“I give up. I’m just so tired.”
Twenty-Three
Gauge
The voicemail is still running. It never hung up and I couldn’t handle hanging up either. Her words linger as all I hear now is silence. I’ve screamed her name as I sped back toward the clubhouse only to be greeted by more silence. My chest is tight and I find it hard to breathe not knowing what the hell is happening to her. As soon as I pull into the lot, I leap from the truck not bothering to turn it off. I run through the doors, my eyes searching for her but I don’t see her anywhere.
“Where is she?” My voice thunders through the room as the party keeps going. Angel’s eyes find mine as she smiles, but as soon as she sees my face, she frowns. She moves quickly, stepping up next to me.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Where the hell is Dez? She was sayin’ some stupid shit about dyin’ in my voicemail.”
“She what? I haven’t seen her since you left. Her and her mom got in a fight and Dez stormed off.”
I shove through the crowd not giving a shit who I hurt on the way. I check her room and find nothing before heading into my mine. The mess I find rips my heart open. I don’t have to look any further; I know what she was after. I storm back into the main room looking for her, but again, she isn’t there.
“What’s goin’ on?” Sly asks when he spots me.
“Where the fuck is Dez?”
“Haven’t seen her. She got into with her mom and stormed out.”
I instantly, without thinking, grab the front of his cut and jerk his face to mine. “She’s fucked out of her mind, Prez. Talkin’ about killin’ herself and you don’t know where the fuck she is?” I roar, anger washing over me.
“The pool!” Shaft snaps.
I don’t think, I just react. I let go of Sly and run toward the door with the guys right behind me. As soon as I’m close enough I see her. Her long dark hair floats around her as if she were an angel. Except angels don’t float, they fly. I’m stunned, shocked at what I’m seeing. Someone moves behind me as visions of my mom break through in my mind. Lying there, lifeless, not moving. Just like Dez.
Everything happens so quickly that I don’t even realize that we’re now at the hospital until I find myself looking around. I don’t even remember how I got here. I sit with my head in my hands wondering what I’ve done that this is my punishment. Was it the killing? Is this what I get for killing? Or from being born? What the fuck did I do and how do I fix it?
“She’s gonna be out for a while. Doc said her body needs time to heal,” I hear Sly talk but I don’t listen. Fuck that. She tried to kill herself. This is my fault. I always thought when my mom killed herself it was my fault too. I thought I had done something bad that upset her and that’s why she did it. I blame myself for Jen too, and now Dez is lying in a goddamn bed and I can feel it. I did this. I shouldn’t have left when John called. When I turned and saw the look in Dez’s eyes, I should have gone to her but I didn’t, but I knew that if John was calling it was an emergency.
“I did this,” I mumble under my breath.
“No, you didn’t. Her momma got her hooked on that shit,” Sly says resting a hand on my back. I shake it off and shove out of the chair, grabbing him yet again.
“I fuckin’ did this to her! I did what everyone else in her life does! I walked away when she fuckin’ needed me most! What the fuck kind of person have I become?” Remy and Shaft both put a hand on either shoulder, but Sly shakes his head, warning them off.
“I did this, not you. This is my fault. You warned me that she had a problem and I didn’t address it. This isn’t on you.”
“I’m killin’ her just like I did my mom,” I say softly. Sly once again shakes his head.
“You ain’t killin’ her. She needs help, brother.”
“She needs me. She fuckin’ needed me and I what did I do? I walked out! I fuckin’ walked out and left her to deal with her shit on her own! Fuck!” I roar jerking away from Sly.
I pace the waiting room wondering how the hell I let this happen again. How the fuck didn’t I see just how much she needed me? I don’t know how long I pace but it seems like forever, just lost in my own head. It isn’t until Sly taps my shoulder that I snap out of it.
“We’re headin’ back. They’re keepin’ her and there ain’t shit we can do here. Need to get some rest until she wakes up, yeah?”
“I’m not leavin’.”
“Gauge, come on.”
“I said, I’m not leavin’! You want this cut back? It’s yours, but I ain’t leavin’ this hospital. I’m not walkin’ away from her again,” I tell him as I struggled to keep my anger under control. Sly nods and turns leaving me alone. I sit back in the chair and text John.
John: I didn’t know you had a girl, Gauge. I’m sorry, man. Do you need anything?
Me: No. I’m good. Just be there when Jen needs you, man. Please.
John: I’ll be there. I love her. Take care of you too. Got it?
Me: Got it. Thanks, man.
“Are you with a Dezzy Montgomery?” a lady asks looking over her shoulder to make sure no one is near. I rise from the chair and nod.
“Yeah. She okay?”
“She’s stable. I shouldn’t be doing this - it’s against policy, but I used to know Dez.”
“Can I see her? Please? I won’t be any trouble.”
“I’m not supposed to do this but come on.”
I follow behind the girl. She doesn’t look as if she’s about to break some kind of hospital rules; no, she holds her head high as if she is going on about her regular day.
“In there. Keep the door closed, and if she happens to wake up, call for me. I’m Temple.”
I nod my head and say, “Thanks.” She leaves me alone and walk in closing the door softly behind me when I see her on that bed. Fuck what have I done? Walking over I sit in the chair and grab her hand in mine.
“What did I do to you, Dez? What the fuck did I do?”
Twenty-Four
Dezzy
I pry my eyes open and immediately regret it. The light hurts as does my head. I groan and roll my head to the side, and that’s when I see him sleeping. A hospital blanket has been placed over his body as he sleeps. I try to lift my arms but once they don’t move, I glance down to see that they are restrained.
“Fuck,” I mumble when someone giggles. Looking to the left I see the nurse. “Temple?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Wasn’t sure you’d recognize me,” she says softly.
“What’s happening?”
“You took a lot of pills and mixed it with a lot more alcohol. You’re lucky he found you so quickly,” she says nodding toward Gauge. My heart stammers in my chest. Guilt of what he had to see hits me hard.
“I’m just so tired,” I admit to her. Temple was a girl I went to school with when I was living with my dad. She was always sweet to me. Temple sits on the edge of the bed, grabbing my hand in hers.