Kova filing for divorce should've relieved me, even made me feel giddy, not this sense of indifference unfurling inside of me. I was supposed to leave, and he just threw a curveball at me.
I studied Kova. Was I supposed to say congratulations?
"When did you file?"
"Two weeks ago."
He’d filed two weeks ago and it took him that long to reach out to me. Something about that crushed me.
"Where is Katja? Where does she live now?"
He shook his head, confusion filling his eyes. "At my house," he said, then he sobered up. My hands fell from his chest and I tried to take another step back, but Kova caged me in. My pulse sped up.
"And that's where she's been with you since you got back, right?"
The happiness Kova had walked in with was slowly dissolving into thin air. His shoulders hardened and his brows creased together like he was offended I could insinuate anything more.
"You question my love for you," he stated, quiet and low.
I shook my head. "Never."
I knew Kova loved me, and that no one would ever love me the way he did.
"What do you want me to do, Adrianna? I am trying to make the necessary changes for our future. Is that not what matters?"
I wasn't expecting the knife to slice through my chest the way it did. I wanted to yell back and demand to know why he waited two weeks to see me. If he wanted time knowing that I didn't have much of it to give, why didn't he move quicker if he was sticking to his plan? I was trying not to be nitpicky but that was weeks wasted that we'd never get back. Weeks we could have spent talking things out and figuring out life together. Hearing that he was still living with Katja hurt me. It didn't matter that he'd filed for divorce if he was still living with her.
If Kova was serious about us, he could've gone to a hotel or rented a condo. Anything to prove he was putting me and him first because it was something he wanted for us. But he hadn't.
Without an ounce of emotion, I said, "If the divorce is what you want, then I'm glad for you."
Forty-Nine
Kova pulled back, a tinge of worry etched his forehead.
His eyes shifted quickly between mine. "It is what you wanted too, yes?" he said.
"What I want shouldn't sway your decision. The decision should only be yours, Kova."
His worry deepened. "The decision is mine. You knew I needed a way out and why I had to stay married. We talked about this and you agreed with me. Now that I have filed papers you have a change of mind? What happened? I do not understand why you went backward instead of forward."
I was one of those angry criers. I could feel the tears rushing to the surface threatening to spill over. The last thing I wanted to do was to shed more tears.
I couldn't figure out what I was most angry about, though. Was it that Kova wanted time? Or the fact that I was sick and I resented myself for it?
My hands were resting on his spread thighs. I could feel the tears clogging my throat. I didn't change my mind, we just didn't agree with what the other wanted. I drew in a breath through my nose. My eyes closed shut and I clenched them to hold in the tears.
"What is it?" he said, his voice grave.
"Did you just think you could ignore me for however long you needed to, then come back and act like time didn't pass and everything would be fine and I would be waiting here?" A sharp ache shot through my chest. "A quick update and then it's goodbye for a little while again? Because I had a lot of time to think during these four weeks, and after the way we parted, I was under the impression you were completely done with me."
His brows shot up, his eyes widened. Kova's voice was bold. "I said I needed some time. We both do."
I shook my head in disagreement. "Time is infinite. You can't tell someone you need time and expect them to wait until you get your life together."
My pulse hammered away in my neck. I was proud of myself for standing up. We both remained quiet until Kova spoke.
"I want you. You want me. Is that not enough for us to hold on to for now?"
He looked at me with his heart on his sleeve. I shook my head, regret filling my veins. It simply wasn't enough. We’d learned that the hard way and we’d both suffered. It was now or never. It had to be.
"You've had me on your time since we started," I responded, my words were just above a whisper. "You had me when you pulled me from the first meet. You had me when you got married. You had me the months following when I was devastated that you could lie to me the way you did and hide your marriage. I don't think you understand the magnitude of what that did to me." I paused. "You had me when Katja paraded around your gym humiliating me, rubbing your marriage and my poor health in my face. Still, you had me when I got pregnant. But now that I have to step away from gymnastics for a little while to work on my health, you want more time…" I shook my head and said, "It's always when you're ready for me and never the other way around."
Blood drained from his cheeks. He leaned back. "That is not true," Kova said, his green eyes flaring. "I want you always. There is much unfinished business left to take care of and too much outside noise. We would be fighting every day like we are now and grow to hate each other. I cannot stomach the thought of that."
We'd always had shit between us and still managed to make it work. I wanted to stomp my foot because it was no different now.
"You had me through the good, the bad, and everything in between. Anytime you needed me, I've been here. Where were you all the times I needed you? That's right. You were playing house with your wife."
His back straightened with indignation. "That is not fair, Adrianna," he said, his voice low but steady.
"Maybe not. But I've given you more than enough time. I've been waiting for you to choose me since before you made Katja your wife, because even back then when it first started between us, my feelings for you were that strong. I waited, though, for different reasons. Mainly because I was so young. I thought that was the issue, but I'm learning it's more than that."
Kova's eyes softened with pure unfiltered rawness. His face fell. I think it was starting to really hit him that I wasn't changing my mind. He couldn’t give me what I wanted, and that killed him. It killed me too.
The barefaced truth was I would do anything for him.
It wasn't that I thought he wouldn't do anything for me, but he had to think about it first. I didn't.
That was the difference.
"I am trying, Ria," he said dejectedly. His fingers let go of my belt loops and found the back of my thighs. His palms were warm to the touch. Kova leaned forward, his back bending over so he could look into my eyes and plead with me. His eyes were so vibrant and green. "Please believe me. You have every part of me. No one has ever had me the way you do, and no one ever will. I am doing the best I can, given the situation."
Guilt ate through my lungs, squeezing them tight. I moved my hands from his thighs to his biceps. My thumbs glided over the veins. I pressed and watched the vein compress and expand.
"I want you now. I want you on my time. I don’t want to wait around anymore for you. I love you and you love me. Couples fight and then they make up. They learn from mistakes and it brings them closer. Isn't that how it happens? I really think in the end we would be okay.