“You don’t know me. I can’t be any of that.”
“I saw the drawings. I do know you. Better than you might think. You’re smart and beautiful. You have God given talent that you are throwin’ away from that shit in your pocket. You’re lettin’ the past keep you there and it’s swallowin’ you whole, darlin’. It won’t stop until it has all of you.” His sincere words tug at my heart and cause the tears to slide down my cheeks. His hands come up and his thumbs brush the tears away.
“There are some things that can never change, Gauge. God how I wish they could but they can’t.”
“You don’t know that until you try, Dez. You gotta at least try.”
“For what? What is there left to try for?” I look into his eyes as the salty tears keep leaking down my cheeks. Gauge licks his lips and takes a deep breath. He looks so lost in himself right now that it hurts to see his like this. Something bigger than this, than me, is weighing heavily on his mind and when he opens his mouth, I can feel it to my core.
“Me.” Gauge doesn’t wait for me to answer him. He presses a kiss to the top of my head and walks away leaving me in a stunned silence.
My head is pounding from everything that’s happened tonight, but what is at the forefront is his word, that one word. He wants me to try for him but he can’t offer me more? I don’t understand any of this and it’s wearing me thin. That liquid pleasure is calling out to me from the spot in the back of my jeans. I want to give in and make it all go away. I want to plunge that needle into my vein and let the rest of the world fade. All thoughts are a jumbled mess inside of me. My heart aches and my soul breaks. How do I change who I am? How can I be something I’ve never been before? This is me whether he likes it or not.
As T. S. Eliot said, “The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right for the wrong reason.” I can’t change for Gauge when I don’t even want to change for me. Pulling the needle from the back of my jeans, I uncap it and slide into my flesh. One push and that’s all it takes.
Seventeen
Gauge
I watched her out the window wondering if she’d do the right thing. The longer she stood there the more I knew I couldn’t handle it. I walked away and didn’t look back. After that night, she didn’t talk to me for nearly a week, and when she did, it was a simple “hey”. Now she lies here curled up in my arms sound asleep. She comes to me on some nights. I let her in and hold her in my arms until she cries herself to sleep. I wasn’t naïve enough to think she’d stop overnight. In fact, I know that isn’t possible, but I thought she’d at least try. Maybe I don’t know shit about her after all. Her demons run deep.
I slide my arm out from under her careful not to wake her when I see the time. I need to be in church in a few minutes. Grabbing my clothes, I throw them on quickly before sliding my cut up over my shoulders. One last look at her and I’m out there with my boots untied and thudding down the hallway. I pass a few prospects as they clean up and head toward to big wooden doors. When I walk in, Sly glances up at me but doesn’t say shit. I take my seat as the rest of the guys file in.
“The security run went well with Rib. He’s asked for you guys again on the first. Might be a little longer than last time; he’s got a bigger load of guns comin’ in. Cory has the coke shipment set up for us to come in on Friday. I expect that shit cut and moved by Wednesday. Other than that, we’re all settled in, brothers.”
I look at Sly and wonder how he does it. How he sits there and doesn’t even think about his own kid. Or maybe he does and just doesn’t want to acknowledge it.
“Anything else you wanna bring up?” he asks looking around the table.
“Yeah, Shelby. She’s tryin’ to fuck half the club, Prez,” Remy says, his words shocking the hell out everyone.
“Shelby is just another club whore,” he informs the room.
“She’s startin’ trouble with Dez,” OB chimes in.
I scrub my hand down my face not knowing if I should chime in as well or keep my fucking mouth shut.
“Ain’t no trouble between the two of them. From what I’ve seen, they stay separated,” Sly says, pissing me off with his lack of care for Dez. My blood boils as I turn to look at him.
“You’re kiddin’, right? No trouble between them?” I snap. I lose it. I know this isn’t a discussion for the group, but what the fuck is he thinking right now? We both know she’s fucked up and he’s not doin’ shit about it.
“You know the deal, Gauge,” he growls at me.
“I also know your daughter is sprialin’ out of control and you’re too goddamn stubborn to see it!”
He’s out his chair in seconds, jerking me from mine. His fist collides with my face before the guys leap into action. We’re yanked apart as the burn of the impending black eye shoots through me.
“You better watch who you’re talkin’ to, brother!”
“I am! I’m lookin’ at a fuckin’ coward who hides behind this club! A coward who shoves his own kid away for his own fuckin’ benefit!” I see how my words affect him and it’s no surprise when he tries to break free of the guys holding onto him.
“You know shit! You said yourself, she’s a fuckin’ junkie! You think she’s gonna go to rehab just ‘cause I asked nicely? You don’t fuckin’ know her, Gauge!”
The fire in his tone sets me off. I want blood but I don’t know whose. He’s right. She isn’t going to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
“Fuck!” I roar shrugging the guys’ hold off me.
“Let me go and get the fuck outta here,” Sly growls. I don’t look up but I know the guys are following orders.
“You think I want to see her like that?” he asks when I hear the doors close behind us. I turn and drop back into the chair lighting a cigarette.
“I don’t know what I think anymore, Sly.”
“You fuckin’ my daughter? Man to man, Gauge. I’m not gonna lose my shit, I’m askin’ you as a man.” I don’t say shit and he takes that as his answer.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doin’ to be honest, Sly. I respect the hell outta you. I wouldn’t do shit to fuck myself in this club. Yeah, I was with her a few times but shit,” I huff.
“But you can’t be with her.”
“Somethin’ like that.”
“I get it, Gauge, whether you believe me or not. That’s why I stay away from her. I don’t know how to be the kind of dad she needs. Never have. I love my daughter, man. I just don’t know how to be there for her.”
Truths come in all sizes and I suppose this is his.
“I feel you, brother. But you know she needs help, Sly. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never known how to do that and that’s what fucked me in the past. I can’t watch someone else I care about die, brother.”
His eyes fill with sadness. He understands but he doesn’t know. I never shared my past with any of the guys. They’ve never known why I am the way I am.