“I care about her too, Gauge. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ll talk to her. I’ll try. That’s the best I can do.” I nod my head bringing my smoke to my lips and inhale.
“I never meant no disrespect, Sly. I don’t know what I was thinkin’ with her. I just saw that loneliness in her eyes and I fuckin’ understood it all too well. I know what that shit feels like, and for whatever fucked up reason I didn’t want to see it in her.”
“You don’t have to explain it to me, I get it. Fuck, brother. I’ve messed up my life since day one. Shit’s just gettin’ worse. I didn’t want this for her, and when her momma took her, a part of me wanted it to be for the best. Thought she would better off somewhere I wasn’t,” he says simply.
“You still think that?”
“I think the first chance Dezzy gets she’ll be long gone.”
“You gonna let her go?” Sly looks over at me, a glint in his eye.
“I don’t think that’s the question here.”
“No? Then what is?”
“The question is, are you gonna let her go?” I sit back in my chair and gaze at him shaking my head.
“I don’t have an answer for that. I can’t keep her, Sly.”
“You aren’t as fucked up as you think you are, Gauge. I brought you into this club because I saw the look in your eyes. I saw the fuckin’ strength that you had in you. I knew from the fuckin’ first day I saw you that you were different. You had somethin’ else in you that not many of us have. You had heart – still do. You stood up for what you wanted and believed in. Not all of us can say that shit.” His words hold meaning for me but they also hold lies. Maybe he doesn’t realize, but I do. My past is a testament to just how much I didn’t stand up for what I should have.
“I don’t know, Prez. I like my life the way it is. Solitude is somethin’ I’ve grown accustomed to. Keepin’ to myself is probably for the best.”
“Ain’t my decision to make for you. Do I think she can find somethin’ better? Fuck yeah I do, but I wonder how much that somethin’ better will care about her. We ain’t heartless as much as we feel like we are, Gauge. We’re all just victims of our lives. She ain’t no different. Her momma and I created this mess and now Dezzy has to live in it. I can’t change that for her as much as I wish I could,” he says looking me dead in the eye.
“What do we do now, brother?”
Sly chuckles and stands from his chair. “Now we get drunk as fuck. We got a lot of shit about to happen in a short amount of time. We haven’t just sat back and enjoyed bein’ fuckin’ Soulless Bastards in a while. We deserve that much. Gotta talk to the lawyer next week about Dezzy’s case and hope like hell Shelby does what she said she would.”
I stand and follow him out of the room and out to the bar. We get a few glances but no one says a word. I don’t see Dez or her mom. I don’t know if I’m happy or worried. Either way, I grab a bottle of Jose and a couple beers and head over to the table Sly’s at.
“You think she’s gonna follow through?” Just as I ask, Shelby comes traipsing down the hallway into the main room. Both of us track her movements as guys and girls alike start to file into the clubhouse. It’s Saturday. Time to fucking party and live it up.
“Sure as hell hope for her sake that she does.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I ask snapping my eyes back to him.
“It means, my daughter means more to me than Shelby ever will. I’ll do what I have to do to make sure my kid stays safe.”
Eighteen
Dezzy
She’s overdramatic and annoying as hell. I watch her from my little seat in the corner, dancing and grinding on anyone who will look her damn way. To a point, it disgusts me. I know she’s not old, but Jesus, have a little class.
“What are you snickering about?” Angel slides up next to me, tossing her arm around my shoulder.
“That skank.” I nod toward her. Angel laughs.
“She’s pretty out there, isn’t she?”
“She’s a whore, Angel. Always has been.” Shit. I catch that fuck up after it’s too late. I glance over, my mouth open with an apology but Angel just shakes her head.
“Don’t say it. I get it.”
“You aren’t like her. She would fuck anything that could get it up.”
“Yeah, I have a little more class than that,” she wiggles her eyebrows.
“You truly do. At least you don’t fuck my boyfriends.”
“How is he by the way? He’s been pretty moody lately,” she asks making me laugh. I nearly spit my drink, bringing my hand up to wipe away what did escape.
“If I had one I would tell you.”
“Oh, come on. We all see how Gauge looks at you. To be honest, I never thought he’d settle down. He’s always so lost in himself.”
“He hasn’t settled, I promise. Neither of us are capable of that,” I tell her.
“Sure you can. You just have to want it badly enough.”
I don’t know how to respond to that so I don’t say anything else. I watch Angel walk away when she sees Gauge coming over.
“Tradin’ one habit for another?” he slurs nodding toward the beer in my hand. If I was anyone else I would offended.
“Something like that. Didn’t know you drank so much,” I respond nodding toward the nearly empty bottle of Jose in his hand.
“Sometimes I just need it. I need to forget everything that I’ve fucked up in my life,” he says, his voice sounding haunted. Gauge has always been a mystery to me. His past is something he keeps closely guarded and from what I’ve asked around, no one here seems to know what the hell happened to him.
“Sounds familiar,” I add. Gauge takes a seat next to me and sets the bottle on the table.
“Wanna share some truths here?” I look over at his crystal blue eyes. I want to get lost in them. I want to get lost in him but I can’t.
“Like what?”
“Like why you use so much?”
He already knows the answer to that it.
“You know why.”
“No. I know why you told me; however, there are others way to numb yourself, darlin’.”
“Like what?”
“Like me,” he chuckles.
I know the alcohol is pushing his mood. He’s being playful and as cute as it is, it isn’t all that funny.
“You’re drunk.”
“Might be.”
“Hey, Dez. Can I talk to you?” my dad calls out from behind Gauge. He turns his head to look over his shoulder, giving my dad a chin lift before going back to his bottle.
“This should be fun,” I mumble under my breath and stand.
“Give him a chance,” Gauge slurs before I walk away.
I follow my dad into the room where church is held. Funny enough this is the first time I’ve ever been here. It doesn’t surprise me that the club logo is engrained into the wood table or painted on the wall.
“Never been here, yeah?” he says as he takes a seat at the table like he belongs there. Hell, he does belong there.