“It’s what I am, right? I can’t change me!” Turning on my heel I run toward Gauge’s room. Throwing the door open, I glance around as tears fill my vision. I dig through all his drawers, throwing his clothes as I go. Nothing in the dresser.
“It’s here, I know it is,” I say to myself.
“You okay?” Shaft asks but I don’t listen. I’m on a fucking mission and I need to find that bag. I can’t handle this anymore. “Dez?”
“Leave me alone. Just leave me the fuck alone!”
Pulling the drawer on the nightstand open, I nearly cry in happiness at what I find. I pull the bag out and sigh before turning to make sure Shaft left. When I’m satisfied he’s nowhere near me, I leave Gauge’s room and peek down the hall. I don’t see anyone so I sneak down two doors to the prospect’s room. I slip inside unnoticed and continue my search. Digging through all his drawers, I know he has uppers and downers in here. I’ve seen him swallowing them. When I find them it’s like I hit the fucking lottery. I shove the pills in my pocket and sneak back into my own room.
Back in my room I quickly shoot the heroin into my veins, giving myself a little extra boost before going out to the bar. All of the shit falls away and I’m ready to be around people again. Numb and uncaring.
“You okay?” Shaft stands there eyeing me. I nod my head and grab a bottle of Jack from behind the bar.
“I just want to be alone,” I tell him and everyone else within hearing distance. Shaft nods and backs away as does Remy and my dad. I walk out the back door and swallow big gulps of the Jack, loving how it burns on the way down. Pulling the pills out of my pocket, I toss them all in my mouth and wash them down with the Jack. I climb in the shallow end of the pool and sit on the steps looking up at the stars.
“What did I do that was so wrong? Why is this what I’m left with?” Fresh tears fall down my cheeks splashing gently into the water below me. I tip the bottle to my lips and wait for the numbness that I know all too well to come and take me under.
Twenty-One
Gauge
I’m a fucking mess. I’m half drunk and sped the whole goddamn way here. It isn’t until I see John standing there with his girls that I sober me up. I climb out of the truck and the two girls come racing toward me.
“Uncle Gauge!” Their squeals of delight to see me sting worse than a stab wound. I don’t come around as much as I should and that’s on me.
“You two are gettin’ so big. I can’t believe it. You should be in bed though,” I tell them both.
“Daddy said we could say hi before we go to sleep.” I nod my head and walk up the sidewalk extending my hand to John.
“Hear anything?”
“Yeah. She’s over at that dope house,” he says keeping his tone low. My chest tightens as I run my hand through my hair. “I’m going to take the kids and leave, Gauge. I can’t do this anymore. I love your sister, I do, but I just can’t.” Tears fill his eyes and break my heart.
“I know, man. Fuck, I know. I’m gonna take her to the hospital as soon as I get her out, John. I’ll call you and let you know. I get it that you need to go until she gets better. Just don’t shut her out, man.”
“Gauge, I know what happened when you were kids. I don’t blame her, I really don’t. I just need the girls to be safe.”
“I know but she’s gonna need you, John,” I remind him.
He nods his head and slaps a hand on my shoulder before walking back inside. I blow out a breath and climb back in the truck and head toward the house she’s at. My sister is seven years older than me. She was more of a mother to me than mine ever was. We don’t see eye to eye and never really have. We aren’t close, but when John calls I come. She’s been addicted to coke since I was young. I remember her doing it all the time which is part of the reason I can’t handle seeing Dez the way she is.
I drive in a trance like state until I see the house. Run down and littered with trash, only an old metal garbage can shining brightly from the fire burning in it. I jump out and stalk straight to the door; none of the junkies lying around bother to look over at me.
Once I step inside, I cringe. The overwhelming smell of vomit and piss hit me hard. I don’t remember it being this shitty the last time I was here but that was years ago. I climb over trash, needles, and people until I see her in the corner, slumped against the wall. My insides crumble and fall apart as I look at her.
“Jen, get up,” I say kicking at her foot. My blood boils to see what she’s done to herself. Pissed is an understatement. She knows better than this. She has kids to think about! When she doesn’t move, I lean down and grab her under her arms, yanking her up.
“Stop ruining my high!” she snaps until she opens her eyes and sees it’s me. “You again?”
“You left your kids for this shit? Huh? You wanna end up just fuckin’ like her? Dead? Is that it? Answer me!” I roar, shaking her small body in my hands. Her head bobs around but she just looks as pissed as I do.
“What the fuck do you care, Gauge? Wasn’t this what we were always meant to be? Ever since we were little, this is all I’ve known!”
“It doesn’t have to be! You have John, you have the girls. Fuck, Jen! You have me!” Lifting her body in my arms, I carry her out even though she tries to fight me. I hate it, I fucking hate everything about it and the worst part? I can see Dezzy in Jen’s eyes.
“Put me the fuck down!” she roars as I stand her in front of the truck.
“Do you even care that your girls are at home cryin’ for their momma?” She looks up at me with so much hatred. I’ve always known she hated me, hated that she had to be the one to take care of me. I never realized just how much until now.
“I raised you! When did I get to be a kid, Gauge? When did I get to enjoy my life? I was always cleaning up her messes and taking care of you! Do you know how much I hate her?” Tears fill her eyes and there is nothing I can do to help her.
“I hate her too, but you followin’ her down that path isn’t the option. Is that what you want for your girls?” I ask her, desperately needing her to understand.
“Why do you care? You never cared before! You didn’t care that I had to clean you or feed you or take your ass to school. Fuck, I hate you as much as I hate her, Gauge! And you know why that’s fucked up?” I shake my head as my chest tightens.
“Because I don’t hate you at all. I love you. You’re my brother and I fucked you up. I’m still fucking you up even to this day,” she cries harder, sobs shaking her body. I grab her and pull her into my chest, holding her tightly.
“I love you too, Jen. You didn’t fuck me up, I fucked myself up, but you, you can fix this and be the mother we never had. You can take care of your girls and love them. You don’t have to be her. You don’t have to be Mom.” I nearly cry with her. If I were the crying type I would be, but after years of trying to be loved by a mom who was too hooked on drugs to care or mother me, I couldn’t find it in me.
“I hate her for dying in front of you, Gauge. She messed you up so badly. I tried, fuck, I tried to make it better. I just couldn’t, Gauge. I’m so sorry I couldn’t make you good,” she cries harder.