JAMES
When Luca spoke to me, I wanted to disappear. He saw me in the backyard with Marco and joined the conversation, helping me explain to Marco how to use the present continuous. And when Marco was focused on his exercises, Luca noticed I had been reading and asked me about my book.
“It’s Leopardi!” he exclaimed. “I think this is the first time I’ve seen a foreigner reading Leopardi.”
I did my best to smile at him – I had some problems looking straight at his face – and replied, “I thought about starting with Dante and The Divine Comedy, but after I discovered Leopardi’s poems, I couldn’t put the book down. I can relate to how he felt, I guess. I know a couple of things about unrequited love.”
Luca nodded his head in approval. “He’s one of the greatest Italian Romantics, but a lot of people make fun of his pessimism.”
I pressed my hand against the book cover, feeling almost offended. “I have no idea how people can make fun of literature or art. In two days in Rome I saw more beauty than I ever knew in my whole life. Everything here in Italy, like the architecture, the music, the language, appears so solemn. I don’t know if this makes sense to you, but I had never read something so close to the human soul.”
Luca looked at me with interest. “I’m flattered that you love Italy this much. Have you thought about learning Italian?”
I met his eyes, and I felt my face grow warmer. It was so unfair that this man was being so nice to me, when I had been wanting to steal his boyfriend all the time. “Maybe,” I murmured, averting my gaze.
“Rob and I have a friend in Milan who owns an Italian language school. If you want to have a talk with him, just let us know.”
Rob and I.
Let us know.
Reality hit me hard in the face one more time, reminding me once again that I was just an extra in Rob’s life. I could think about learning Italian, I could appreciate the art and love the literature, but I could never have the one thing I truly wanted. The only thing I’d want to own instead of admiring it from afar.
◆◆◆
I knew I should keep my hands off him. I knew that if he touched me, I’d end up ruining everything. So I tried to stay away. I avoided him, I ignored him, I tried not to meet his eyes. When he texted me, I wanted to pretend I didn’t see his message, but my stupid body moved on its own. Ten minutes later, I was hugging him like a koala holds onto a tree. Twenty minutes later, I was nuzzling at his chest, sitting by his side on the porch swing in our backyard, with his arm resting around my shoulders.
“Your mom wants me to leave you alone,” he whispered to me, kissing my head. By now, I knew how he loved doing that. It was embarrassing at first, but now I realized I had missed it terribly.
I laughed breathlessly and murmured, “Your mom probably wants me dead. I guess they just want what’s best for us. Who knows, maybe they’re right. I’m not sure I can trust my own judgement.”
Rob’s grip on my shoulder tightened a little. “James, listen, I’ve been thinking–”
“–I’ve been thinking, too,” I interrupted. “This has to be the last time we do this… I met your boyfriend today. I can see why you fell in love with him. He’s so fucking nice. He’s like the definition of nice. If I looked it up in a dictionary, his face might pop out.”
“Yes, he’s nice,” Rob agreed, before tilting my chin up to make me look at him. “James, do you think of me as a cold person? When I’m with you, do you ever feel like I’d rather be somewhere else? Or like I don’t care enough?”
What the hell was he talking about? “No, I never thought that. You’ve always been really warm and sweet with me… even after you saw what a mess I am.” I was now getting anxious. “Why? Did I misunderstand something?”
He smiled at me sadly, and shook his head. “You’re not a mess, James. I am. I need to confess something to you.” He released the hug and took my hand in his instead, looking deeply into my eyes. “I… I’m not in love with Luca. I asked him out because I wanted a boyfriend, and rationally he was my best option. But this isn’t just about him. My whole life, I’ve never been in love. Even before Luca, I dated people that I liked, but all those relationships were never enough for me. My mom doesn’t want you dead, James. She’s just scared that if I screw up my relationship with Luca I won’t ever find another guy crazy enough to spend the rest of his life with me. Sometimes I think she’s right.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. How could the person who taught me to love not know about love?
Rob took a deep breath and continued, “You’re different from any other guy I’ve ever been with. You make me want to say and do stuff I didn’t think I had in me. I had never been jealous before meeting you. When Marco told me he kissed you, I–”
“–Wait a second,” I said, blinking my eyes a couple of times. “What are you talking about? That never happened.”
Rob’s mouth fell open. “My brother didn’t kiss you?”
“What? No,” I said, confused. “Marco’s crazy in love with Marta, why the hell would he kiss me? When we’re together, all he talks about is her.” Marco had been a true friend to me after Luca returned in Rob’s life, especially after I embarrassed myself crying in front of him at the beach. The bare thought of him kissing me was ridiculous. Why did Marco lie to Rob? That was a true mystery.
“Son of a bitch,” Rob said under his breath. “I mean him.”
“That would be your mom too.”
We looked at each other and laughed. Our fingers intertwined and Rob placed his forehead on mine. “I missed you,” he whispered, making my heart ache desperately. Despite all he had told me about himself, I was special for him. That thought alone was more than I could hope for. Maybe he didn’t love me, but I meant something to him. It was the first time in my life that I meant something… that I was more than a hole to fuck.
Would it still be the same between us, if he knew all the truth about me? Anxiety rested heavy on my chest, and breathing became harder. He didn’t need to know. I was going to go back home soon, and he’d never leave his boyfriend for me anyway. I didn’t need to ruin our last memory together. I swallowed some air and gently pushed Rob away from me. “You should go,” I said in a painful whisper. Rob jumped back on the other side of the fence, and I was expecting him to leave, but he just stayed there with me, as if he didn’t want to leave me alone. I gathered all the courage I had and asked, “Why me? What do you even like about me?” I knew this was my last chance to ask.
Rob’s gaze on me was so intense it warmed my heart. “You were scared of the stars.”
I couldn’t say a word, and I ended up just looking at the ground.
Rob chuckled. “Don’t be embarrassed. You know, I was immediately attracted by your looks, so I could tell you how I like the way your curls shine under the sunlight on the beach, or how crazy I am for your mouth, but that doesn’t do you justice. You’re so much more than that, and I realized it when we looked at the stars together. One day you look at the world with eyes full of wonder, then suddenly you lose yourself in your thoughts, and I… I find myself wishing you would find your way back through me. You’re probably a mystery that I can’t solve, but if I can die trying, sign me up for it.” Rob smiled at me in a way that almost made me cry, and asked, “What about you? What makes you ditch your friends to stay here with an unfaithful asshole like me?”