“I understand that but there are better ways,” she says softly, keeping her voice down.
“None that I’ve found.”
“Thought I was helpin’ with that.” His voice rushes over me, sending chills over my skin. Temple smiles and releases my hand before leaving us alone. I can’t bear to look at him. Instead I look down at my lap unable to cover my face due to the restraints.
“Was I not?” Again, that voice. My God. When I don’t answer, I hear the chair move before he’s at my side. He reaches for my face, tilting it so that I have no choice but to look at him. “Was I not helpin’ you?”
“It’s not that easy, Gauge, and I think you know that.”
“It is that easy. Why can’t you let me help you, Dez?”
“Why was she in your lap?” the question that has been burning in the back of my mind comes out.
“We were all drunk, Dez,” he says running his hand over his face.
“That’s your excuse?” I huff.
“That’s all it was. We were drunk. I was a little preoccupied with my own shit in case you didn’t notice. Oh, wait. How could you notice when all you give a shit about is yourself!” he snaps releasing the grip he had on my face.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I should have stopped what I was doing and chased after you after my mom was riding your cock!” I snap. His eyes narrow on me and heat shoots through my body. I hate when he looks at me like that. Like he can break me with just his gaze.
“She wasn’t ridin’ anything.”
“Not really what it looked like to me. Besides, you ran out of there.”
“You didn’t try to stop me!”
“I mean nothing to you, Gauge. Why would I?”
“Is that why I’ve been sittin’ here for hours? Huh? Is that why I’m about to face your dad on the firin’ line for damn near beatin’ his ass over you? Does that say you mean nothin’ to me, Dezzy?” He tugs at his hair as I gasp in surprise. He’s in trouble with my dad because of me? Why?
“He will let it go once I’m not around,” I tell him softly trying to make it better.
“Is that all you really want? You want to die?” I turn to look him in the eye and I can see the hurt in him. It rips me apart but at the same time, he isn’t me, he doesn’t understand.
“Life’s too hard, Gauge.”
“No, life is easy. It’s livin’ that’s hard. You haven’t lived, Dezzy. Let me help you live,” he begs. Tears fill my eyes as I slowly shake my head.
“You’re not like me, Gauge!”
“Do you know who I am? What I’ve lived through?”
“Just leave, Gauge,” I say pulling my eyes from his intense glare.
“I was five when I found my mom dead in our house. I walked in ready to show her what I made her for Mother’s Day. She was there, slumped against the wall with a needle in her arm. I shook her, I screamed…nothin’. She was gone. Then I went to my sister’s room and watched her shoot the s-ame shit into her veins that my mom did, telling me how she was no good and was just like her. She nearly died the other night when I left. Her husband called me and freaked out because their two girls couldn’t find their mom. She hates me. She hates lookin’ at me because I ruined her life. I made her into the fuckin’ junkie that is killin’ her today. The same way my goddamn mom did. Now you tell me just how bad your fuckin’ life is, Dezzy!” He screams so loudly that the nurses and security come storming into the room. Tears fall down my cheeks.
“Sir, it’s time for you to go now,” one of the security officers says.
“Tell me, Dez. Tell me all your fuckin’ sob stories and let’s see whose is worse. Will that make you understand me?” he roars once more.
“Sir,” the guard warns once more. Gauge ignores them and steps closer to my bed, grabbing my chin in his hand once more.
“I can’t watch you kill yourself, Dezzy. I watched them; I sat with her dead body. I can’t fuckin’ go through that again. I’m so goddamn sorry that I couldn’t help you. I wish to God that I could but this is what happened. I didn’t touch your mom, Dez. The only one I wanted was you,” he says gently before pressing his lips to my forehead.
“Wanted?” I ask looking up at him.
“I hate myself for not knowin’ what was happenin’ with my mom.”
“You were a kid, Gauge. A baby.”
“I can see it in you, Dez. I can’t watch you die, baby. I’m sorry.” Gauge turns on his heel and heads toward the door, security and Temple watching him as he moves.
“You’re walking away from me again?” I yell. I know I’m being selfish and I hate it, but it’s the best I can do right now. Gauge lowers his head, letting it hang between his defeated shoulders. Slowly, he looks over his shoulder and nods.
“I don’t want to, Dezzy. I know you have so much more in you to give but like this?” He points to the bed and around the room. “I can’t do it again. I lost a piece of myself when she died. I lost even more as I watched my sister spiral down the same hole as her. I can’t stand to see you doin’ the same. I’m sorry, darlin’.”
With that he walks away as I scream at him. My words make no sense, my mind is running too quickly to even comprehend. Temple moves to my side, brushing the hair away from my face as I cry.
“Things will get better, honey.” Her words mean nothing to me. Not one fucking thing because I’m slowly spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Twenty-Five
Gauge
I hit the bag harder and harder with each punch I throw. My knuckles are raw but that does nothing to stop me from unraveling on the inside. My mind is spiraling out of control and the longer she’s stuck in that hospital the worse it gets.
“You could go see her,” Shaft says as I drag my eyes to meet his. He’s seen her. He’s been there almost every day that she can have visitors, but not me.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Why are you pushin’ me?” I snap, moving in his direction. Shaft stands taller, ready for my anger to be thrown his way.
“I’m not pushin’ you. It’s been four weeks, brother. You haven’t been to see her once.”
I shrug and turn back to the bag that Remy’s holding and pound it some more.
“He’s right. You ain’t been to see her and it’s fuckin’ with her head,” Sly says from behind me. Him and I haven’t spoken much since that night. He knows that I’ve been with her but for whatever reason he hasn’t called me out on it yet.
“I don’t want to see her,” I respond, taking another swing. Sly moves quickly, grabbing me by the back of the neck and spinning me to face him.
“I’m tired of this shit, Gauge! You’re my goddamn VP and my best friend. You’re also the one fuckin’ my kid. Now what the hell is goin’ on?” He snaps, his voice thundering through the room.
I hate that it’s coming to this. I hate that my best friend is looking at me like I’m a monster but he is.