I inhaled another shaky breath. I frowned. I was so confused.
"I am not mad." He planted another kiss. "I could never resent you." Two kisses. "I understand why," Kova said honestly, and it shattered my heart even more. "The miscarriage is not your fault, and as for the abortion, your decision was the right one. That does not mean I did not want our child, it was just not the right time for us, Adrianna. That is all. Nothing more, nothing less. Please, for me, stop making yourself sick over it. We do not need to keep discussing it."
Tears streamed from the corner of my eyes. I shook my head. "But how come you don't say anything about it? Why don't you even look sad?"
A shadow crossed his eyes. "Because I see how you are dealing with it and I am not adding to your sadness. The truth is, the whole thing"—he swallowed thickly—"fucking kills me, Ria. You have no idea what it does to me and what we lost. I am wrecked inside."
Kova took my wrists and guided them over his shoulders. He brought me closer to him then reached between us and palmed his length. His erection moved over my overstimulated clit. Always eager for him, I lifted my hips for Kova to push into me. My lips parted and our eyes met as he pushed all the way in. I sighed. Kova held still and so did I. His nostrils flared and I held my breath. We didn't move.
A moment later, he brushed a lock of hair behind my ear, and said, "If I felt any of those negative ways about you, would I still want to make love to you? Would I sell my gym? I am willing to go against your father for you. Truth is, I would do anything for you, Ria. I would probably kill for you, that is how much I fucking love you." He thrust in and growled. He was so hot inside of me, burning me up. "You always told me actions speak louder than words. Now that I am finally making moves, you question it."
I closed my eyes, feeling guilty.
"No, look at me. You want to know what I feel and how I am dealing, look at me when I tell you."
The demand in his voice caused me to shiver. I moved my hips, needing to feel him. Kova was right. I did ask, and here I was unable to handle it. I met his gaze.
"I cannot even get mad because I created that stress in you. All I can keep doing is trying to prove that you are my one and only forever love. One day I hope you believe me."
A gush of emotion pushed through my lips and I whimpered. "I do believe you. That's the thing, I do believe you. I'm just… I don't know what. Emotional, I guess."
Kova's hips surged forward and my eyes fell heavy from the wonderful blooming heat in my pelvis.
He continued when I couldn't speak. "I love you, and I never stopped loving you. I never will." He rocked harder into me. "Remember that. Remember right now when you question my love for you next time, because I know you will."
I smashed my lips to his and my arms tightened around his neck. Divine fullness filled me, but my heart was still aching. I was so stupid to doubt him. Every time I thought about Kova, my fear was he didn't want me anymore. How many more times did he have to tell me he loved me for me to finally believe it?
"I'm sorry," I cried against his mouth. I said it again as I greedily took his length. "I'm so sorry."
He shook his head, his voice frantic. "Stop. There is nothing to be sorry about."
I was sorry for more than just what happened. Mostly, I was sorry I was leaving him behind.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Before I could say it again, Kova spoke a few lines in Russian under his breath, then he kissed me. A sharp pang sliced through my chest at the familiarity of this moment.
Prosti.
All the air left my lungs and I abruptly broke the kiss and we stopped moving.
This was nearly the exact thing as that awful night. Kova came to me and apologized in his native tongue for hours while we made love. The only difference now was we were aware of the outcome, and it was me who was saying sorry.
We really were one in the same.
"Prosti," I said. I licked my lips and looked down.
My voice was quiet, broken. I was truly sorry for my decision even though I knew it was going to wreck us.
He tipped my chin up, and his intense eyes bored into mine.
"Ya ne mogu predstavit' svoyu zhizn', ne vidya tebya kazhdyy den.'"
My chin trembled. I waited for him to translate.
"I cannot imagine my life without seeing you every day." Kova's hips pressed forward and my jaw fell open at the delicious pressure between my legs. "I love you, Adrianna."
I inhaled, trying to steady my tears. "Promise me you'll never stop?"
I was such a hypocrite.
Kova sealed his response with a kiss. My hips moved over his in a slow wake, painting every inch of the way he felt pushing inside of me to memory. I had no right to ask him to keep loving me after I left, but I had to do it, and I needed to know he wouldn't forget about me.
Because the truth was, I would never forget about him, and I hoped that would be enough one day.
Wrapping his arm around my lower back, Kova guided us until my back was on the cool mattress. My hips widened and Kova seated deeper in my pussy. My heels drove into the bed and my neck arched, the back of my head pressing into the bed from the blissful pleasure. I let go and sighed, feeling so good.
"Tell me you love me."
Grabbing his face between my hands, I pressed a kiss to his lips. "You had me the first day when I walked into World Cup. I could never not love you, Kova."
His dejected smile crushed my heart. "I am going to make love to you now, Malysh, and I am not going to hold back. You are going to see how much I need you. I am not going to stop until your entire body feels how much I love you," he said, sinking deeper.
And that was what he did.
Kova took control of my body for the rest of the night while he made soul-searing love to me. There was no hurry to his kiss. He didn't drive into me like the intoxicating animal he could be. I didn't try to fight him or taunt him just to get a rise out of him.
We were just two lovers immersed in each other with desperate moans and shuddering bodies, wishing time would slow and the sunrise wasn't on the horizon.
Fifty-Five
I thought about Kova the entire time the movers had been in my condo.
My decision plagued every second of the long day, and it caused an awful headache from the stress. I couldn't stop thinking about the night before and how much my life was going to be so different a week from now. Mostly, I thought about how badly I wished things were different. My head was a mess and I wanted free from my thoughts.
Something he’d said stuck with me. I too couldn't fathom a life with him not around. He'd been the one constant in my world, and I was closer to him than anyone else. Any time I tried to imagine a life without him, this massive gray cement wall appeared before me. It left me feeling uneasy, which made me even more anxious for tomorrow.
I thought maybe Kova would've stayed the whole day too, but when I woke to an empty bed and a little note saying he’d be back to take me to the airport the next day, I was conflicted. I fell asleep with his arms holding me and our legs tangled together between my damp sheets. I was pretty positive we didn’t move until he left. Now that he was gone, I was missing him so much and wished he had stayed. However, the other half of me knew it would've just been harder to say goodbye when it came time to leave. A warm ache began between my legs. I could still feel his lips on my back, his nails digging into my ass cheek as he gripped it, the way his thumb stroked the front of my throat as he came inside of me. Chills rolled down my arms and need pulsed through me.