My heart breaks for her as I remember that day. I came home from school and went inside excited as fuck to show my mom what I made her for Mother’s Day. We planted flowers in small planter,s and once they bloomed we were allowed to bring them home. I even colored her a card and wrote that I loved her even though I didn’t know what that meant. I walked in the front door and ran to the kitchen where she usually sat at the table with needles in front of her. This time she was slumped against the wall, a needle sticking out of her arm. I shook her, called out to her. Begged her to answer me but she never did. I sat the flower on the table and walked to Jen’s room to find her crying, holding a needle in her hand too. I asked her what was happening and she cried harder telling me that our mom was dead and she was just like her. I watched my sister plunge a needle into her vein when I was only five years old. That image of Mom slumped in that chair will forever be burned into my memory. I will never forget that day.
“I hate her too, but you aren’t her. You have to get better. You can’t leave those girls to wonder what their mom was like or could have been. Not the way we did, Jen.”
She pulls back and sniffles looking up at me with those same blue eyes that I see in the mirror every day of my life.
“Will you take me?” she asks softly. I nod my head, lean down, and press a kiss to the top of her head before putting her in the truck.
“We have to break the fuckin’ cycle, yeah? Those girls need you, Jen. They need their mom in their lives. Don’t throw that away.” She sobs in the seat next to me as I drive toward the hospital. I grab my phone and text John to let him know that I got her and where she’ll be, begging him to not leave. He agrees to stay and I let out a sigh of relief. I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t, or what Jen would do for that matter.
“I can’t see you,” Jen says softly as we pull up to the hospital.
“I know.” She doesn’t need to explain, I already know.
“I want you here but I just can’t look at you and not hate you yet, Gauge. It’s so fucked up but I can’t,” she cries again.
I blink rapidly trying not to lose control and say or do something I don’t mean. She’s my sister and I want to help her but I can’t. I know she’s always had trouble looking at me, being near me after what happened when we were kids. It’s part of why I stay away from her and her family.
“I get it, Jen. Don’t beat yourself up about it, yeah? When you feel up to it, you call me. I’ll be here.”
She turns her head and stares at me wiping her eyes. “You will?”
“I’m not her, I’m not goin’ anywhere. I love you, Jen. You’re my family. I know how hard this is for you, I get it. You need space and I’ll give it to you, but promise me that you will do this for yourself and the girls. You have to.”
“I will. I will get better this time, I promise. I will call you this time, too. I really want you back in my life, Gauge, I just…”
“I know. Trust me, I know. Come on. I’ll help you get checked in and then let John know you’re okay.”
Twenty-Two
Dezzy
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to die? I have more than once. I think about the time that I overdosed and had my stomach pumped but I don’t remember much. If my heart stopped then, I don’t remember. The pills work just the way I want them to. My world slowly dances in front of me.
“You okay out here?” I look up at see the outline of Shaft as he towers over me.
“I’m fucking wonderful.”
“He didn’t fuck her,” he says and I laugh. Who gives a shit now? It’s over and done.
“I don’t give a fuck. He walked away from me, Shaft. He said he would never walk away from me and he did.”
“You’re fucked up, Dez. I don’t even know where he went. He isn’t answerin’ his phone,” he adds.
“And that’s my problem?”
“No, it’s not, but I’m worried about him. He wasn’t in his right mind when he stormed out of there.”
Who gives a shit what state of mind he was in? He ran, just like everyone else in my life.
“So go chase him around like a puppy if you’re so worried. I can’t help you,” I slur before downing another drink.
“You could call him. He’ll answer for you.”
I laugh again. “No he won’t. Fuck off, Shaft. He doesn’t want me and no one else does either. I’m not going to call the bastard that walked away from me!” I snap at him although I don’t know why. It isn’t like Shaft did it.
“He cares about you.”
“Oh, fuck off! He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that I’m a lost fucking cause, he doesn’t care that I fucking love him. He just doesn’t care!” What the hell am I saying? I don’t love him. I barely know him yet I can feel it. I know it’s true. He’s the only one who’s ever really given a shit about me.
“There you have it. You said it yourself - you love him,” Shaft reminds me.
“And? I’m also fucking drunk out of my mind. It’s the Jack talking.”
“No, you love him and I think he loves you too. Can you call him? Please?”
I don’t like hearing a man beg. It’s kind of annoying. He holds my phone out to me and I don’t even have the common sense to wonder why he has it. I grab it and dial Gauge’s number, listening to it ring over and over. I press the button for the speakerphone so that Shaft can listen too.
“See! He doesn’t care, Shaft! He doesn’t give a fuck if I live or die! No one does!” I drop the phone of the ground next to me and slide down to the next step in the pool.
“You’re a fucked-up person, you know that?”
“Oh, I do know that! Now fuck off and leave me alone.” Shaft huffs but he leaves. I grab the rest of the pills that are sitting on the edge of the pool and toss them into my mouth and swallow. Fuck everyone and everything. Why should I care what the fuck they think?
“Maybe I did love you. Maybe I’m just too fucked up to be loved. I guess now we will never know,” I say out loud talking to no one but me. Because there is no one, not really. I always knew my mom hated me. I thought for a while that that was what love was but the more I watched her use me, the more I knew. She hated that I was prettier than her. She hated that I was in the middle of her life. That was what she would tell me. The only reason she liked having me around was so I could bring in the men to her. Once they were good and high they would do anything she asked them to. Tipping the bottle to my lips I drink down what’s left before I toss the bottle to the side and listening to it clink onto the pavement. I shove off the steps and move out into the deeper water with a sigh.
“Everything will be okay once I’m not here. I don’t want to be here anymore. The pain, the emptiness, it’s all too much for me. I thought I could fight it, I thought I could try but I can’t. No one wants me. Everyone uses me or runs from me. What did I do to deserve this?” I cry out, head thrown back and screaming at the sky. Maybe it’s God that I’m screaming at. It has to be. Who else would have let this happen to me?