, even upset."
"I feel like I have two gut feelings." I laughed but I was being serious.
"You have to work on trusting yourself more."
I looked at Sophia. It was still strange to me that this woman was my biological mother and I had only just met her. She helped me at my lowest and was willing to stay by my side despite the baggage I carried. She didn't judge me or humiliate me, or make me feel bad for my choices. Sure, she probably had tons of thoughts running through her head, but she kept them to herself. She just listened and gave advice when I needed it most.
I couldn't recall one time Joy had ever been there for me in the way Sophia had. Before recently, I couldn't recall my dad being there much either. I realized during my time with Sophia that I longed for guidance, to have a parent tell me what I was going through was normal and that I was going to be okay. My heart was pounding in my throat. I wanted a real relationship with Sophia, and I hoped she wanted that too.
"There are no words that describe the gratitude I have for you." Taking a deep breath, I released it, and said, "I want to have a relationship as mother and daughter…if you want one with me. Even though you weren't part of my life until recently, you still didn’t have to help me and be there for me like you have been." Pausing, I licked my lips nervously. "Thank you for coming into my life when I needed a mom the most."
"If it were up to me, I would’ve been in your life since day one. With that being said, I'm not going to focus on what I lost out on. I'm going to focus on the present and what I have in this moment and every day after. If you want me in your life, I'll be there. I want it more than anything, but I want it at your pace and when you're ready. I'll always be waiting. Do whatever you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about me, your father, your coach, your friends. You have to live the life you want. It's okay to not have all the answers right now. As long as you're trying to be the best version of yourself, that's all that matters."
My eyes dropped to my hands. Sophia's words moved me deeply.
"You have no idea how much I really needed to hear that." I smiled bigger and then sniffled. I looked up at Sophia.
Leaning closer toward me, Sophia said, "We lost out on a lot of time, and while I try not to think about it, it still breaks my heart. I don't want to waste another second with you."
I hoped she understood just how much I wanted a mom and one who wanted to be there. I'd take anything at this point. It would be so nice to be able to call her up and just talk. Avery had that with her mom, and I longed for that myself. Now that she was in my life, I wanted to know everything about her. Everything I missed out on.
"Tell me about your sister, about your parents. I want to know everything."
Sophia laughed. It was a full-on belly laugh that caused a wide smile to spread across my face. This was good, really good.
I sighed. My heart felt like it was in a good place for the first time in a while. I definitely couldn't open up about Kova to Sophia the way I did to Avery, but that's why Avery was my best friend, and Sophia was my mom.
"All in good time," Sophia said, growing serious. "Have you finished reading the book?"
Before I could answer, Dad opened the sliding glass door and stepped outside to join us.
"Not yet. I've been saving it to read on the plane." I paused, thinking about the hours I was going to spend at the dialysis center. "If you can recommend any more books, let me know. I'm going to need them."
Her eyes lit up. "I have plenty to recommend, and even a few at home I can give you. Reading is good for the soul and helps you escape reality for a little while." Sophia looked up at Dad. "Ready to go?"
Dad nodded. "I've got a late-night conference with Asia I can't miss. I need to head back to your place soon and use your office."
Sophia stood up and straightened out her shirt. She looked at me and said, "I'll be here around nine tomorrow morning to help pack."
Until then, I was going to lose myself in my journal and just write out what I was feeling.
Forty-Eight
Coach: Can I see you?
My heart lodged in my throat.
I was pretty sure I stopped breathing for a whole minute.
Rolling over onto my stomach, I crumpled up my blanket under me and held my phone between both hands. I reread the single text message over and over until my eyes were blurry. It was still early in the morning and I didn't sleep well last night with everything on my mind. I could be hallucinating.
This was the message I'd been waiting on for weeks.
Now I wasn't sure how to react to it.
On one hand, I was excited to see that Kova was finally thinking about me. On the other, I was apprehensive to see him after the way we had left things.
Without wanting to look too eager, I put my cell phone down. If I responded immediately, then he'd know I was waiting. I didn't want to give that to him. We'd gone a month with no contact, I could hold out a little longer.