“Who do you belong to, Dez?” I groan as I take her hard. He body bounces in my grasp and it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.
“You, God, you!” She screams. I take her harder wanting every last drop of her until she has nothing more to give. I want it all. I roll my hips reaching around with one to find her clit. Slow gentle circles have her body trembling for me.
“You wanna come, baby?” I flick her clit until she cries for me.
“Yes.” She can barely manage to get the word out of her mouth when I thrust into her again. Each roll of my hips, each cry from her lips sends me further into the depths that I’m so fucking afraid of. I’ve been there before, hell I’m still there but I don’t think I can handle taking Dezzy along for the ride. Her body shakes in my grasp and I know she’s close. Circling her clit a little faster, she comes undone for me. Her body shudders as I stiffen behind her, breaking apart myself. We both pant from the exertion of it all. When I pull out of her, her knees nearly buckle. I let out a laugh and keep my other arm hooked around her. Dez shakily stands, her body collapsing against mine.
“I think you killed me,” she giggles. I spin her around in my arms and kiss her. Resting my forehead against her, I sigh.
“I wish I could give you the world, Dez. I’m sorry I can’t.”
“Don’t be. You’ve giving me enough just being here with me.” Her words shove a dagger straight through my heart. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel the way she does.
“Get in bed. I’m gonna clean up, yeah?”
She smiles and presses a kiss to my chest, igniting a new fire in me. I watch as she climbs on the bed and snuggles under my blanket before I go into the bathroom. Removing the condom, I toss it in the trash and wash my hands. When I look up into the mirror, I’m not sure what I see anymore. I used to see the man I’ve become. The man who could kill and take a life without batting an eye. The man who thrived on someone else’s pain, and I guess in a sense I am still that man. I take pleasure in Dez’s pain but only when I’m the one dispensing it.
Shaking off the dread I feel, I head back into the room to find Dez sound asleep. She looks perfect lying there in my bed. Something still nags at the back of my mind and it pisses me off. My phone rings and I grab it quickly so it doesn’t wake her.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, Gauge. I’m sorry to call you so late,” John says.
“No, man. I’m up. What’s going on?”
“She’s gone again. She left Violet alone and never picked Reba up from school. I don’t know much more I can take, man.”
Fuck!
“You lookin’ for her?”
“Yeah. I’ll call you back when I know something.” The line goes dead along with my heart. I pull my clothes back on and head into the main room needing something to clear my damn head. That’s exactly what I find. Heading to the bar, the party is in full swing with people everywhere. I grab a bottle of Jack and take a long pull, adding to the Jose that’s already starting to leave my system. I walk over and drop onto the couch drinking until the fucking room blurs and I become just like, Dez.
Numb.
Twenty
Dezzy
I woke up to an empty bed but the music still blaring in the main room tells me the party is still going. Gauge must have gone back out there after I fell asleep. I climb out of bed and walk into the bathroom, starting the shower. I turn and look at myself in the mirror. The marks her left on my skin, the bruises in my hips. I run my fingers over every mark remembering how they got there and smile. I don’t think I’ve felt this good in a long time. Everything finally feels like it’s falling into place. The talk with my dad still lingers in my head and I can’t say that I’m mad at him. I’m not really anymore. He had his reasons, whether I agree with them or not. I respect the fact that he told me the truth though. That’s something I haven’t had from people in my life.
I climb in the shower and wash, sniffing the body wash that smells like Gauge. I smile as I finish up and climb out wrapping in one of his towels. When I get into his room, I grab his t-shirt and slip it over my head before grabbing my shorts and sliding them back on. With the biggest smile I’ve ever had, I walk into the main room. Glancing around, I don’t see him anywhere.
“Hey, Angel. You seen Gauge?” She smiles at me and walks over, her gaze moving around the room. It’s not until her smile fades that I follow her line of sight. Gauge is on the couch on his phone and that bitch is in his lap, grinding against him.
“What the hell?” I gasp.
“He’s been drinking a lot, Dez. I’m sure it’s not what it looks like,” Angel tries to reassure me. He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying it, he seems to be concentrated on who he’s talking to.
“That fucking bitch!” I scream so loud that people turn to stare at me. Tears fall down my cheeks when I see Gauge shove my mom off his lap and away from him. He heads toward the door but something must stop him. He turns his head and finds my teary gaze on his. I can see the struggle in his eyes, but when he turns and walks out the door, I fall to my knees and sob harder. Angel drops next to me throwing her arm around me and holding me.
“He said he wouldn’t walk away from me. He’s just like everyone else,” I cry harder.
“You were never good enough, Dezzy.” I hear her voice and cringe. Shoving to my feet, I push Angel away as I swipe at the tears on my cheeks.
“What’s goin’ on?” my dad asks when he steps up next to us.
“You know what? You are right. I was never good enough. I tried though didn’t I mom? I tried and you ruined it and fucked me over every time!”
“Someone tell me what’s goin’ on?” my dad roars once more.
“You left me in that jail cell,” she hisses.
“You got me in there to begin with! What the hell?” I snap.
“Your little boyfriend got us in there. He’s the one who turned on us so he could walk free,” she sneers.
“My little boyfriend? He was yours when you were riding his cock!” She moves quickly, slapping me in the face. I move back after her throwing a punch that lands. She screams as blood gushes from her nose. I smirk, feeling very proud of myself.
“You just messed up! Fuck the deal! I’m turning your ass in!” she squeals.
“Hold the fuck on. What the hell is happenin’ here?” my dad screams again.
“Why don’t you ask that whore! I guess some things never change, do they, Mom?”
“I’m so done! All I’ve ever done was take care of you!”
“No you haven’t. You’ve used me to get what you wanted. It worked, didn’t it? I brought in the guys, you got the drugs, and then fucked my boyfriends. God, I hate you,” I snap.
“Right back at you!” She storms off toward the rooms as I look around me. Everyone stands there staring at me. The looks on their faces are ones that will haunt me the rest of my life.
“She made you get with men?” my dad asks softly.
“Wasn’t my finest hour.”
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Dez. I’m so goddamn sorry,” he says once more before trying to pull me into a hug. I swat his hand away and take a step back.